Who Wants to Live Forever? I do! I DO!

A couple of recent songs come to mind when thinking about fame. In the song Fame, one of the lyrics is, “Fame, I want to live forever,” and in Queen’s song “Who wants to live forever” fame is definitely an underlying/hidden/almost non-existant question. One song touts fame: the other questions it. But I want to live forever. I do! I DO!

Now, if you have kids and they have kids and they have kids, you’ve just about assured yourself a measure of fame (at least in the history of YOUR family—in addition, if any of these relations become famous, your name will surely be mentioned). This is fame of sorts. But what if, like me, you never had kids and are NOT likely ever to have kids, because you’re a kid yourself?

The question is without kids, how do I attain any sort of fame? Do I have to have mega plastic surgery, sing a lot of hit songs, become black and molest children? Or do I have to become a famous football star then run from the law in a white Bronco going 30 miles per hour (HALF the speed limit) on an expressway? Or do I have to have an affair while I’m President and claim I NEVER had “sex” outside the bonds of marriage? Or do I have to become famous selling decorating ideas and then deal in some illegal stock trading? Or do I have to have an affair with a woman and then have her shoot my wife in the head? Maybe these things would work. But MOST of these people were famous before their infamy and consequent reintroduction to fame.

So, HOW do I become famous? Do I have to gain some infamy to gain some fame? Is that the ONLY way for an unknown person to gain fame? Think Joey Buttafuoco. Think Tanya Harding.

Okay, I’ve got it. To gain fame, because as we ALL know, “Any publicity is GOOD publicity” I’m going to have my nose put on the back of my head. I’m going to have skin grafts so my nose is black. This will make me beautiful—because as we all know—black is beautiful, and the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice.

Then I’m going to have an affair with an Olympic ice skater, who I will have beat up ANOTHER Olympic ice skater (why? because, well, why not?). Then I’m going to have an affair with Mrs. Laura Bush. She won’t be able to resist my BLACK nose (ALSO now there’s nothing to get in the way of my mouth!—and we KNOW how she loves men who talk out of both sides of their face). I’m going to get some insider information from her and buy some stocks and bonds (in Iraqi oil wells—we ALL know how much gas costs nowadays!—I’ll be rich!). I’m going to make sure President Bush finds out about the affair and the insider information (because if he doesn’t care about the sex, he will DEFINITELY care about HIS oil profits!) and shoots HER in the head.

When the law comes to get me (because we ALL know that the President will NOT be prosecuted for his crime and will deftly BLAME someone else—ME) I will run away in a STOLEN (as I do NOT own one) white Air Force One jet (who doesn’t want to ride away in a vehicle that costs $6,000/hour in fuel to fly?—plus, by then, with my ill gotten oil profits—I can afford the fuel) and go 300 mph (about HALF the speed limit of this plane) as I’m trying to escape. This will HIT all the news outlets—and YET—I will get away, NOT because of this jet’s superior technology, but because NO one wants to believe that Air Force One can NOT protect the President. Then, they will start a man hunt for me. But they will NEVER find me—because I will be in hiding with Usama Bin Laden!

That’s how I’m going to get noticed— how I’m going to turn infamy into fame—how I’m going to live forever. My name will surely go down in history!