Twisted Cat Tales

THIS ANHOLOGY IS NOW OUT!!!! BUY IT AND READ MY STORY: The Butler Did It."

To ORDER this book visit this url: http://store.yahoo.com/shocklines/twcattaedbye.html

Publisher: Coscom Entertainment
Format: Trade Paperback
Description: Introduction by Elizabeth Massie. If the dog is man's best friend, then what is the cat? Companion...nemesis...intruder...amusing pet. From the beginning of recorded history, the cat has been feared or adored, worshiped or despised within cultures all over the world.Featuring an introduction by author Elizabeth Massie, Twisted Cat Tales contains 37 chilling and disturbing stories from horror to fantasy, dark humor, and science fiction. Some are told by observers, some by cats, and still others by the objects of the cats' attention--for good or evil.Editor Esther Schrader spanned the globe gathering unique stories from Australia, Canada, India, Israel, the United Kingdom, and the United States.From the flying felines in the opening story to the lonely lion in the final tale, these cats will get their claws into you.

Contents:
Introduction by Elizabeth Massie
Fine Flying Things by C. A. Gardner
The Righteous Feline by Norman A. Rubin
The Fantastic Tale of the Milliner and the Cat by Ginny Gilroy
The Better Mousetrap by Brian Rosenberger
Tyko Says Goodbye by Joseph D’Lacey
Cat Love You by Bridget Coila
The Black Cat by Rada
Killer Kitty by Harding Young
The Tunnel to Hell by Michael Giorgio
Adoption Process by Phil Geusz
The Wrong Door Game by Gaie Sebold
Here, Kitty Kitty by Esther Schrader
Cat Discipline by Rosalind Barden
Rubies on a Mossy Idol by Hareendran Kallinkeel
The Butler Did It by William D. Hicks
Eight Lives for Tau by Kim Richards
Owen’s Magnus Cat by A.D. Dawson
Raven by Cat Rambo
Navilla’s Wraith by Larry Ivkovich
Firecat by Mark Orr
A Meeting of the Minds by Ron Shiflet
Martin Brownlow’s Cat by Michael Keyton
Nemesis by C. M. Clifton
Puss’ Fortune by Daniel R. Robichaud
A Life in the Day of a Cat by Heidi Wessman Kneale
Arlo by Pasquale J. Morrone
The Alley Cat by Ryan C. Thomas
No Dogs Allowed by Michael Stone
The Cat Named Karma, She was Bad by Shelley Lesher
Catmint Tea by Greer Woodward
The Ka Flap by Trent Roman
First Cat by Larry Hodges
The Truth is Out There by Pamela Skochinski
Saturday Night at the Cattail Bar by Diane Arrelle
Bad Day at Black Cat by Brett Hudgins
Fillybuster’s Garden by Mark E. Deloy
The Last Lion by Fox Cutter

Acronymism: A NEW LANGUAGE IS BORN! (think LUG)

There’s a new phenomenon sweeping the nation—it’s called Acronymism. Basically you use acronyms to describe EVERYTHING so NO ONE knows what you’re talking about!

Take for instance the word LUG (which means Lesbian Until Graduation) and is applied to girls who are bisexual in college. When I was in college, we just called them porn stars, but now they’re LUGs. Does that mean that a GUG (Gay Until Graduation) is a guy STUCK in the closet?

Other acronyms that will SOON come into popular speech include:

