J. K. Rowling is planning on killing Harry Potter. Or so the rumor goes. How could she do that to someone who made her famous and rich? Unless….she plans on creating a new enterprise. Something similar, but different. Something instantly recognizable as her own.
Something like….
Dairy Prodder (A man and his charming prod and how the sound of his commands are so electric the cattle do as he commands. He’s the Cattle Piper—NOT the Pied Piper)
Hairy Plotter (Can a man with hairy arms keep from getting them torn off in his plotter printer? Is there some spell that will stop this from happening?)
Carrie Clotter (Carrie got her period and went on a rampage. If she had ONLY clotted…her powers could have been used for good, not evil)
Ferry Sodomy/Fairy Rodder (The pornographic story of gay men and their magical sexual wands and their sheaths!)
Jerry Sprodder (What is a spod? Who knows? Who cares? The people who watch this daytime talk show reveal secrets about their lives that ONLY a wizard could find out—a wizard with a long microphone wand, that is!)
Larry Trotter (The story of a brother who didn’t have the love of his family…who didn’t have a successful restaurant…but who DID live in an alternate reality…full of flying…magic…and psychotropic drugs!)
Mary Totter (The story of a happy drunk who believed she could fly…but took a short walk off a long pier….than flew right to the bottom of the ocean.)
Terry Potter (A man with only clay and his hands…can build almost anything…he’s Godlike.)
Airy Carotid (Veins that float… invisible arteries. The story of ghosts.)
Stairy Godder (Go up and up and up…. this Stairway to Heaven. What a magical time it will be….to visit with God in his kingdom in the sky…NO flying device, e.g., broom required)
Berry Blotter (This magical device—commonly known as feet—magically creates wine.)
Smeary Blotter (The futuristic bleach stick removes any stains…blood…wine…grass...NOT magically, but technologically BY magic!)
Contrary Imprimatur (Sounds impossible…a contrary form of explicit approval…contrary approval…well “oh, ho, ho it’s magic…I know…never believe it’s not so”)
Scary Jotter (This magical being…saves lives….cures diseases....he’s scary…but EVERYONE treats him like a God, even though he has handwriting ONLY a pharmacist can read. The life of a doctor.)
Merry Yachter (See and Harry didn’t think he had anything wonderful…but his parents left him EVERYTHING. This is the story of a penniless orphan who became rich when he reached age 12…sounds like Harry, but it isn’t.)
Kerry Otter (A wondrous animal that could swim and walk….and even talk to other animals…under the water. And with a wave of its magical teeth and tale it was able to create wooden structures from a pile of leftover trees. Oddly enough, it was a rare offspring between an otter and a beaver)
Wary Squatter (The story of how this woman was afraid she’d be bit if she squatted to pee in the forest…but how she met these wonderful animals that took her down a rabbit hole…and there was a dragon and a ring…and some Hobbits….and…even some elves)
Cherry Rotter (This magical device is opposite a chastity belt. It’s more along the lines of rohypnol without the loss of memory. Watch as the Cherry Rotter enchants people…from small to thin…from short to tall…from male to female.)
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
Personal Personals
Okay. So sometimes I see things I just can’t believe. A friend sent me this funny personal sometime back. It states the man’s preferences all in candy and snack terms. My friend guaranteed me this ad was for real.
It read, in part: I have dark brown hair with a wee tad grey, dark brown eyes, light skin, mustache, hairy chest, and a "100 Grand" smile! I'm passionate, caring, and "Whoppers" of fun! It went on like this in the candy theme: Who knows, maybe starting with a simple "Hershey Kiss", we could make it a great "PayDay"!
WOW! Was this guy into candy or what? I counted and he used about 340 words…with about 10% or more being candy/junk food terms. He claimed “By the way, you don't HAVE to be into CANDY!” yet….”(P.S. "Milk Duds" and "Cheetos" need not answer this ad, ha ha).” Wacked out…or onto something?
Maybe it’s the wave of the future. To make someone read a personal ad you need to catch their attention…obviously this caught someone’s attention…otherwise I would have never seen it. So maybe this guy was onto something. I can see these ads catching on. They will have catch phrases in them…terms…words…that can be speed-read. People usually skim these ads anyhow….many NEVER even read beyond “Hello, my name is.” because they ALL say the same thing…romance yes, outside sex no, oceans yes, wackos no. The regular personal ads are just way too boring. So this is what these ads will mutate to…..I can imagine it now…my NEW career will be in writing these personals….
Healthy LifeCycler Seeks Same:
“Vegan” “yoga” nut…seeks counterpart who feels that “mad cow” is the plague of ALL “flesh-eaters.”
Horny Busy In-Shape Seeks Pussy:
“Gym rat” seeks a pussy “cat” to play with….come run with me on my “treadmill”…we can win this “rat race” together.
Lawyer Seeks Paralegal (or trained professional, e.g. dominatrixes step to the front of the line):
“Lawyer” needs a woman who can make “non-fallacious arguments”…who “never resorts to name calling”, but can prove her points “beyond a reasonable doubt.”
Alcoholic Man Seeks Understanding:
If you like “pina coladas” and “throwing up in the rain” we might have met at “O’Malleys”…but that was probably during one of my“DT” “blackout "Escapes". Since then, I’ve “Let go and let God” take over my life. If you have also, maybe we can meet at an “AA” meeting. “My name is Jim and I’m an alcolholic (recovering)"…
Poor Young Female Writer Seeks Help:
Female “writer” desperately seeks her “muse.” Someone who can "inspire" me. Someone who understands that "Artist's Life" and how hard it is to be a “writer.” Someone who can be a “benefactor,” a companion, a lover. Someone who can support me emoionally and financially. Someone who can also help me “edit” my soon-to-be finished “Best Seller.”
