Mr. Manners (37): Toilet Paper & Nazis, Depression & Orphans, Work & Garbage & Sex, Olympics

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
My husband ALWAYS puts the roll of toilet paper on backwards. What can I do about this? It’s soooo annoying!
TP Maven

Dear TP Maven:
You’re MORE of a TP Nazi. Who gave you the right to decide which way the TP goes? NOT ME! And I’m who counts. Do you want the paper under or over? Over or under? Or do you use one of those roll holders so it goes right or left? Let me tell you something—I don’t care! And you shouldn’t either. Unless you want to get into an argument with your hubby. At which point he will probably pull out a gun, and then you will have to beat him to death (it REALLY happened in Florida to two roommates recently). TP Rage!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m so depressed. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions?
Depressed

Dear Depressed: First off, I HATE answering REAL questions. I’m going to have to consider firing that stupid unpaid intern. Guess not, that would JUST depress YOU more! Any how, my suggestion is to stop wallowing in your own misery and start living in mine. I have an apartment where my sister just raised the rent (she doubled it, but didn’t do any work to it!). I am now officially an orphan (that’s what happens when BOTH your parents would rather be dead than deal with any more family issues). So just remember, even though I’m God—I’m imperfect too! But God was made in man’s image.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I have to deal with a bunch of idiots where I work. It’s not so much the people I work with; it’s the outside people I have to deal with. I’d love to fire the whole lot of them, but I’m just a peon. Any suggestions?
My Job Sucks

Dear My Job Sucks:
Garbage in, garbage out. Meaning these people are probably just giving you back what you gave them to begin with. Try educating the idiots, and if that doesn’t work, well try to shut your friggin’ mouth. Don’t you realize that whatever you put out into the world, you get back threefold. This means I’m going to get a LOT of sex!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners: Did you see all those ice skating duos that fell on the ice at the Olympics? And they’re the best in the world? What gives?
Olympic Watcher

Dear Olympic Watcher:
What gives, obviously their talent. Everybody has an off day, but how did so many of them have so many off days? Perhaps it’s a conspiracy? If you asked President Bush, I’m sure he’d say it had to do with some covert plot by Osama Bin Laden. Or perhaps that Sadam Hussein was using some kind of WMD (Weapons to Make ice skaters fall Down) to ruin the world’s viewing pleasure. If you ask me, I’d say it has more to do with Olympic sized fear and inadequate practice.
Mr. Man-ners