GUM—Gay Until Middle-Aged (for those late bloomers)
LUM—Lesbian Until Middle-Aged (for those sickened by motherhood)
GUO—Gay Until Old-Aged (for those men who just NEED a change, or who want LUV WHILE they can get hard)
LUO—Lesbian Until Old-Aged (for those women who want SOMETHING, ANYTHING that will give me a good reaming)
SUM—Sexual Until Married (the NORM)
WUM—Whore Until Monogamous (ONLY HAPPENED IN PRETTY WOMAN—and that was a MOVIE)
MUM—Monogamous Until Mistressed (what most married men are)
MUSYI—Monogamous Until Seven Year Itch (what some married men/women are)
TUB—Top Until Bottom (a straight man who has affairs with men)
BUT—Bottom Until Top (a gay man who has affairs with women)
DUO—Dumb Until Oblivious (THINK Farah!)
SUG—Straight Until Gay (a married man who gets divorced)
GUS—Gay Until Straight (a gay man who knocks up a women when he’s in a drunken stupor)
DUL—Dark Until Light (it’s called the beginning of the day: morning—duh!)
LUG—Light Until Dark (it’s called the end of the day: night—when MOST men hope to get some LUV!)
UUD—Up Until Down (it’s CALLED a turnoff!)
DUE—Dull Until Excited (this precedes DUU)
DUU—Down Until Up (it’s what happens when you get NAKED together)
SUS—Smart Until Stupid (it’s what happens when BUSH opens his mouth and talks)
LUV—Lick Until Vertical (it’s what EVERYMAN wants, but NOT what EVERYWOMAN wants to do!)
LUF—Lost Until Found (it precedes FISYCSL)
FISYCSL—Found It So You Can Stop Looking
FUL—Found Until Lost (it’s what EVERYMAN is until he actually stops and ASKS for directions)
RUW—Right Until Wrong (it’s what EVERYMAN is until a woman corrects him)
WUR—Wrong Until Right (it’s what EVERYWOMAN is when she makes a mistake)
HUV—Horizontal Until Vertical (it’s what a BABY when they FINALLY learn how to walk OR what EVERYDRUNK is when they are ARRESTED for sleeping on the curb)
VUH—Vertical Until Horizontal (it’s what EVERYBODY when they go from living to dying)
RUL—Right Until Left (it’s the direction people tell you, when they do NOT know their right from their left)
LUR—Left Until Right (it’s the direction people tell you AFTER they tell you RUL)



CUA—Child Until Adult (it’s what you want to be at age 5)
AUC—Adult Until Child (it’s what happens to ALZHEIMER’S patients)
SUA—Sexual Until Asexual (it’s what HAPPENED when Lorena Bobbitt bobbed her husband’s penis!)
MUW—Man Until Women (EVERY transvestites dream!)
WUM—Woman Until Man (it’s what happens to MANY hermaphrodites!)
GUB—Girl Until Boy (it’s a lesbian thing)
BUG—Boy Until Girl (it’s a gay thing)
TUT—Twin Until Triplet (it’s what NEVER happens)
AUD—Alive Until Dead (it’s what ALWAYS happens)
BUW—Black Until White (it’s ONLY happened once, and JACKO used bleach!)


By making EVERYTHING an acronym, NO one knows what you’re saying. That’s the beauty of this language. It’s JUST LIKE all those foreigners who INSIST upon using their MOTHER tongue so non-foreigners WON’T know what they’re saying! NOW us NON-FORIEGNERS have our own language to confuse and baffle them with!

On my God...I won!

Oh MY GOD! I WON!
Published 2 weeks, 1 day ago in Mr. Man-ners 2 Comments

WTF!!!!! I HAVE to donate 10%…to who for what?

AND I’m supposed to contact who:

MR.BONGO GORMAN, CLAIMS MANAGER,
LEGAL PRUDENT ATTORNEYS, SANDTON, SOUTH AFRICA

Never MET anynow with a name like THAT before!! Is his
nickname bonkers??!!!!
Or is that what I would be if I believe this bogus notification!!!!
YET–with a godawful (FAKE!) name like that he’s STILL NOT
an attorney…but he works for prudent attorneys who are legal?

WHAT A FRIGGIN LAME ASS CON!!!!!!!!

READ EVEN MORE OF MY comments below on this
CON NOTIFICATION I GOT!


Safa International Lottery
to me
More options 2:09 pm (6 hours ago)
NOTIFICATION OF YOUR LOTTO WINNING
(do they mean lottery???)

We are pleased to inform you today 7th April 2006 as one of the
lucky winners of the SAFA INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY
in conjunction with Confederation of Africa Football (CAF)/
South African Football Association (SAFA) to promote the
first ever soccer world cup in Africa which will be held
2010 in South Africa, draws held on 15th March 2006 as
part of Our 2010 World cup promotional draws.