Old seeks Young:
“Candy Man” seeks girls who like to lick “lollipops.” I will be your personal “Slowpoke”. And I have Jawbreakers” too. If you lick and lick and lick…your “Blow” will "Pop" me. I will “melt in your mouth"--I will "not" melt "in your hands.”
It read, in part: I have dark brown hair with a wee tad grey, dark brown eyes, light skin, mustache, hairy chest, and a "100 Grand" smile! I'm passionate, caring, and "Whoppers" of fun! It went on like this in the candy theme: Who knows, maybe starting with a simple "Hershey Kiss", we could make it a great "PayDay"!
WOW! Was this guy into candy or what? I counted and he used about 340 words…with about 10% or more being candy/junk food terms. He claimed “By the way, you don't HAVE to be into CANDY!” yet….”(P.S. "Milk Duds" and "Cheetos" need not answer this ad, ha ha).” Wacked out…or onto something?
Maybe it’s the wave of the future. To make someone read a personal ad you need to catch their attention…obviously this caught someone’s attention…otherwise I would have never seen it. So maybe this guy was onto something. I can see these ads catching on. They will have catch phrases in them…terms…words…that can be speed-read. People usually skim these ads anyhow….many NEVER even read beyond “Hello, my name is.” because they ALL say the same thing…romance yes, outside sex no, oceans yes, wackos no. The regular personal ads are just way too boring. So this is what these ads will mutate to…..I can imagine it now…my NEW career will be in writing these personals….
Healthy LifeCycler Seeks Same:
“Vegan” “yoga” nut…seeks counterpart who feels that “mad cow” is the plague of ALL “flesh-eaters.”
Horny Busy In-Shape Seeks Pussy:
“Gym rat” seeks a pussy “cat” to play with….come run with me on my “treadmill”…we can win this “rat race” together.
Lawyer Seeks Paralegal (or trained professional, e.g. dominatrixes step to the front of the line):
“Lawyer” needs a woman who can make “non-fallacious arguments”…who “never resorts to name calling”, but can prove her points “beyond a reasonable doubt.”
Alcoholic Man Seeks Understanding:
If you like “pina coladas” and “throwing up in the rain” we might have met at “O’Malleys”…but that was probably during one of my“DT” “blackout "Escapes". Since then, I’ve “Let go and let God” take over my life. If you have also, maybe we can meet at an “AA” meeting. “My name is Jim and I’m an alcolholic (recovering)"…
Poor Young Female Writer Seeks Help:
Female “writer” desperately seeks her “muse.” Someone who can "inspire" me. Someone who understands that "Artist's Life" and how hard it is to be a “writer.” Someone who can be a “benefactor,” a companion, a lover. Someone who can support me emoionally and financially. Someone who can also help me “edit” my soon-to-be finished “Best Seller.”
Old seeks Young:
“Candy Man” seeks girls who like to lick “lollipops.” I will be your personal “Slowpoke”. And I have Jawbreakers” too. If you lick and lick and lick…your “Blow” will "Pop" me. I will “melt in your mouth"--I will "not" melt "in your hands.”
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Sorting Through My Life
It’s amazing to think, I moved into my new condo 12 months ago. And the only things I still need to do are finish organizing the 16 boxes of files I brought along, finish sorting through ALL the new crap I bought and all the OLD paperwork I brought with from my previous house (10 years ago!) and wash the floors, clean the carpets, do the dishes, wash the laundry, dust the dust bunnies, and it will be LIKE I was JUST born. Because as we all know—the bigger the space we have—the more crap we accumulate! And the more crap we accumulate—the larger the toilet we need for it (or in MY case, the larger the house).
So, if I had the money, by the time I reached retirement age, I’d have a castle in Europe JUST to house all the stuff I’ve accumulated to age 55 (hell, I’m going to retire at 55 if I can AFFORD a castle for my crap—if I’m going to dream-write, I’m going to dream-write BIG!).
But why is it, I can’t seem to get rid of all those old stained things I own, or I don’t wear anymore, or I can't use until I have a place to work on them? Like the brown spotted t-shirts (HOW do t-shirts get brown spots?—I do NOT want to know!). Like the items I’m GOING to use some day for some artistic endeavor (IF I ever can afford a basement or yard—that I can stain with stain/paint/ink/dye or bleach!). Like the old letters from my great grandmother to my mother—that are written in hieroglyphics—and who cares why she decided to go to Dubuque anyway! Like my Great Aun'ts old handkerchiefs that are all stained and have age holes in them—that someday I want to iron and do SOMETHING with—and I do NOT mean blow my nose (they're way too feminine for that! Yet somehow they aren’t too feminine to display?). Like the shoes that are blue that I can’t wear anywhere because, well, they’re just so last decade's color. Like the change from Europe that is worth nothing (many of the countries do NOT exist anymore) and is probably worth close to nothing EVEN if the countries still existe—but somehow NEEDS to be carried from one new house to another new house to another new house to another new house.
And if I could EVER get rid of these things…all these things…these memories…this junk…my oddities…it would be like I was just born. That is, just born a damned pack-rat! Ready to start over. Oh, how I wish for a fire someday, so I can start this collecting nightmare ALL over again!
So, if I had the money, by the time I reached retirement age, I’d have a castle in Europe JUST to house all the stuff I’ve accumulated to age 55 (hell, I’m going to retire at 55 if I can AFFORD a castle for my crap—if I’m going to dream-write, I’m going to dream-write BIG!).
But why is it, I can’t seem to get rid of all those old stained things I own, or I don’t wear anymore, or I can't use until I have a place to work on them? Like the brown spotted t-shirts (HOW do t-shirts get brown spots?—I do NOT want to know!). Like the items I’m GOING to use some day for some artistic endeavor (IF I ever can afford a basement or yard—that I can stain with stain/paint/ink/dye or bleach!). Like the old letters from my great grandmother to my mother—that are written in hieroglyphics—and who cares why she decided to go to Dubuque anyway! Like my Great Aun'ts old handkerchiefs that are all stained and have age holes in them—that someday I want to iron and do SOMETHING with—and I do NOT mean blow my nose (they're way too feminine for that! Yet somehow they aren’t too feminine to display?). Like the shoes that are blue that I can’t wear anywhere because, well, they’re just so last decade's color. Like the change from Europe that is worth nothing (many of the countries do NOT exist anymore) and is probably worth close to nothing EVEN if the countries still existe—but somehow NEEDS to be carried from one new house to another new house to another new house to another new house.
