Half-Full

While most pessimists may see a glass as half empty, I am the ultimate pessimist. I believe that the glass is truly empty, except for the bubbling spittle someone hopes I’ll mistakenly drink out of it. I also believe that when it rains (yes, it does pour) but I also believe that it’s actually God’s attempt to spit all over me. It his very own cruel cosmic joke. Okay, so I have issues with water. Therefore, it was no surprise that at my housewarming party, everything having to do with water went wrong.

First, the pride and joy of my bathrooms, the faucets had water stains. At least I believed the nickel plating was water-stained. When I rubbed and rubbed I found out the truth (I didn’t have a nickel to my name). The nickel was gone, replaced with a terrible grey cloud (the undercoating on the faucets). I couldn’t rub two nickels together since both bathrooms had the same issue. Okay, so they were functional, but not nearly as lustrous as when they were new.

I found this out not a couple hours before the party. It almost ruined my good time. However, I soon forgot all about it when I was in the final stages of take off (the dryer making a sound like a plane taking off—but this was not unusual) and I tried to use the dishwasher. I placed the nasty dirty dishes in, turned the knob, and viola. Nothing. Nothing was happening. I tried again and again and again (as if this would fix the problem). So an hour before the party—the dishwasher was on strike. A sympathetic strike: If the nickel-plated faucets could look terrible, the dishwasher could go on strike. Oh well, I still had to take my shower to get ready.

The shower worked fine. It was the people who arrived early that were the problem. The first one was invited and watched TV while awaiting my return. But when two additional guests arrived, I had to wait until they were almost out of view so I could dash semi-clad (stocking feet) into my bedroom to dress.

Later, after the party had started, one guest spotted my beautiful mountain/lake scene stained glass piece. What he spotted was three small cracks, where else but in the water.

Needless to say, the next time I have a housewarming party there will be no water involved. No water to clean. No water to drink. No water to bath in. No plumbing. No dishwasher. No faucets. No half-full spit glass. Just air and earth. My next domain is going to be a cave.