Participants in the draws were selected through a computer
ballot system drawn from 2,500,000 e-mail addresses of dividuals
(INTERSTING SPELLING HERE!) and companies from
Africa,America,Asia,Australia,
(NO SPACE BETWEEN COMMAS AND WORDS HERE!)
Canada, Europe, Middle East, and New Zealand
as part of our electronic business Promotions Program.
You are qualified for this draw as a result of you visiting various
websites we are running the Electronic-business promotions for.
You/Your Company e-mail address attached with
REFERENCE NUMBER: SAFA 2010/AFRICA
2004, BATCH NUMBER: 154-02I-CAF
with serial number 000-19 drew The lucky
numbers 2-2-14-13-6-36 and consequently won in the
third quarter of the 2006
year draw.

You have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out
of $1,200,000.00 in cash, which is the winning payout for
First category winners. This is from the total prize money of
US$15,000,000.00 shared among the seven winners in
the First category.

CONGRATULATIONS!

Your winnings should be claimed from our paying Agents.
(LEGAL PRUDENT ATTORNEYS) as we have notified them.
Due to the mix-up that may arise from emails of winners and
numbers (MIX UP–WHAT MIX UP??), we ask that you keep this
award strictly from public notice until your claim has been
processed and your money remitted to you. This is part of our
Security Protocol to avoid double claiming
(YOU MEAN I CAN GET TWICE AS MUCH NOTHING! OR BS!!
OR A CON JOB!!!) or unscrupulous acts by participants
of this program.

We hope with a part of your prize, you will participate in our
quarter of year (2006) high stakes US$1.2 billion International
Lottery. (OF COURSE I WILL–IF IT’S FREE–
BUT I DOUBT IT ASSHOLE!) To begin your claim, please contact
our Attorneys who also will be your claims agent.

MR.BONGO GORMAN (WHAT A FRIGGIN’ NAME-I bet he
tries to gore me for as much bongo–meaning MONEY–as he can!)
CLAIMS MANAGER
LEGAL PRUDENT ATTORNEYS
SANDTON, SOUTH AFRICA

For due processing and remittance of your prize money,Remember
(GREAT ENGLISH HERE–CAPS after a comma!) you must
contact your claim agent not later than two weeks After this date,
otherwise,all (NO SPACE after a comma! It’s a good think he’s
NOT an attorney!) funds will be returned as Unclaimed.

Please contact your claims manager and provide him with the
requested information so that he can Expedite the
processing of your claims.

NAME:_________________________________________
COUNTRY:______________________________________

ADDRESS:______________________________________
CITY:____________________STATE/PROV:__________
ZIP/POSTAL:___________________________________
PHONE:________________FAX:____________________
EMAIL:________________________________________
REFERENCE NUMBER:_____________________________
BATCH NUMBER:_________________________________
I’m VERY surprised they don’t come right out and ask for your
social security number here…but MAYBE that’s too obvious…
AFTER they get you to call..they probably claim they need it
for some lame-ass reason, like so they can send the IRS
information on your winnings (but I DOUBT these cons can
EVEN spell IRS!).

NOTE: In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications
(What KIND? IS this surgery for God’s sake? MAYBE–they want to
REMOVE all my money, I’m sure!), please remember to quote
your Reference and Batch numbers in every one of your
correspondences with your agent.
Furthermore you are seriously advised to keep all winning lottery
information and numbers from the public in line with our company
security protocol to avoid double claiming (I HOPE THEY are
quadruple claimed—by some form of government agency that can
put this con company OUT of busines!) and unwarranted abuse of
this program by unscrupulous individuals. Again, should there be
any change in your address, do inform your claims agent as soon as
possible.

Congratulations again from all our staff and thank you for being
part of our Promotions program.

Yours sincerely,

Customers Service Department
Safa (STUPID ASSHOLES who FUCK ANONYMOUS schmuks!)
National Lotteries.

N.B. Any breach of confidentiality on the part of the winners
will result to disqualification. (OOPS…I did it again! Exposed!!)
Anybody below the age of 18 is automatically disqualified,You are
obliged to donate 10% (ONLY 10%…and they probably want that
before you get YOUR payout! Hmmm….is that the con?
OR MORE???) of your winning to any listed charity
organization in South Africa. Please do not reply to this mail,
contact your claims agent
(No period…strange stupid ripoff artists!!!)

ON THE MOVE

Due to a move over to....Mr. Man-ners my blog will be down this week. Check out the new site while it's being worked on and send me feedback!

