Part of My Morning Ritual

This time I opt for the toothpaste that was NOT created by a famous artist—but STOLE his name (DaVinci—that’s why the Mona Lisa was NOT smiling—she used his toothpaste and ALL her teeth fell out.)—to make my teeth pearly white (it must have ACID in it to remove the plaque). Hope it works, it costs as much as a DaVinci painting (but I HOPE after using it, it’s NOT my Last Supper with teeth). While brushing this time, I pay special attention to my NOW bleeding gums and blood-coated tongue so my breath will not smell like a “Fresh” kill. Soon, I will have such white teeth and wonderful breath people will flock to date me (at least that's what all the TV commercials suggest). The reality is probably more like: vultures will flock above; expecting to eat my leftover kills or sharks will swim in a circle awaiting their chum.

Have cafes gone to the dogs?

August 18, 2007
I just heard that dogs may soon be legal inside café’s in Chicago. But not cigarettes. How does that makes sense? I’d rather have a smoker who I can get away from, sitting across from me. A dog will chew on your shoes while drooling all over short-exposed legs—then hump your leg. And when you try to escape he will follow you and pee on you (marking you as “his” territory). Smokers will politely put out their cigarette (even though they are more addicted to then than crack addicts are to crack)—how polite can they be? A dog is not so polite—it will hump you—then depart without even giving you a goodbye kiss. Plus while humping you he will likely shed, bark and fart without even an apology.

Dogs (pets in general) are NOT children, as much as some people treat them as such. And smoking is an addiction (an addiction that pays for MANY important programs in Chicago—so important, that since they over-increased the cigarette tax and people have either quit smoking or left town to buy their cigarettes, Chicago now must put a tax on bottled water—finally a fair tax!). But dogs don’t get taxed just for being—or for being something their owner is addicted to—even though this is oftentimes the case. Yet dogs are okay at bars/cafes, and cigarettes are not. How does that make ANY sense?

And before you ASSUME I’m a smoker—I quit almost a year ago (and have some issues with the smell)…but I still feel smokers are the ONLY minority who it’s okay to be blatantly and openly bigoted about!!

Mr. Man-ners (from Gas Leaks Bother Me)

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
My boss has a gas problem. He has been farting in front of people (judges, attorneys, etc.) for over 20 something years and no one says anything. Yes, he has done it to me. But today was the last straw. He farted in my area and left a horrible smell behind. I am feeling very disrespected. Can you please tell me how to deal with this without alienating myself?
Gas Leaks Bother Me

Dear Gas Leaks Bother Me:
They bother LOTS of people and kill many people EVERY year! Tell him to have his furnace checked out so NO one has to die! Or maybe he thinks you’re INTO “man smells”. Tell him this is NOT the case and that he should douche so he ONLY passes clean “natural” gas. That MIGHT give him a clue. But I doubt it. Your boss is a SHIT (Stupid Hedonistic Ignorant Twit)—and he’s full of shit too! My suggestion is to SNEAK a whoopee cushion into some IMPORANT meeting and make sure HE sits on it. When that upsets his clients, well, maybe he’ll get a clue! But don’t hold your breath, oops, maybe you should!
Mr. Man-ners

And Now A New Feature...

The cartoon Strange Breed is very funny and will now be featured on my site Wednesday/Friday/Sunday...so keep reading!! Tell me what you think.