EXECUTIVE RULEs 6 & 7 & 8 & 9 & 10

For the corporate structure that allows people the optimum amount of growth in the company (after all the employees are the backbone of the company, NOT the executives!) the following rules (along with the earlier and the ones that follow) will be adhered to by ALL executives.

Anyone paid over 100,000 a year (including the CEO, CFO, executives, and SENIOR management and SOME middle management) shall be considered an Executive, a Chief, not an Indian (if the company is too chief laden, the Indians are encouraged to revolt!). However, due to executive rule #8 below, this is NOT going to happen at OUR Company.

• No executive shall EVER drive a car with a price tag higher than the LOWEST full-time employee’s yearly salary. If they want MORE expensive cars, they need to raise this person’s salary.

• Any executive who joins the company will agree NOT to bring in NEW employees from a previous work relationship. Instead, they will hire/promote from within. At such time as the person who is getting this promotion is incapable of being trained, or refuses the job, then an outsider may be hired (but ONLY if everyone who is as capable of learning this new position declines within a department, or the training would require too much time—such as that of learning how to become a brain surgeon). In this way, no employee shall feel slighted—and the company will ACTUALLY be honest when saying, “We promote from within.” Companies do NOT need new blood; they just need someone capable of thinking OUTSIDE the box! (moreover, we ALL know "the box" is the brains of the current senior management and executive staff).

• Any new initiatives that executives propose will have to have VERIFIABLE results. They get to see their employees’ efforts every day. Nevertheless, executives are often thinkers, NOT doers. Still, many thinkers create work that is NEITHER profitable NOR verifiable to the company. A computer can generate new ideas for a fraction of the cost of an executive salary: what makes a GOOD executive is the ability to deal with people (civilly, respectfully and inspirationally) and make things happen that are profitable for the company, while NOT being detrimental to its already stretched-thin and overworked workforce.

• Executives will NEVER take away benefits from employees. Employees count on these benefits (be it GOOD health insurance, floating holidays, annual Christmas parties, bonuses, etc.) as part of their salary. So if a benefit is taken away for a reduced cost benefit, the executive (e.g. company) shall have to give EACH employee 200% of that benefit cost (albeit in another way—e.g. vacation time, paid time off, perks, etc.).

• Executives shall NOT get any other benefits NOT offered to employees other than an increased salary. How is it fair for a beginning executive to have 6 weeks vacation when a 20-year employee only gets less (four, five?). Executives who MUST drive for the company (meaning ONLY sales staff that actually SEES outside clients) shall have a car allowance (one which pays for the car and its upkeep). But if this car is EVER used for personal business—this benefit shall be taken away.

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EXECUTIVE RULEs 3 & 4 & 5

As I mentioned in Executive Rule 1 & 2 there are MANY more rules that executives SHOULD have to adhere to. I’m NOT talking about rules against drug use or illegal activities. What I’m talking about are the guidelines, we as middle managers and peons expect from our leaders!

Anyone who makes $100,000 or more will henceforth be considered an executive. These employees should follow the following rules or lose their title, money and ultimately their privileged lives (NO I’m NOT advocating murder!).The following rules are for MALE executives:

• If a male executive wants to date an underling (and/or marry her) he will NOT treat this woman differently (for better or worse!) than any of the other people at work. If he buys this date a full-length mink for those cold frosty mornings when she must walk two feet from HIS Mercedes to the front door, the EXECUTIVE will HAVE to buy EVERY female employee a mink coat as well. THIS will cut down on women at work marrying for the money—because if they are a gold-digger—after a couple of mink coats (and EVERY WOMAN at work getting one) the rich executive would be broke and bankrupt ! This would ALSO alleviate any potential EXECUTIVE ENVY (similar to PENIS ENVY, but based on a bigger paycheck/benefits, e.g. mink coats!) at work.

• Executives who constantly divorce older wives for younger women, should think twice, because every time an executive is remarried—he will have to invite the entire company to the wedding. Including sending every one of them airfare. Even the people in Juno, Alaska. This would reduce the amount of marriages executives have (forcing many of them to stay married—which looks morally good on paper for the company). And fornication outside of marriage would be punished at a rate of one year’s salary for every act of oral satisfaction. Be it kissing or other more sophisticated forms of oral enjoyment. Other orifices will cost two years salary (this money will come out of the executive’s 401K savings!). As would the cost of the detective that took these photos. Thus if an executive does this, he will have to pay all this money, plus the IRS penalties (if he cannot repay this money back into the IRS account before the end of the year)!

• Every executive will sign a release form stating that he will adhere to the terms of these rules. If legal action is EVER brought against the corporation for any reason, this executives will become the mailroom’s bitch (meaning they have to make EVERYONE in the mailroom coffee, take orders from them, and wipe their assess).