Mr. Man-ners: God and Famous Singers

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Mr. Man-ners: Managment Change Scares Worker

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Mr. Man-ners: Getting Smashed and Drunk

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Mr. Man-ners: Makeup and shit

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Mr. Man-ners (56): Asses, Chicago CTA, The Pink Line, Politics, Gay, Rohypnol, Progesterex, Cocktails, Urban Myths, Feelings, Skid Marks

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I found this weird site about being out of work. It’s called http://www.askyourass.com/. What do you make of it?
Out of Work

Dear Out of Work:
If it smells like ass….and tastes like ass…it probably is for asses! I'm not sure...but I think the point of this site is to have EVERYONE ask questions...THEN look like asses when they don't get answers! Ask your question there. I tried, but I never saw an answer. I tried again and got this response: "Oops, you've already asked a Question. Sorry, only one question per visitor." (IT SHOUD SAY “Sorry, only one question per ASS”—but alASS it doesn’t). One WONDERS is this site run by a proctologist or what. Try it and tell me if you like it—you Ass!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I heard that the kids in Chicago picked a new color for a CTA line. The color was pink? Why?”
Chicagoan

Dear Chicagoan:
It’s ALL politics! The kids submitted suggestions and the GAY politicians picked pink. That’s MY guess!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I heard there’s some kind of new drug that’s mixed with Rohypnol that prevents raped women from getting pregnant. Have you heard anything about this?
Curious

Dear Curious:
Curiosity killed the cat you twit! I’m NOT telling ANYONE so they can use it, but I’m telling women so they don’t get raped with it! Rohypnol is the date rape drug. THIS IS WHAT I’VE HEARD. SUPPOSEDLY, Progesterex is mixed into a cocktail (along with Rohypnol) so a women can be raped (and not remember it). It’s SUPPOSEDLY a way for rapists (who SHOULD have their balls removed PLUS their dicks!) to prevent an unwanted pregnancy in women (so they won’t be IDed months later by a paternity test). But Progesterex (which is SUPPOSEDLY USED to sterilize horses and other large animals) doesn’t JUST prevent pregnancy in women—it permanently sterilizes them. So if any women has ever had this done wants to take a knife and whack off their rapists dick and balls—I say an eye for an eye is perfectly acceptable in this case (IF IT ALL WERE TRUE!)! HOWEVER, you nincompoop—since this is an URBAN MYTH—that’s been perpetuated by everyone including the Internet and the media—I say, GET A FRIGGIN LIFE! IT’S NOT REAL—IT DOES NOT EXIST!
Mr. Man-ners


Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Sometimes, and it’s not all the time I get this feeling as I drive over a train crossing that a train is coming and that it is going to wipe me and my car off the face of the earth. It’s a strong feeling, but it never happens. What does it mean?
Feelings

Dear Feelings:
Feeling, woe, ho, ho feelings. I make of it that you are either:
1. SUPER paranoid (and need your head shrunk by a professional voodoo priestess).
2. Psychic (and someday this is the way you will DIE—in a fiery blaze of skid marks—think underwear)
3. PLAIN weird (‘nough said).
4. FULL OF SOMETHING (it’s not ESP—it’s Shit! Since you probably make this whole cockamamie story up!).
My final feeling is that I don’t ever hear from you again, I’ll be happy. Because if you’re 1, 3 or 4 you are TOO weird for me. And if you’re 2 you scare me! And if I hear you died in a train/car collision, well, I don’t care, I don’t care. I don’t care.
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners: Schmucks and music

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Mr. Man-ners: Planned Obsolescence & Christmas

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People are Strange (Google Searches 2)

