Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I want to runaway. Life just seems too hard. Maybe somewhere else, like California would be better. I live in the Midwest and I hate the snow. “It never rains in Southern California” and I’d assume it never snows either. What do you think?
Runaway Single
Dear Runaway Single:
I think you’ve got Julia Roberts (the Runaway Bride) on the brain. This is what is called the Grass is Always Greener syndrome. The problem is it’s full of shit! California is “place you want to be” but I wouldn’t “load up the truck and move to Beverly.” It’s expensive. Do you have money? Do you have a job there? Do you have a place to live? Let me just tell you, the streets are crowded with star-wannabes. Streetwalkers outnumber stars 100 to 1. You’d better think it out further you stupid imbecile. It sounds like a lose-lose situation to me! You can’t afford the streetwalkers and yet you’re probably too ugly to be one! People in CA are VERY vain, so unless you have the PERFECT body and s bank account to match, you’ll probably be very UNhappy. Of course, it you’re stupid enough to do it, perhaps you DESERVE to be unhappy.
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Sometimes I just want to attack people. I can’t stand it anymore. Someday I’m going to just hit someone.
Help
Dear Help:
How can I help? Point you at the right person? Okay, his initials are President GWB. Actually, you NEED real help. You’re S.H.I.T. (Stupid, Hostile, Incompetent, Twit). As I said to the previous writer, commit suicide so I NEVER have to hear from you again.
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Did you hear that Sean Hayes the voice of Chef on South Park quit because he felt that the religious satire was turning into bigotry?
Cartoon Viewer
Dear Cartoon Viewer:
Not much of a name dropper, are you? More of an idiot! It wasn’t Sean Hayes (who plays wacko gay Jacko on Will & Grace). It was Isaac Hayes, you freak! Yes, I heard he quit. It’s ALWAYS a big problem delineating humor from bigotry. To make YOU understand, think Beavis & Butthead. It was a satire—yet people LIKE you probably thought it was supposed to be REAL life (or the LIFE you wanted!)! But it wasn’t—just like South Park isn’t! Otherwise YOU would have a satellite dish coming out of YOUR ass—oh, you already do, and it plays cartoons all day and night (EDUCATIONAL television in your case). Cartoons are for kids, you silly rabbit.
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Some days just feel like Groundhog Day. You know what I mean. It’s like I wake up do the same things all day then come home go to bed and do the same things again the next day. I hate it. Any suggestions?
Bored
Dear Bored:
Hey, with a life like yours ANYONE would be bored. It’s NOT Groundhog Day….that ONLY happens once a year. Yours is more like BORING DOG Day. It’s called a rut you nincompoop! So change your days. Quit your job. Rape your pillow. Kill a dog. I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care. Just do something other than writing me.
Mr. Man-ners
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