Mr Man-ners (3): Beauty, Gay, Sex Change, Lorena Bobbitt, Eunich, Male Horses, Periods, Kathy Bates, College, Hyphens, Hymens, God,

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Is it okay for a man and a woman to be friends? I mean, I’ve got a male friend and he’s never even tried to initiate sexual contact.
Beautiful & Perplexed

Dear Beautiful & Perplexed:
The guy is either:

1. Gay


2. A sex change.


3. Married to a woman like Lorena Bobbitt—and scared to do anything, for fear she might turn him into…


4. A eunuch.

These things may be true, but only if you’re not overstating your case and you are actually beautiful. And not just on the inside. Guys could give a crap about that kind of beauty.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Why do male horses always get so agitated and horny when I’m around?
A Woman Who Wants to Know

Dear A Woman Who Wants to Know:
Is this Aunt Flow? Let’s just say it’s not your inner or outer beauty: I’m sure this only happens once a month. 'Nuff said.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m a regular reader. You’re always so mean to people. I’m not going to ask why, because I know people are full of *bleep*. Just wanted to say, keep up the good work.
Your Biggest Fan

Dear Your Biggest Fan:
Now I’m scared. I pray you don’t look or act like Kathy Bates. In addition, who said you could swear in my column? I’m the only ass-hole who can swear here. Please read Dear Abby from now on and see if she prints your “shit.”
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m thinking of going back to finish my college education (it’s a dream), but my husband of 20 years doesn’t want me to. What can I do?
School At Your Age?

Dear School At Your Age:
Perhaps your husband is right. If you’re stupid enough to be married 20 years to a creep who won’t let you fulfill your lifelong dream, maybe you’re too stupid for college. On the other hand, if you’re smart enough to divorce your dumbass husband, take him to the cleaners for alimony, then maybe you’re smart enough to go back to school.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Why on Earth do you spell your name with a hyphen?
A Curious Reader

Dear A Curious Reader:
It’s none of your business why I do what I do. Why on earth are you curious? Does this mean you’re bi-curious or what?
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. NO Man-ners:
You are really the rudest columnist I’ve ever read. Why can’t you just be nice? That’s what God preaches.
Full of Manners

Dear Full of Manners:
You’re full of something. First, God doesn’t preach, men do. How dumb can you be, God’s been dead for years. Second, if you don’t like what I write, don’t read it. Let me tell you this: I’ve only been nice twice in my life. And both of the bitches turned on me. Now they’re dead. Okay, so I just wish they were dead. Go read your damned Bible if you want something nice. Moreover, if God were so nice, why did he create evil preachers who steal the life savings from their parishioners?
Mr. Man-ners

CONFIDENTIAL to Wants to Know in Hell:
If he treats you that way, you are morally obligated to do something nasty back. Just make sure there are no marks when they find the body. I’ve heard that putting oranges in a sack and using them to beat someone causes only internal bruises. Hey, if you use this one, let me know if it works.
Mr. Man-ners