Hello, my formal name is Musca Domestica. But my owner calls me Buzz…bzzz. I’m not a spectacularly unique hairless cat from Azia…bzzz…or a dog with a zmall…bzzz…snout…bzzz...and long fur; I’m just an ordinary housefly…bzzz.
People think it’s zo…bzzz...great to be a housefly. They always zay, “I wish I were a fly on the wall.” But let me tell you, it’z…bzzz…not that eazy. Notatall. Bzzz. Zorry…bzzz…I had to zay….bzzz….that fast, because I have a lizzzp. Bzzz. It only happens when I zpeak…bzzz…“sy” or “z” wordz. Bzzz. Or anything that sounds like thiz…bzzz. It get’z…bzzzz…worze…bzzz...the more I zpeak…bzzzz. Then it happenz...bzzz...with all “s’s”…bzzz…bzzz. Zee…bzzzz, it’z…bzzz…not that eazy…bzzz…to be a houze...bzzz...fly...bzzz. All my friendz…bzz…have the zame…bzzz… lizzzp…bzzz. Zat’z…bzzz…why I left home. I wanted to be different. Ztart…bzzz…a new life. Different than theirz…bzzz. I got tired of the zhit…bzzzz…literally. Okay, zo…bzzz…I must admit…I like zhit…bzzz…but it’z…bzzz…like…thiz…bzzz…amazing…bzzz…addiction that’z…bzzz… zweeping…bzzz…my brethren. Zo…bzzz…I quit cold turkey (now that zoundz…bzzz…bzzz…good). And I moved in with a man I barely knew. Now I live in a plant…I’m a vegan…a vegetarian…exzept…bzzz…when a little zhit…bzzz…doesn’t fluzh…bzzz. Then I get re-addicted to zhit…bzzz. Ztill…bzzz…it’s…bzzz…juzt…bzzz…happenz….bzzz…occazionally…bzzz. Like human’z….bzzz…liquor. But that’z…bzzz…another ztory…bzzz. Az…bzzz...I waz….bzzzz…zaying….bzzz…it’z….bzzz...not eazy…bzzz…being a houzefly…bzzz. We get no rezpect…bzzz…not like butterfliez…bzzz. And they ztart…bzzz...out uglier than houzefliez…bzzz…bzzzz. It’z…bzzz…a hard life to be a houzefly…bzzz. Uz…bzzz…having this annoying lizzzp…bzzz—it’s a dizability…bzzz…really, thiz…bzzz…lizzzp…bzzz. People juzt…bzzz…find it zo…bzzz...repulzive...bzzz. Pluz…bzzz, it makez…bzzz…our livez…bzzz…even harder.
Firzt…bzzzz,…uz…bzzz… houzefliez…bzzz…bzzz…don’t live that…bzzz…long. Zee…bzzz…my lizzzp…bzzz…juzt…bzzz…keepz…bzzz…getting worze…bzzz…az…bzzz…I fly. Maybe, I’ll juzt...bzzz…land…that zeemz…bzzz…bzzz…to ztop…bzzz…it for a while.
Okay, that’s better. As I was zaying…bzzz…, we don’t live that long. Just a little over two monthz…bzzz…and many of us don’t even make it past…bzzz… two weeks. That’s like a year every day for humanz…bzzz. Bet nobody will ever use “fly yearz”…bzzz… for anything—we have zuch…bzzzz…a bad reputation…for eating zhit…bzzz…and dead things. Anyhow, the first month I spent eating shit and dead animalz…bzzz… by the side of the road and annoying trailer trash.. Not much of a life, I’m afraid. But I’ve moved up and out. I moved into a condo to extend my lifecycle. My owner lovez…bzzz… to play “zwat…bzzz…the fly” with me. It’s great fun, he zwingz…bzzz…at me and I fly around all excited buzzing…bzzz...wildly that he’z…bzzz…finally awake enough to zwing…bzzz…hiz…bzzz arms around, rather than brush me off while he’z…bzzz…a asleep. He thinks I buzz…bzzz...because I want to annoy him, but it’s a lizzzp…bzzz…as I zaid…bzzz…it’z…bzzz…hereditary like having crozzed...bzzz…eyez…bzzz. Plus, with me living one year every day, well, I’ve got to make zome…bzzz…noise…bzzz…while I’m ztill...bzzz...around, you know. Anyhow, I love my owner—he loves me. I know because he’z…bzzz…tried to zet…bzzz… me free. He gives me fresh air and triez…bzzz…to get me to breath it in deeply, playing with me, trying to move me toward that outzide…bzzz. But I don’t like the wind currents outside anymore—the weather is turning ugly—there’z…bzzz….no food for me outside..bzzzz... I don’t like the night, because I’m afraid of the dark. Plus, I’m hoping that by ztaying...bzzz...inside, I might extend my lifecycle a bit. Anyhow, I like my new life. I’m an indoor house…bzzz…fly now. Anyhow, my owner iz…bzzz…up, I can feel him on my antennae. I’m off and flying.
The next time you zay…bzzz…something…bzzz…zmart….bzzz…azz…bzzz…about being a fly—juzt remember that a houzefly’z…bzzz…bzzz… life izn’t…bzzz...that great. We don’t live that long. We eat zhit…bzzz…at least…bzzz…mozt…bzzz...of uz…bzzz… do. And unlezz…bzzz…you can find yourzelf…bzzz…a nice owner, like I did, well your up zhit’s…bzzz…creek without a paddle. Gotta buzz…bzzz…now, zee…bzzz…you later..
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