And if I could EVER get rid of these things…all these things…these memories…this junk…my oddities…it would be like I was just born. That is, just born a damned pack-rat! Ready to start over. Oh, how I wish for a fire someday, so I can start this collecting nightmare ALL over again!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Your Love Element is...
Your Love Element Is Metal |
 In love, you inspire and respect your partner. For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience. You attract others with wit and a bit of flash. Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you. Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life. You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past. You connect best with: Earth Avoid: Fire You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other |
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Women's Work is Never Done
Okay, so I’m your classic male chauvinist pig. Remember I’m a classic. And how do you get to be a classic, by having all the others disappear. How does that happen? It all started with women’s right to vote. Then they deiced to declare war on men and actually run for office and hold down outside jobs! Damn, they won the battle, but not the war.
It all started when I was 22. A very young age. Well, not so young, but young when you’ve never done women’s work. This was when my mother decided that the men in the house should do their own laundry. We protested with, “But we’re men. We fight the battles, we protect the women” which didn’t work, because mom responded, “Well, now it’s time to fight the battle of the dingy whites.”
How could I learn to do something that was clearly not meant for men? How could I learn to separate the white and colors and delicates and use laundry soap with names like Tide, Germs Be Gone, and Women Wash, Men Hunt? This was clearly women’s work. “Mom, I’m not up to the task. Can you do my laundry for just 22 more years, then I swear I will learn?” “No. If you want clean jeans tomorrow for your big date, you’ll have to do them yourself.” But Mom, I never wanted to be in touch with my feminine or maternal side, I wanted to say. But I didn’t. Instead, I threw all my laundry, whites, pinks, purples, blacks and blues (bruised blue jeans) into the laundry, poured in a heaping amount of detergent and waited. I didn’t have to wait long—the suds came pouring out of the machine as if the clothes had declared war on them. “Mom, help. Help!” And Mom came this time. “What did you do, use the whole box?” “No. I just put the amount of soap equal to the poundage into the machine,” I said. “Didn’t you read the directions on the box? It only takes a cup.” “No.” Come on Mom, I wanted to say, you know men never read directions. It was a manly mistake. I wanted to say these things, but instead I thought them loudly.
Still, after the cleanup (which Mom forced me to do, so I could be even more in touch with my feminine side), Mom refused to do my laundry. I wanted to say, “If a crazy man runs in here brandishing a pistol, I won’t have time to protect you, because I’ll be doing laundry.” But I didn’t say it.
Finally, the wash cycle finished my clothes. I noticed my tighty-whities looked like something the teletubbies would wear: That was when I knew I had to integrate my manly side with my unmanly feminine side, if I ever wanted to survive the locker room at my local health club. So, I learned how to lift and separate (my clothes too). Nothing has come out pink or purple (unless it was pink or purple to begin with) since that time.
However, I’m still manly. Women’s work is women’s work. Men’s work is men’s work. I will protect the women and hunt and kill the animals, women can cook and clean. Unless of course, I want my meat cooked medium with just a touch of Worcestershire sauce and my shirts to have that pristine “just dry-cleaned” stiffness that comes only from spray starch. I don’t do dishes (my dishwasher does). And I don’t do makeup—unless of course I get a pimple, then I use the skin-toned pimple cream to clear it up—but NOT to hide the pimple. And I don’t make my bed—unless company is coming over, or I want that linen-fresh scent straight from the dryer sheets. And I don’t tell people how I’m feeling, unless I’m depressed, lonely, happy or needy. See, I’m still a male chauvinist pig. Just a more elightened one.
It all started when I was 22. A very young age. Well, not so young, but young when you’ve never done women’s work. This was when my mother decided that the men in the house should do their own laundry. We protested with, “But we’re men. We fight the battles, we protect the women” which didn’t work, because mom responded, “Well, now it’s time to fight the battle of the dingy whites.”
How could I learn to do something that was clearly not meant for men? How could I learn to separate the white and colors and delicates and use laundry soap with names like Tide, Germs Be Gone, and Women Wash, Men Hunt? This was clearly women’s work. “Mom, I’m not up to the task. Can you do my laundry for just 22 more years, then I swear I will learn?” “No. If you want clean jeans tomorrow for your big date, you’ll have to do them yourself.” But Mom, I never wanted to be in touch with my feminine or maternal side, I wanted to say. But I didn’t. Instead, I threw all my laundry, whites, pinks, purples, blacks and blues (bruised blue jeans) into the laundry, poured in a heaping amount of detergent and waited. I didn’t have to wait long—the suds came pouring out of the machine as if the clothes had declared war on them. “Mom, help. Help!” And Mom came this time. “What did you do, use the whole box?” “No. I just put the amount of soap equal to the poundage into the machine,” I said. “Didn’t you read the directions on the box? It only takes a cup.” “No.” Come on Mom, I wanted to say, you know men never read directions. It was a manly mistake. I wanted to say these things, but instead I thought them loudly.
Still, after the cleanup (which Mom forced me to do, so I could be even more in touch with my feminine side), Mom refused to do my laundry. I wanted to say, “If a crazy man runs in here brandishing a pistol, I won’t have time to protect you, because I’ll be doing laundry.” But I didn’t say it.
Finally, the wash cycle finished my clothes. I noticed my tighty-whities looked like something the teletubbies would wear: That was when I knew I had to integrate my manly side with my unmanly feminine side, if I ever wanted to survive the locker room at my local health club. So, I learned how to lift and separate (my clothes too). Nothing has come out pink or purple (unless it was pink or purple to begin with) since that time.
