Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I have a question. Do you think it’s possible for a woman who has become a man to have a child?
Want to Know
Dear Want to Know:
What kind of a dumbass question is that? A woman who has become a man can definitely have a child. Look at Melissa Etheridge. It’s also true of a man who becomes a woman. Look at Jacko. From what I’ve heard, he’s had many children. Wink. Wink.
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
What kind of an idiot are you? I asked you a reasonable question before and all I got was some wiseass answer. Do you have an answer?
Asking Again
Dear Asking Again:
Okay, I admit, maybe I didn’t consider your question. But I’ve forgotten what it is. So no, I don’t have an answer. Don’t bother me again!
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
How come two men can get married but a cowboy can’t marry his cow?
Just Curious
Dear Just Curious
Curiosity killed the cat. And if you’re curious enough to ask me in such a widely read column—you have a problem.
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Who was that Just Curious reader? Why do I want to know? Well, I have a pile of manure I’m sure he’d love to meet. Ha, ha!
Not So Curious
Dear Not So Curious:
Who are you? Who? Who? Who? Who? If you’re dumb enough to answer, I’ll publish your name and let Just Curious set you lose naked in his bullpen. Leave the poor SOB alone, he’s got enough problems—do you know how much it costs to feed a cow? Plus, the cost for feminine hygiene must be piling up (pardon the pun).
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. ManHers:
Are you some kind of wacko publishing all these weird people’s questions?
Anonymous
Dear Ass:
Oops, I misspelled your name, like you did mine. I must be a wacko because I gave equal time to an ass-whole (is this closer to the correct spelling?).
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Why is the sky blue?
A 10 Year Old Reader
Dear A 10 Year Old Reader:
I hope there are parental controls on your newspaper, as I wouldn’t want you reading some of my advice. Oh well, maybe you’re just pretending to be 10. Why is the sky blue? I can’t answer this very well, I’ll try. The sky is blue, because it lacks the colors of yellow and red (which are all primary colors as well). Does this answer your question? If not, consult a weatherman (they can’t tell you if it’s going to rain or snow, but they can sure give you a lot of BS—blue sky—information that no adult really cares about).
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
How could you call me Ass? Sure, I got your name wrong. Sure, I wasn’t very nice to you. But I never called you a name. Not on purpose. And you called me two names in your column. I want you to write a retraction.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous (formerly known as the artist Prince-Ass):
The only thing I can give you is a swift kick in your Prince-Ass. Then I can retract my foot. Is that good enough?
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
How could you tell my son (A 10 Year Old Reader) that weathermen are full of BS—blue sky—information that no adult cares about? He went so far as to call the news station and when he spoke to a weatherman (for his school project); he asked if the weatherman could give him some BS information? When the weatherman called back to complain to me (he had our number on caller ID) I tried to explain that it was your stupid column—but he thought I was making it all up. Now I think you owe me, my son and the weathermen of America an apology?
A Concerned Parent
Dear A Concerned Parent:
Did you read my response to your child? Why is a 10 year old reading, let alone writing, to this column? Aren’t you supervising him? As to the apology—I apologize that most weathermen don’t give accurate weather readings (I’ve used a crystal ball and gotten it right more often) and I apologize to my readership that there are people in this world who are parents (like you) who should never have been allowed to play with a loaded penis (it’s worse than a gun!). That’s the best I can do for you. Nonetheless, I am TRULY sorry for your child.
Mr. Man-ners
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