Gaining Fame

Fame. I want it. I want to get noticed. I want to live forever. But how do I attain fame? How do I become famous without killing or maiming someone?

Can I ever be as famous as Roseanne Barr or Joan Rivers or Bill Hicks (hey, that’s me! or even as famous as Bozo the Clown)? Will I ever write as well as Dave Barry or as satirically as David Sedaris? Most of all, will I ever win the fame game and make a lot of money (meaning more than I make now—which isn’t much)?

What do I have to do to attain fame? Do I have to get accused and acquitted of having sex with children ala Michael Jackson (then have Donald Trump offer me a multi-million dollar Vegas gig, claiming I’ll be bigger than Celine Dion)? Or get sent to prison, where I make orange the new black, like Martha Stuart.

Or would I need to make some bogus (but printable—which means anything nowadays) claim about sex/celebrity. Sex sells! I could say that, “I had sex with Madonna, and she’s really just Like a Virgin.” Or “I had sex with a goat, two pigs and a deer (who really was a dear), because I want unconditional bestiality love.” Or “I saw Mary Kate and Ashley nude and when Ashley was naked she revealed she was a living doll (meaning she was a robot of Mary Kate, similar to Data in the Star Trek episode where he meets himself in the future/past).” Or “President George W. Bush is secretly a childlike Roswell alien (like Robin Williams’s character Mork from Ork) cloned from President George H. W. Bush’s sperm and he wants to start a War of the Worlds.” Or “Oprah Winfrey is secretly a Mormon and is married to O.J. Simpson, Michael Jordan and Sammy Sosa (she has a fetish for “players” who can’t commit to marriage).

However, if these false claims didn’t gain me fame, maybe I could just dance like my panties were on fire (or just two sizes too small) like Jennifer Lopez. Or I could shake my tits and ass (anyone want to donate some T&A for a good cause?) like I had ants in my pants just like Charo or Britney Spears. Maybe, if I focused on celebrities/musicians, I could attain fame like radio personalities: Howard Stern & Drex of the Drex Morning Show in Chicago (who? a DJ in Chicago with a cool irreverent style) & Russ Martin of the Russ Martin Show (who? I don’t know…just that’s he’s got a radio show and has attained some kind of following). So, see I’m seeking any kind of fame!

On the other hand, maybe to gain fame, I should get involved in a monetary political scandal. It would be a poli-scandal (as opposed to the sexgate scandal of Monica Lewinsky’s famous semen stained blue dress). Mine would be a poli-scandal like that of Tom Delaney or Mayor Richard Dailey (bet they wish it were a sexgate scandal, since America seems to forgive this kind of thing—as proven by President Bill Clinton).

Or maybe to attain fame I need to become one of those Desperate Housewives. What are these women desperate for? It can’t be for sex: Teri Hatcher, Felicity Huffman, Marcia Cross, Nicollette Sheridan and Eva Longoria seem to get laid more often than some prostitutes (at least once/twice every hourly episode).

I could say/do these outrageous things. And perhaps it would shoot me into the spotlight—but it might just shoot me in the head. And suicide is just not PC (politically correct) enough to gain me fame. Granted, it worked for Doctor Death (Dr. Jack Kevorkian) but that was because he was an old fart—I’m too young and not famous enough (like Kurt Colbain), so people would just think I was a loser with a capital “L”

Still, I crave fame enough to try anything. Even if I said/tried any/all of these things, who would be dumb enough to believe them? Everyone would believe them. The American public would believe these statements, as would the European public, plus probably the whole world. Nonetheless, would I gain fame or infamy? Do I really want to be like that journalist, Jayson Blair, from the New York Times, who sold a book for six figures where he explained how he plagiarized his material? Is that the kind of fame or infamy I want to attain? The kind where I make a lot of money and probably could retire at an early age? Yes—sign me up!