However, I’m still manly. Women’s work is women’s work. Men’s work is men’s work. I will protect the women and hunt and kill the animals, women can cook and clean. Unless of course, I want my meat cooked medium with just a touch of Worcestershire sauce and my shirts to have that pristine “just dry-cleaned” stiffness that comes only from spray starch. I don’t do dishes (my dishwasher does). And I don’t do makeup—unless of course I get a pimple, then I use the skin-toned pimple cream to clear it up—but NOT to hide the pimple. And I don’t make my bed—unless company is coming over, or I want that linen-fresh scent straight from the dryer sheets. And I don’t tell people how I’m feeling, unless I’m depressed, lonely, happy or needy. See, I’m still a male chauvinist pig. Just a more elightened one.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Mr. Man-ners: Torando, Six Flags, Stiches, Concussion, Suing
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
It’s weird. I knew the ride was dangerous. That new Tornado ride at Six Flags. Some girl hit her head needed stitches and got a concussion. What do you think about that?
Theme Park Attender
Dear TPA:
I think if you play with tornados you’re bound to get injured! And what a waste. Is the girl suing so she can avoid the 3 hour lines to get on the ride, so she can actually experience the ride? I bet her parents are suing (but NOT for the ride time!).
Mr. Man-ners
It’s weird. I knew the ride was dangerous. That new Tornado ride at Six Flags. Some girl hit her head needed stitches and got a concussion. What do you think about that?
Theme Park Attender
Dear TPA:
I think if you play with tornados you’re bound to get injured! And what a waste. Is the girl suing so she can avoid the 3 hour lines to get on the ride, so she can actually experience the ride? I bet her parents are suing (but NOT for the ride time!).
Mr. Man-ners
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
People are Strange (Google Searches 11)
Now for more strange but funny Google searches that ended at MY blog! (ANY numbers in parenthesis are the amount of times this search ended up on MY blog.)
"mortgage man" song—Is this like the HiHo song for the mortgage guy when he’s about to repossess for non/late payment?
famous singers—Are they REALLY looking for infamous singers who had so many melodramas they could have their own soap operas? Think Jacko. Think Britney.
Servant 1—I guess it’s like your #1 Son. Once you know what to do with the first one, you reacess EVERYTHING and do things differently for the second one.
pants down spankings childhood—MUST be a pedophile looking for pictures!!!
knock knock jokes—Did a kid write this search or is some adult looking for jokes they can tell at the office (and if that’s the case—why the hell don’t they remember any from when they were kids??). STUPID!
Email Contact Mr. Phillip Hilliard @yahoo.com—PROBABLY a scam name….do NOT email this person!!!
ners movies—Obviously this is German or something and is a kink porn film…I’d guess. Please NERS take my temperature anally!!!
"wet seat" pee—Is this a kink or an accident? What the hell are they looking for? Pictures? Or how it feels? Don’t they know if they peed their pants?
"pushing" constipated constipation to push poop—Okay…pushing does NOT work. SEE A DOCTOR if it lasts long enough to type constipated constipation!!!
HOME URINAL HIDE MR—Is this Mr. Hide’s (s/b Hyde) (as opposed to Dr. Jekyll) home urinal? Or are they looking for a way to hide their Mr. in a urinal??
stange looking pussy—OBVIOUSLY it was REALLY a dog! Not a cat. And WHAT is a “stange”? Is that a strange stain?
"mortgage man" song—Is this like the HiHo song for the mortgage guy when he’s about to repossess for non/late payment?
famous singers—Are they REALLY looking for infamous singers who had so many melodramas they could have their own soap operas? Think Jacko. Think Britney.
Servant 1—I guess it’s like your #1 Son. Once you know what to do with the first one, you reacess EVERYTHING and do things differently for the second one.
pants down spankings childhood—MUST be a pedophile looking for pictures!!!
knock knock jokes—Did a kid write this search or is some adult looking for jokes they can tell at the office (and if that’s the case—why the hell don’t they remember any from when they were kids??). STUPID!
Email Contact Mr. Phillip Hilliard @yahoo.com—PROBABLY a scam name….do NOT email this person!!!
ners movies—Obviously this is German or something and is a kink porn film…I’d guess. Please NERS take my temperature anally!!!
"wet seat" pee—Is this a kink or an accident? What the hell are they looking for? Pictures? Or how it feels? Don’t they know if they peed their pants?
"pushing" constipated constipation to push poop—Okay…pushing does NOT work. SEE A DOCTOR if it lasts long enough to type constipated constipation!!!
HOME URINAL HIDE MR—Is this Mr. Hide’s (s/b Hyde) (as opposed to Dr. Jekyll) home urinal? Or are they looking for a way to hide their Mr. in a urinal??
stange looking pussy—OBVIOUSLY it was REALLY a dog! Not a cat. And WHAT is a “stange”? Is that a strange stain?
Monday, June 12, 2006
Dear Mr. Man-ners: Mrs. Doubtfire, Drag Queen, Bank Robber, Designer Clothes
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Did you hear about the Mrs. Doubtfire lookalike Drag Queen who liked rob banks?
News Watcher
Dear News Watcher:Y
es! She was dragged off to prison to live with ALL the other queens! I suspect she did it to afford all those designer clothes she coveted.
Mr. Man-ners
Did you hear about the Mrs. Doubtfire lookalike Drag Queen who liked rob banks?
News Watcher
Dear News Watcher:Y
es! She was dragged off to prison to live with ALL the other queens! I suspect she did it to afford all those designer clothes she coveted.