redheaded people (Okay, now I’m a LITTLE confused. Is this a bi man/woman who has a fetish for redheads? Or someone doing research on why redheads tend to burn quicker in the sun?)
philipino women (What is the fascination with philipino women? Do they do something different in bed? Or are they cheaper to own—e.g. they want Fords instead of BMWs for blowjobs?)
SLEEP BITCHES (WTF is this? I thought ALL women were angels when they were asleep—but they were ALL bitches when they were on the rag. OR is it that even asleep women on the rag are bitches?)
chicago cigarette revenue (Must be Bush trying to find another way to increase taxes!)
Neil Lofquist 5 (NO—5 is how many times this was a hit! There are NOT 5 Neils—which is TOO bad because then we could kill him in 5 horribly different ways—as it stands he’ll probably go out with a lethal injection)
"lofquist murder" (Hmm, another wacko sicko trend. People are MORE interested in a murderer than say the war in Iraq or President Bush. Are they just trying to distract themselves—or do they really HATE Bush?)
bill clinton pics (In or out of the act? With or without Monica? With or without his cigar?
illegal immigration rally (was it for ILLEGALS to immigrate or to rally?)
trivada, drug for HIV 3 (3—no this is NOT HIV3—it’s 3 times people searched for this new drug that might stop HIV from taking hold. Hmm, a theme, AGAIN! Sex, drugs and drugs that’s allow you to have unprotected sex!).
famous people from elk grove village il. (Okay, someone out there is REALLY stupid. They didn’t find anyone the first time—and it’s ONLY been a few weeks—you don’t become famous over a month!)
Bill Hicks (Oh—how people LOVE me…if only. They’re probably searching for the comedian—and I’m just a humorist!)
Mr Hicks Men's Wear (Periods are NOT only for women--they're ALSO for abbreviations! I wish I had a line of clothing but I don’t. If I did it would be full of hip and suave clothes for men—and NO kilts!)
mens washroom etiquette (It’s a common theme…men don’t know how to behave in the bathroom—so they look it up online--then behave badly anyhow.)
Lauren lofquist 2 (Two people searched for her. She’s famous now that her father killed her—it’s too bad he didn’t JUST kill himself!)
caps yelling 2 (Two people—weird what people look for—they NEED to know how to yell in email—because they’re too WEAK to yell in person).
blog ballbust nut kick (Okay, WTH—what the hell? Someone REALLY want to hurt a man—in a blog? Why? Because they don’t want to do it in real life? That’s like yelling in an email—it’s WORTHLESS!
Smokebuddy (I wonder if somebody is that lonely that they’re looking for a smokebuddy. Or if it’s a blonde, maybe she’s looking for the other women who smoked with her who said, “Hi, guess I’m your smokebuddy.”)
ners sex (Is this NURSE sex? Or Nerves sex? Or something German? Or French? Or Greek? Is this REALLY bad spelling or a foreign language?)
humorous google searches (Odd that this one should come up — right when I’m writing one!)
large mammories (Men or perhaps women LOVE big tits—big tits sell—sex sells.)
bed and breakfast "messy guests" (are they TRYING to figure out how to get messy guests to move OUT or INTO a bed and breakfast?)
"planned obsolescence" humor (Hmm, I thought I was the ONLY humorist writing about it—but maybe that was the plan! So I’d look obsolescent—out of date—old!)
famous people and lung cancer (Who cares—most of them are dead anyway! I’d rather read about famous people and large mammories! Thanks for the mammories!)
philipino jokes (This is obviously about the Pilipino women with large mammories)
philippino pussy (Okay, obviously someone likes cats! Err, or large mammoried cats!)
"dingy whites" +laundry (AHA—one REAL housewife, maid named Hazel still exists!—just one thing, SHOUT! IT OUT! in caps of course.)
the art of john coltrain blue note personnel (I know he was some kind of musician—but did he own a temp company too?)
bills top pics (as opposed to bills bottom pics?)
mumbling problems (I’m not sure, hmmm, wha…who knows…wha this is bout, uhhh).
bill hicks, ashley furniture stores (I’ve been there, but I was NEVER arrested. Unless of course, I won a contest—did I, did I? PLEASE say I did!)
Brian A Annoreno 2 (TWO people wanted to know about him—ANOTHER common theme—murderers sell!)
smoking ban cook county definition (the definition of county? Or cook? Or cook county? Why do people ask the STUPIDIST questions?)
girlfriend left me with the mortgage (Okay, at least she left you holding onto something—other than your deflated manhood! Or did she leave with the mortgage man? Or did she take the mortgage with her? Depends on where you put the periods---and that’s probably what she was having when she left! Be thankful she didn’t leave you with an STD!)

What Kind of Writer Am I? (Makes sense!)

You Should Be a Joke Writer

You're totally hilarious, and you can find the humor in any situation. Whether you're spouting off zingers, comebacks, or jokes about life... You usually can keep a crowd laughing, and you have plenty of material. You have the makings of a great comedian - or comedic writer.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Mr. Man-ners: How do I get out of having sex with my husband?

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