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TSHIRT READS:
SINGLE. Oral Applicatons Accepted.

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Men are Martians & Women are Venusians

Men and Women. They have different minds. They react differently to different stimuli.

Men are more visually oriented. Women are more emotionally oriented. Take for instance pornography. Men love a good porno. Women accuse men of being more attracted to porn starlets then to them.

It’s no surprise that men are different from women. Hell, if I were a woman and had to sit to pee, I’d be angry at the world too. But just because men are from Mars and women are from Venus, does that mean we can’t get along? I guess so. That’s why there are all those alien war movies.

So, women are aliens. That’s what we men believe. Women prove it everyday. If a man is angry with his girlfriend or wife, he tells her. But if a woman is angry she “gives clues.” These clues include bleaching his favorite red shirt so it looks like shredded HIS bloody skin.

Below are some actions that prove women/men are different…

A man stands to pee and does not engage other men when doing so. If he must sit to shit, he makes flushing noise (even if the flusher is broken) so no one know it’s his plop plops in the toilet.
A woman sits to pee and then talks over the stall wall about everything she can think of. Anything that is, to avoid talking about the smells and sounds of the bathroom.

A man punches a wall.
A woman stops having sex.

A man goes and watches a violent movie to release some of his anger.
A woman goes and sees a tear jerker then associates EVERYTHING bad the man did in the movie with the man she’s pissed off at. So the women gets angrier.

A man punches another man.
A woman talks and talks to her girlfriends about “how to handle” the man. But she never talks to the man.
A man has an affair.

A woman accuses a man of having an affair every other day, thus putting the thought into the man’s mind and annoying him so much that he actually does have an affair.

A man works longer hours to avoid his woman.
A woman makes longer phone calls to the man to make sure he’s at work and make sure he’s not having an affair.

A man drives drunk.
A woman gets drunk, then has her boss drive her home (thus making her man THINK she is having an affair).

A man writes/deals with his feelings.
A woman cries and cries and cries some more. Then she talks and talks and talks some more. Then she wonders if it’s ALL her fault.

A man makes a decision.
A woman worries if she’s making the right decision. Then she talks to friends about whether she’s making the right decision. Then she asks her parents if she’s making the right decision. Due to lack of decisiveness and the time that passes ultimately the decision gets DECIDED for her.

Mr. Man-ners: Who do you think is the Almighty?

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Who is God?
Wonderer

Dear Wonderer:
Just don’t become a wanderer! I’m God. You’re God. We’re all God. Now send me some money!
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners: Hair today, gone tomorrow?

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I go to this hair stylist. Yet EVERY time I try to go she’s on vacation, or taken a day off, or some such SH*T.
Needs a Haircut

Dear Needs a Haircut:
That’s NOT all you need—you need your mouth washed out with soap you fucking idiot. I’m the ONLY one who can swear in this column—get it! So, maybe she’s just a rich bitch who has a hair fetish—must be because I don’t know many hair stylists who can take off a lot of days—and still support living!
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners: What's with Walmart?

Dear Mr. Man-ners: So. Wal-Mart is giving a pay increase to their workers. What’s that all about?Business Watcher

Dear Business Watcher:
It’s about time! I think they think it will make their worker’s think they’re good guys. Bullshit! Give them the Big Box or give them liberty!
Mr. Man-ners

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Gentleman's Ballscratcher




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Mr. Man-ners: Where can we smoke?

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Soon us smokers won’t even be able to smoke in our own homes. What can we do?
A Smoker

Dear A Smoker:
I agree. It appears people need a scapegoat to pick on: And it’s still legal to discriminate against someone with a tobacco addition. If only people had takes this much interest in alcohol—M.A.D.D. would be overcrowded—and alcoholism would be running rampant. Just remember second smoke doesn’t kill people—it’s the government who allows insurance companies to NOT pay for smoking cessation classes (in favor of letting smokers get cancer—HOW stupid is that?). And the government who allows large lobbyist factories to pollute. So second hand smoked doesn’t kill people—it’s the government!
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners: How can you stay in a big box?

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Did you hear Target pulled out of a couple of deals in Chicago due to the Big Box law?
Told You So

Dear Told You So:
You told me nothing, you idiot. And with Chicago’s Big Box it’s amazing Target could even stay in (wink-wink).
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners: Do you have ANY manners?

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
You don’t have any manners. I doubt that you are even a man!
Your Biggest Critic

Dear B.C.:
Obviously you were born before Christ because YOU are the ONLY person that feels that way. I do have manners. Orange you glad I didn’t call you a turd?
Mr. Man-ners

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