Mr. Man-ners
Sunday, June 11, 2006
People are Strange (Google Searches 10)
Now for more strange but funny Google searches that ended at MY blog! (ANY numbers in parenthesis are the amount of times this search ended up on MY blog.)
philipino jokes (2)—THIS must be the new Polish joke!
philipino women (3)—This must be the next porno star—what do Philipino women have/do that men want so much? Or are they purchasable on the black market in the human slave market? Hope not! But one has to wonder.
naked philipino women—At least this searcher asked for what HE/SHE really wanted!
Farting—Must be a man looking…women think farts are GROSS!
urethral pee hole play—NOW that just sounds MORE like torture than play!
gay until graduation—Another word I thought I coined—guess NOT! What a dumbass am I? Do NOT answer that!
pills that make ass big—I would think that this is either a woman who THINKS she ate some pill by accident that made her ass big—or a kinky man who likes fat women!
huge mammories (3)—This one pops up ALMOST every single time. MEN (and/or WOMEN) love to look at big boobs (or do they just laugh at them?).
annoying coworkers (2)—I guess we all have them—like most people get hemorrhoids
Pee shy in guys—NO WAY! If you’re pee shy, how could you pee “in” guys?
wellhung art—how does art become well hung? Is it a throwback to a previous generation (like well hung cocks? Okay, so I made THAT part up—but it would be a GREAT excuse for average hung to below average hung guys!).
philipino jokes (2)—THIS must be the new Polish joke!
philipino women (3)—This must be the next porno star—what do Philipino women have/do that men want so much? Or are they purchasable on the black market in the human slave market? Hope not! But one has to wonder.
naked philipino women—At least this searcher asked for what HE/SHE really wanted!
Farting—Must be a man looking…women think farts are GROSS!
urethral pee hole play—NOW that just sounds MORE like torture than play!
gay until graduation—Another word I thought I coined—guess NOT! What a dumbass am I? Do NOT answer that!
pills that make ass big—I would think that this is either a woman who THINKS she ate some pill by accident that made her ass big—or a kinky man who likes fat women!
huge mammories (3)—This one pops up ALMOST every single time. MEN (and/or WOMEN) love to look at big boobs (or do they just laugh at them?).
annoying coworkers (2)—I guess we all have them—like most people get hemorrhoids
Pee shy in guys—NO WAY! If you’re pee shy, how could you pee “in” guys?
wellhung art—how does art become well hung? Is it a throwback to a previous generation (like well hung cocks? Okay, so I made THAT part up—but it would be a GREAT excuse for average hung to below average hung guys!).
Saturday, June 10, 2006
How Evil am I?
You Are 56% Evil |
 You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination. |
People are Weird (Google Searches 9)
Now for more strange but funny Google searches that ended at MY blog! (ANY numbers in parenthesis are the amount of times this search ended up on MY blog.)
neil lofquist (15)—Get over it, he’s a strange murderer!
Lauren Lofquist murder—Let the poor girl rest in peace!!!
John coltrain (3)—His last name does NOT start with a lowercase. A dumbass wrote this!
mr yuck—As opposed to Mr. Yummy??!!
ballbusting—Does a woman want to know how to do this to her man, or does the man want to know if it happened to him?
ballbashing club—A club for this? All the members must be women, I must assume (or it’s for people into S/M).
ballbusting kicks—Okay….does this mean people who get kicks out of ball busting….or the kind of karate kicks will bust a man’s balls? Either way, it’s way weird!
people are strange meaning—It means that people have weird secrets…weird appetites…weird fantasies (the proof is in the searches on this page). But WHO THE HELL WANTS TO KNOW?
oprah mentions english butler—No clue. Perhaps someone missed Oprah’s show and wanted to know about an English butler? Or the English Butler was looking for the transcript.
greek housewarming traditions—Making you bend over and take it like a man!
"insurance company"—I bet they got 1 million pages on this search!
beaches nude—If you’re TOO cheap to buy a guidebook to find these, you’ll NEVER be able to afford to go where these are legal!
Acronymism—And I THOUGHT I coined that term. What do I think I’m GOD? Of course it’s already word—but I’m NOT sure what the REAL definition is! That’s because I had get ALL the Catholics up in arms about this DaVinci Code movie!
neil lofquist (15)—Get over it, he’s a strange murderer!
Lauren Lofquist murder—Let the poor girl rest in peace!!!
John coltrain (3)—His last name does NOT start with a lowercase. A dumbass wrote this!
mr yuck—As opposed to Mr. Yummy??!!
ballbusting—Does a woman want to know how to do this to her man, or does the man want to know if it happened to him?
ballbashing club—A club for this? All the members must be women, I must assume (or it’s for people into S/M).
ballbusting kicks—Okay….does this mean people who get kicks out of ball busting….or the kind of karate kicks will bust a man’s balls? Either way, it’s way weird!
people are strange meaning—It means that people have weird secrets…weird appetites…weird fantasies (the proof is in the searches on this page). But WHO THE HELL WANTS TO KNOW?
oprah mentions english butler—No clue. Perhaps someone missed Oprah’s show and wanted to know about an English butler? Or the English Butler was looking for the transcript.
greek housewarming traditions—Making you bend over and take it like a man!
"insurance company"—I bet they got 1 million pages on this search!
beaches nude—If you’re TOO cheap to buy a guidebook to find these, you’ll NEVER be able to afford to go where these are legal!
Acronymism—And I THOUGHT I coined that term. What do I think I’m GOD? Of course it’s already word—but I’m NOT sure what the REAL definition is! That’s because I had get ALL the Catholics up in arms about this DaVinci Code movie!
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Mr. Man-ners: TV, Cliffhangers, Who Shot JR, Guns
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
What do you think are the 10 TV cliffhangers of all time?
TV Viewer
Dear TV Viewer:
I’d say it was “Who shot J.R.?” 10x. I’m not a critic you boob tube. I’m an advice columnist. My advice is STOP watching all that TV and start getting a real life (EVEN if it includes being hit by a stray bullet during a drive-by shooting). TV isn’t real. Guns are real!
