Mr. Man-ners (26): Cheating Spouse, Lost at Sea, Iraqi War, Death, Christams Dishes, Outlets, Swearing, Winnie The Pooh, Playboy

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
My wife and I sleep in separate rooms. It’s been going on for years. Do you think she’s having an affair?
Married & Clueless

Dear Married & Clueless:
You are clueless! Your wife is either a. a man, b. a sex change, c. not interested or d. cheating. None of the above is NOT an option! Do you like sleeping in separate rooms? Does she fart loudly all night? Or do you snore like a locomotive? If it’s not this, then it’s still a-d. None of which are good. My suggestion. Buy two tickets for a cruise. Make sure there is ONLY one room with one bed. If she insists upon sleeping on the couch, or partying all night (so she can sleep during the day)--that’s a clue! Just remember, MANY people get lost at sea--and since there is NO body to find--no one ever wins/loses a lawsuit! It’s international waters--so NO one is at fault. And if you have a LARGE life insurance policy on the cheating bitch (oops, I mean your loving wife)--so much the better!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
How many people have to die in Iraq before this war will be over?
A Soldier’s Wife

Dear A Soldier’s Wife:
Let’s see, how many people are there in this world? And how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? And how many hairs are on an average child’s head? And how many edges does a crystal have? And how many times does one pee in their life? And how many lives have been lost due to stupid wars? Multiply all these things…and you’ll probably still not get the right answer. I don’t know. I do care. But I don’t know.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I‘ve got a store near me that‘s a national chain. They claim that they are NOW an outlet. The strange part is, I went in before Christmas and saw a set of dishes I wanted. When I went in after Christmas, they still had the dishes, but they cost more (though they were still discounted, just NOT as much). Is this really an outlet?
A Consumer

Dear A Consumer:
Yes--it‘s an outlet--for chumps! Sure, everybody could call themselves an outlet--it gets more suckers to come and peruse. But a TRUE outlet would have items at lower than any sale. I say don‘t go there anymore. And I mean it. Because I am not going to be YOUR outlet to bitch about this store--even though you‘re the chump who keeps going there (if you keep complaining, you obviously didn‘t take my advice!). Remember: Fool me once, you’re a fool. Fool me twice, I’m a foolish dumbass!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
My son reads your column. He’s only 17. He likes it. But I wish you would not swear so often in it. Can you do me a favor?
A Parent

Dear A Parent:
No! You’re not much of a parent if you’re letting your son read my nasty grams. Get a clue—restrict his viewing pleasure! You wouldn’t let him read Playboy would you? If you say yes, you’re not much of a parent. This is an adult column—if you want no swearing—read him Winnie The Pooh. You should anyhow, cause your parenting skills are full of poo!
Mr. Man-ners