Getting Old-er

Okay, so when I was 30 I wondered how I would know when I was getting old. I didn’t have a clue. Would all my hair and teeth fall out? When they didn’t, I figured I was staying young. But then at 40, I knew the answers. As a gift to my loyal readers, I’m going to disseminate them here. When these things happen to you, you will KNOW that you, too, are on the other side of the hill, that it’s all downhill (but isn’t going downhill supposed to be MUCH easier than going uphill?) from here, and that you’re on the other side of the rainbow (what this means, I’m NOT sure: My guess is that there’s NO hope of finding pot of gold anymore—that you’re happy just to have a pot to piss in). Anyhow, here are some of the signs.

You know you’re getting old when…

...you look forward to the weekend, not so you can do your own thing and have fun, and party and get drunk and vomit and have sex, but so you can recuperate from the week behind you at work and rest up for the week ahead.

...the only thing stiff in the morning is your aching back! Not your massive hard on from that night’s sexually arousing dreams/experiences.

...you’re medicine cabinet is full of more drugs for your health (high blood pressure, GERD, cholesterol, diabetes, Viagra) than fun stuff like condoms, lubes, recreational drugs and Cealis (for fun, not for need!).

...you have a hang over from the night before and you ONLY had two beers. Moreover, the pain of the hang over is worse than the pain of the sexual encounter you ALMOST had.

…you don’t actually remember the film at a movie theater; you remember the wonderful chairs where you took a two-hour nap. It wouldn’t be so bad if it had been a sappy romance, but you were watching an action packed thriller with Bruce Willis (whose also getting old), where the world blows up in the first two minutes. Plus, you WANTED to see the movie because Angelina Jolie was in it—but ALL you remember was the coming attractions, which featured Billy Bob Thornton.

...you have more hair in your hairbrush, than in your mouth (if you know what I mean!)

...you need to take fiber to keep you regular (and how do you know when you’re irregular? Does that change? Increase? Does that mean you’re MORE full of shit than before—or less?). Plus, you actually watch commercials about medicines, as opposed to flipping the channel to watch reruns of Sex in the City.

...you’re a man and your leakage issues are from urine, not something that happens during wet dreams.

...you wear glasses for function (to see/drive), as opposed to fashion. Function before fashion, for show as opposed to blow (well, if you’re getting old you probably don’t do blow ANYMORE).

...your idea of a good time is relaxing in front a television, surfing the web, or doing laundry, instead of trying to pick up tricks, or partying all night, or going 100 mph on a deserted country road.

...you would rather write about OTHER people’s lives (that are exciting, full of intrigue, money and sex) than actually have to go out and do ANYTHING so drama-filled.