Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Life hasn’t taken me where I wanted it to. I was supposed to be so much further along with my goals. I’m depressed. What should I do about it?
Down & Out
Dear Down & Out:
Join the proverbial club. It’s called the human race! Not many of us actually get to where we want in life, excluding the mega stars. And they’re so unhappy with where life put them that they do mega drugs! You might also be suffering from SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Get outside more. Smell the flowers (even if it’s just in the flower shop!). This might help—but stop your bitching about life—not many of us are where we “expected” to be. If so, I’d be God.
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m on drugs for my GERD. I’m on drugs for my high blood pressure. I’m on drugs to quit smoking. I’m on drugs. Does this mean I’m a drug addict?
Doctors Made Me Do It.
Dear Doctors Made Me Do It:
What a load of crap! Doctors didn’t make you eat poorly, live an unhealthy lifestyle and start smoking. Life did! I say if you’re a drug addict, well then at least 50% of the world is. So what? If you’re not hurting anyone (and if you weren’t on drugs you’d likely have a coronary while driving and kill some innocent people), who cares? Drugs don’t kill people, it’s people who aren’t on drugs who kill people! (I’m taking my lead here from the NRA.)
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Why do you seem to know everything about everything? Yet you don’t say anything about anything?
Annoyed
Dear Annoyed:
Because I’m famous. Ask Oprah, she knows everything about everything also. Okay, so I could be a politician with all I have to say about nothing. So what? I get paid to tell people what to think—and they do as I say (see I’m ALMOST God—at least in my mind). Can you say the same? I think not! Get a life and leave mine alone.
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Work sucks. Life sucks. Everything sucks.
Needed to Get That off My Chest
Dear Needed to Get That Off My Chest:
Are you an idiot? There is no swearing in my column, unless I do it, you asshole. Sucking isn’t so bad. Ask any high-priced whore. It only gets bad when you have to swallow!
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
How do you always have an answer for everything? I mean, I can hardly make a decision about whether to eat a cinnamon roll or a doughnut.
Confused About Life
Dear Confused About Life:
Think of it this way. You’re stupid—I’m not! It’s easy to give people advice, it’s not as easy to follow it. I’ve got some great advice for you: Shove the chocolate doughnut in your mouth and the cinnamon roll up your ass. Life is NOT that hard! It’s worrying about the decisions that’s hard, not the actual decisions themselves.
Mr. Man-ners
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