Mr. Man-ners
What do you think are the 10 TV cliffhangers of all time?
TV Viewer
Dear TV Viewer:
I’d say it was “Who shot J.R.?” 10x. I’m not a critic you boob tube. I’m an advice columnist. My advice is STOP watching all that TV and start getting a real life (EVEN if it includes being hit by a stray bullet during a drive-by shooting). TV isn’t real. Guns are real!
Mr. Man-ners
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
ANOTHER CON...with a RELIGIOUS angel! (misspelled on purpose!)
URGENT HELP NEEDED Please Read
(YEAH...that's the first place I'd LOOK...the Internet...when he's rich! GIVE ME A BREAK!!!)
Dear Beloved, (DID HE STEAL THIS FROM OPRAH’S MOVIE?? He doesn't even know me...how rude!!)I know this email will come to you in an odd manner (NO IT CAME TO ME THROUGH MY SPAM BLOCKER—AS I EXPECTED FROM A CON EMAIL WOULD—SO IT WASN’T ODD AT ALL!) as you have notreceived any prior communication from me before now.But (WHY NO SPACE HERE—ARE YOU A NOWBUT KIND OF EMAIL CONMAN?) be that as itmay. (IS THIS EVEN A COMPLETE SENTENCE—I KNOWNOT!!! LOL).My name is Mr. Farrand Wallace, I am from Portugal .I (Hmm, a rich man who doesn’t even know where periods and spaces go, somehow that’s HARD for me to believe!) have been diagnosedwith Esophageal cancer. It has defied all forms of medical treatment, andright now I have only about a few months to live,according (spacing???) to medicalexperts. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never reallycared for anyone (not even myself) but my business.Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile topeople and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I caredfor.But (NOW—he’s a FORBUT!) now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to lifethan just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believewhen God gives me a second chance to come to this world (OH, naughty, naughty. NOW we know this writer believes in life after death—which will TURN off MANY Christians!!) I would live mylife a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, (HEY BUDDY, he got a wrong number!!!) I have willed and given most of my propertyand assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as fewclose friends (I BET YOU GAVE your money to “few close friends”).I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, Ihave decided to give alms to charity organizations,as I want this to beone of the last good deeds I do on earth. (THEN WHY DID YOU GIVE “MOST” of it to family and friends buddy??) So far, I have Distributedmoney to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Somalia and Malaysia.Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myselfanymore. (IF YOU HAVE FAMILY & FRIENDS HAVE THEM DO IT FOR YOU!!!) I once asked members of my family to close one of my accountsand distribute the money which I have there to charity organization inBulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves.Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended withwhat I have left for them. (NOW I SEE—they got most of the money—but they wanted it all—and YOU CANNOT WRITE A CHECK TO THESE ORGANIZATIONS because the cancer in your esophagus prevents that!!!) The last of my money which no one knows of isthe huge (YOU said you gave away MOST of it already!!) cash deposit of Thirty Million United StatesDollars($30,000,000,00) that I have with an Finance Vaulting Unit Abroad. (WHAT THE hell is a “finance vaulting unit abroad—is that different than a finance track & field unit abroad??) I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatch it to charityorganizations. N/B:Kindly note that 35% of this funds must go to the tsunami victims,60%to other Charity Organization and 5% for your effort and time. (Hmmm…so I get to keep 1.5 million?? NOT LIKELY—UNCLE SAM will likely get 40-60%--do YOU really want that to happen? I’d suggest you mail the checks yourself—so MORE money goes to these charities and LESS goes to government taxes!)I cannot talk with you on the phone due to my health situation, (NO?? But you can write a VERY LONG email—CAN I then speak to your lawyer? Obviously he knows you’re doing this, just in case someone should contest it later!! Right??) as I amusing my Lap Top (If you’re USING a laptop, you’d KNOW how to spell it!!!) Computer to communicate with you. You should respond tothis e-mail if you are interested in carrying out this assignment on mybehalf.pls (YOU MUST be TOO tired to spell out the word please…but if that’s so…how can you spell out the word address & your name later…SOUNDS fishy!! Like stinky fish!!!) get back to me on this e-mail address: farrand.wallace@mac.com (DO NOT RESPOND—AS THIS IS AN INTERNET CON!!!)God be with you.
Farrand Wallace
(AND ALSO WITH YOU, YOU BIG, FAT, TURD CONMAN!!!)
(YEAH...that's the first place I'd LOOK...the Internet...when he's rich! GIVE ME A BREAK!!!)
