Mr. Man-ners (25): Music Student, Poets, Bedroom Lock Out, Writing, Editing, Novels

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
My mother claims my music sounds like a cat in heat. But it’s all the rage at the places I’m playing. Now she doesn’t want me practicing at home anymore. I’m only 16, I can’t afford to rent a space to practice. What do I do?
A Student

Dear A Student:
Now you’re a student of life! Not everyone will love your music. Not everyone will understand the path you’ve chosen for yourself. But if you know you’re on the right road, and your parents don’t understand this, I say murder them both and inherit the house! I say, but I don’t mean it. Unless, of course, they are abusing you--then it might be legal in your state--check your local laws to find this out! My point is--if you REALLY love what you’re doing--you’ll find a way. See if you can practice at school, or a church, or maybe at the local brothel (maybe they’ll throw in some fringe benefits if you can “drum” up some business with your music!).
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
How can you be so dumb. Are you numb? You’re a bum, no a bum’s crumb. You treated me like crap, I should give you a slap, for you to get a clue you’d need a map, you’re full of crap.
A Poet

Dear A Poet:
I still say you’re not a poet--and you know it. You’re full of spit and you're full of shit.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
My wife says I’m insensitive to her. She claims I always forget anniversaries, birthdays and important dates. Now she’s locked herself in the bedroom and won’t let me sleep with her. What do you stay to this?
Locked Out

Dear Locked Out:
She was right! Did you forget that your wife wrote several months back? Did you forget that I told her to get a divorce? Did you forget that exactly one month ago today, she actually got a divorce? Did you forget that I don’t care if you EVER get sex again? Your loss is my gain friend!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’ve got this great story locked inside of me. It’s a great story. It’s about….. I can’t tell you or I’d have to kill you. First I want to sell it to the movies, then to books, then to the world. My teacher suggested I ask for advice.
A Writing Student

Dear A Writing Student;
For $160 a minute, I MIGHT be able to help you--get your head out of your ass! Obviously, if you had such a great story you would have had it published (or produced) and been on Oprah, so she could hype it (and after it was suggested it was NOT autobiographical, you would have gotten her to SWEAR it was ALL true, hyping it even more). ONLY later to report that well, some of it wasn’t true at all--and having to apologize to Oprah (on HER show)--but again hyping it even more. Remember ALL publicity is good publicity--it sells books. But I doubt you could afford me--and I doubt you could ever write more than a letter to say you have a GREAT idea--when in reality it was writing the letter that was GREAT idea--so leave me the fuck alone you twerp. Those who have a novel in them--write--those who don’t, write letters claiming they do!
Mr. Man-ners