Mr. Man-ners (4): Doubts & Rabbies, Being Regular & Shit, Loving Yourself & 411, Nerds & Readership

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m fraught with doubt. It all has to do with work. A coworker and I used to be friends, now she just blows me off whenever I ask to do anything with her. What should I do?
Help!

Dear Help!:
You are not fraught, you are frothy. Meaning you have rabbies. Are you mad or what? Who cares about this coworker? Was she really “blowing” YOU? If so, that explains a lot. Either let it go, or get yourself some “Help!”
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Why are you so unkind to your readers? Regular and irregular? They have problems, why don’t you see that? All they want is a forum to be heard.
Trying to Get Through to You

Dear Trying to Get Through to You:
Okay, I agree, my readers have problems. But they’re full of shit (at least the irregular ones). I just don’t care. Don’t you get it. I don’t care. Did you hear me? I don’t care! Get this through your muddled mind—I DON’T care!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
How did you come up with that name? You have no manners, whatsoever?
Bet You Won’t Print This

Dear Bet You Won’t Print This:
How did I come up with my name? The same way you came up with yours—I picked it out of a shit pile. And you know what else, I don’t care what you think. I don’t care. I don’t care.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Your columns use to be much nicer. Still, I understand that you are under a lot of stress what with you kissing your own ass and everything. It must be hard to love yourself that much.
I’ve Got Your Number

Dear I’ve Got Your Number:
Well, you were so stupid, now I’ve got your number too. It’s really dumb to send hate mail, give an address and have your phone number listed with 411. Don’t worry, I NEVER get mad, I ONLY get even. And it’s really not that hard to love yourself that much—my hand is my best friend. Bet yours falls asleep when you're masturbating! Remember: Love yourself first.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man NERD:
What a NERD. You can’t get people to listen to you in any other forum, so you use the paper. Bet you’ll never have a book published or be on David Letterman. Get a life—stop being a “dumbass” (to quote you).
Know You’ll Never Make It

Dear Know You’ll Never Make It:
First off, learn how to spell. It’s Man-ners. I may be a nerd and a dumbass, but at least I get paid to be these things. Plus, who cares about books and David Letterman. It never stopped Oprah from being a success. I’ve got a life—but obviously, you don’t: Not if you spend all your time evaluating mine. I have a readership of 20,000 per week—which is about as much shit as you're full of.
Mr. Man-ners