Dear Beloved, (DID HE STEAL THIS FROM OPRAH’S MOVIE?? He doesn't even know me...how rude!!)I know this email will come to you in an odd manner (NO IT CAME TO ME THROUGH MY SPAM BLOCKER—AS I EXPECTED FROM A CON EMAIL WOULD—SO IT WASN’T ODD AT ALL!) as you have notreceived any prior communication from me before now.But (WHY NO SPACE HERE—ARE YOU A NOWBUT KIND OF EMAIL CONMAN?) be that as itmay. (IS THIS EVEN A COMPLETE SENTENCE—I KNOWNOT!!! LOL).My name is Mr. Farrand Wallace, I am from Portugal .I (Hmm, a rich man who doesn’t even know where periods and spaces go, somehow that’s HARD for me to believe!) have been diagnosedwith Esophageal cancer. It has defied all forms of medical treatment, andright now I have only about a few months to live,according (spacing???) to medicalexperts. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never reallycared for anyone (not even myself) but my business.Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile topeople and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I caredfor.But (NOW—he’s a FORBUT!) now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to lifethan just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believewhen God gives me a second chance to come to this world (OH, naughty, naughty. NOW we know this writer believes in life after death—which will TURN off MANY Christians!!) I would live mylife a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, (HEY BUDDY, he got a wrong number!!!) I have willed and given most of my propertyand assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as fewclose friends (I BET YOU GAVE your money to “few close friends”).I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, Ihave decided to give alms to charity organizations,as I want this to beone of the last good deeds I do on earth. (THEN WHY DID YOU GIVE “MOST” of it to family and friends buddy??) So far, I have Distributedmoney to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Somalia and Malaysia.Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myselfanymore. (IF YOU HAVE FAMILY & FRIENDS HAVE THEM DO IT FOR YOU!!!) I once asked members of my family to close one of my accountsand distribute the money which I have there to charity organization inBulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves.Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended withwhat I have left for them. (NOW I SEE—they got most of the money—but they wanted it all—and YOU CANNOT WRITE A CHECK TO THESE ORGANIZATIONS because the cancer in your esophagus prevents that!!!) The last of my money which no one knows of isthe huge (YOU said you gave away MOST of it already!!) cash deposit of Thirty Million United StatesDollars($30,000,000,00) that I have with an Finance Vaulting Unit Abroad. (WHAT THE hell is a “finance vaulting unit abroad—is that different than a finance track & field unit abroad??) I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatch it to charityorganizations. N/B:Kindly note that 35% of this funds must go to the tsunami victims,60%to other Charity Organization and 5% for your effort and time. (Hmmm…so I get to keep 1.5 million?? NOT LIKELY—UNCLE SAM will likely get 40-60%--do YOU really want that to happen? I’d suggest you mail the checks yourself—so MORE money goes to these charities and LESS goes to government taxes!)I cannot talk with you on the phone due to my health situation, (NO?? But you can write a VERY LONG email—CAN I then speak to your lawyer? Obviously he knows you’re doing this, just in case someone should contest it later!! Right??) as I amusing my Lap Top (If you’re USING a laptop, you’d KNOW how to spell it!!!) Computer to communicate with you. You should respond tothis e-mail if you are interested in carrying out this assignment on mybehalf.pls (YOU MUST be TOO tired to spell out the word please…but if that’s so…how can you spell out the word address & your name later…SOUNDS fishy!! Like stinky fish!!!) get back to me on this e-mail address: farrand.wallace@mac.com (DO NOT RESPOND—AS THIS IS AN INTERNET CON!!!)God be with you.
Farrand Wallace
(AND ALSO WITH YOU, YOU BIG, FAT, TURD CONMAN!!!)
Sunday, June 04, 2006
People are Strange (Google Searches 8)
Now for more strange but funny Google searches that ended at MY blog! (ANY numbers in parenthesis are the amount of times this search ended up on MY blog.)
Hareendran Kallinkeel—Hari Krishna? No. Hairy Drained Kalli then kneeled? Oh who knows how to pronounce it. Let’s just say, he/she is a real person (or a pseudonym)…who knows? JUST remember ANY publicity is GOOD publicity!
bill hicks—People ALWAYS search for me, unless they’re searching for the dead comedian!
Planned Obsolescence—It’s CALLED being a human!
99 red luf balloons lyrics—ONE person must still like this song. Or they’re SO high they think they’re flying on 99 red balloons (which is the MORE likely scenario)!
how much does it cost to make Mrs. Butterworth syrup—The real question is how many trees MUST die to make one bottle?
how can I tell if I am a sexaholic?—IF you have time to ask, you’re not having enough sex to be a sexaholic? It’s JUST wishful thinking on your part!
cta/pink line—Yeah, not too many people care, now do they? So, CTA how many riders do you think you will convince to RIDE on this line??
why men spit urinal—Because they can. If women spit when they were peeing, it’s be called lubrication!
men's etiquette—It’s called NONEXISTANT! Men are crude and rude! Take it from one who has the inside track!
famous people peeing outside—Weird! Watching people pee must be a HUGE fetish! I say let them pee where they want, as LONG as it is NOT on me!
Hareendran Kallinkeel—Hari Krishna? No. Hairy Drained Kalli then kneeled? Oh who knows how to pronounce it. Let’s just say, he/she is a real person (or a pseudonym)…who knows? JUST remember ANY publicity is GOOD publicity!
bill hicks—People ALWAYS search for me, unless they’re searching for the dead comedian!
Planned Obsolescence—It’s CALLED being a human!
99 red luf balloons lyrics—ONE person must still like this song. Or they’re SO high they think they’re flying on 99 red balloons (which is the MORE likely scenario)!
how much does it cost to make Mrs. Butterworth syrup—The real question is how many trees MUST die to make one bottle?
how can I tell if I am a sexaholic?—IF you have time to ask, you’re not having enough sex to be a sexaholic? It’s JUST wishful thinking on your part!
cta/pink line—Yeah, not too many people care, now do they? So, CTA how many riders do you think you will convince to RIDE on this line??
why men spit urinal—Because they can. If women spit when they were peeing, it’s be called lubrication!
men's etiquette—It’s called NONEXISTANT! Men are crude and rude! Take it from one who has the inside track!
famous people peeing outside—Weird! Watching people pee must be a HUGE fetish! I say let them pee where they want, as LONG as it is NOT on me!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Friday, June 02, 2006
A LOTTO BULL
WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS ANNOUNCEMENT THAT I WON A LOTTERY? LET ME COUNT THE PROBLEMS IN THIS FRAUDULENT LOTTO ANNOUNCEMENT I RECEIVED!!!
TATTS LOTTO
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONHORSTHUIS, KEIZERSGR 1021185 CW AMSTERDAM, NETHERLAND (I’d think it would be Netherlands)FROM: THE DIRECTOR OF PROMOTIONSREF: TL921245/75QTBATCH: IP/10161/TLPATTENTION: Winner, (THEY don’t even know my name!!!)AWARD FINAL NOTIFICATION:We are pleased to inform you the release of the result of the TATTS (is THIS like a Tattoe lottery—do I get to pick the tattoe of my choice???) LOTTO INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION held a fortnight ago. (Hmm, did Abraham Lincoln draw the winners?)You were entered as an independent client with: Reference Number: TL921245/75QT, and Batch Number IP/10161/TLP. Your email address attached to the ticket number: 778 that drew the lucky winning number, which consequently won the sweepstakes in the second category. You have been approved for a payment of $1.000.000, 00 (ONE MILLION DOLLARS.) in cash credited to file with reference number: TL921245/75QT. (IF THIS WAS THE SECOND CATEGORY>>>WHAT WAS THE FIRST WORTH??) This is from a total cash prize of (TEN MILLION DOLLARS) Shared among the ten lucky winners. (SOOOO….10 people won, I won the second category, so 9 other people won, which I must presume was 9 million more dollars…but did they win in the first or second or third or OTHER category???)All participants were selected through a random computer ballot system drawn from 91,000 (Ninety One thousand) (I UNDERSTAND #s, why spell it out??) names of email users around the world, as part of our international promotion programme (IS this an British spelling or just a misspelling??) to promote the use of internet (WHERE ARE THE COMMAS??? OR do they take up character count??) thereby increasing the market share of computer soft wears. (soft wears? Do they mean softwares? Or am I supposed to wear a computer?)Due to mix up of some names and addresses, we ask that you keep this award personal discreet, (Why does it have a wife? Or husband that will take offense?) till your claim has been processed and your funds remitted to you. (If they’re JUST asking and it’s NOT required…screw them!!!) This is part of our security measures (What are OTHER parts of the their security—perhaps they should adderss me BY name!!!) to avoid double claiming or unwarranted taking advantage by otherparticipants or impersonators. (OKAY…so unwarranted taking advantage of impersonators?? What the hell does that mean? That some impersonators ARE warranted??) To begin your claim, do file for the release of your winning (MY WINNING WHAT? Soft wear? I like HARD WEAR better!!) by contacting your accredited agent:Larry Ruzzo.TATTS LOTTO SECURITY AGENCY.TEL: +31- 633 787 044FAX: +31- 205 248 474Email: tattslotto@netscape.netYOUR SECURITY FILE NUMBER IS V-6772/G9 (keep personal) Remember; your winning must be claimed not later than (06/29/2006). Failure to claim your winning prize, (OKAY…ENGLISH please…where is the “If you fail”…)it will be added to the next international lottery promotion.Furthermore, Should there be any change in your address, (WHAT IS my address? You don’t even know my name!!!) endeavour to inform your claim's agent as soon as possible.Once again, Congratulations.Yours faithfully, Ms, (WHY comma instead of a period…I DOUBT that is right in ANY country!!!) Suzan Tessier.DIRECTOR OF PROMOTION.
TATTS LOTTO
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONHORSTHUIS, KEIZERSGR 1021185 CW AMSTERDAM, NETHERLAND (I’d think it would be Netherlands)FROM: THE DIRECTOR OF PROMOTIONSREF: TL921245/75QTBATCH: IP/10161/TLPATTENTION: Winner, (THEY don’t even know my name!!!)AWARD FINAL NOTIFICATION:We are pleased to inform you the release of the result of the TATTS (is THIS like a Tattoe lottery—do I get to pick the tattoe of my choice???) LOTTO INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION held a fortnight ago. (Hmm, did Abraham Lincoln draw the winners?)You were entered as an independent client with: Reference Number: TL921245/75QT, and Batch Number IP/10161/TLP. Your email address attached to the ticket number: 778 that drew the lucky winning number, which consequently won the sweepstakes in the second category. You have been approved for a payment of $1.000.000, 00 (ONE MILLION DOLLARS.) in cash credited to file with reference number: TL921245/75QT. (IF THIS WAS THE SECOND CATEGORY>>>WHAT WAS THE FIRST WORTH??) This is from a total cash prize of (TEN MILLION DOLLARS) Shared among the ten lucky winners. (SOOOO….10 people won, I won the second category, so 9 other people won, which I must presume was 9 million more dollars…but did they win in the first or second or third or OTHER category???)All participants were selected through a random computer ballot system drawn from 91,000 (Ninety One thousand) (I UNDERSTAND #s, why spell it out??) names of email users around the world, as part of our international promotion programme (IS this an British spelling or just a misspelling??) to promote the use of internet (WHERE ARE THE COMMAS??? OR do they take up character count??) thereby increasing the market share of computer soft wears. (soft wears? Do they mean softwares? Or am I supposed to wear a computer?)Due to mix up of some names and addresses, we ask that you keep this award personal discreet, (Why does it have a wife? Or husband that will take offense?) till your claim has been processed and your funds remitted to you. (If they’re JUST asking and it’s NOT required…screw them!!!) This is part of our security measures (What are OTHER parts of the their security—perhaps they should adderss me BY name!!!) to avoid double claiming or unwarranted taking advantage by otherparticipants or impersonators. (OKAY…so unwarranted taking advantage of impersonators?? What the hell does that mean? That some impersonators ARE warranted??) To begin your claim, do file for the release of your winning (MY WINNING WHAT? Soft wear? I like HARD WEAR better!!) by contacting your accredited agent:Larry Ruzzo.TATTS LOTTO SECURITY AGENCY.TEL: +31- 633 787 044FAX: +31- 205 248 474Email: tattslotto@netscape.netYOUR SECURITY FILE NUMBER IS V-6772/G9 (keep personal) Remember; your winning must be claimed not later than (06/29/2006). Failure to claim your winning prize, (OKAY…ENGLISH please…where is the “If you fail”…)it will be added to the next international lottery promotion.Furthermore, Should there be any change in your address, (WHAT IS my address? You don’t even know my name!!!) endeavour to inform your claim's agent as soon as possible.Once again, Congratulations.Yours faithfully, Ms, (WHY comma instead of a period…I DOUBT that is right in ANY country!!!) Suzan Tessier.DIRECTOR OF PROMOTION.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
