Mr. Man-ners (41): Racism & Body Odor, Suicide & Living, Richard Millhouse Nixon & Anagrams, Going Postal

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I have a co-worker and he always smells foul. It’s like onions mixed with garlic mixed with dirty socks. I don’t know how to approach him about it. And then there are days when he wears so much cologne it just makes it worse. He’s foreign, so I don’t want to be insensitive.
Wants to Do the Right Thing

Dear Wants to Do the Right Thing:
Tell him he’s "not living in the jungle where water is in short supply." Okay, that wasn’t too sensitive—but it’s what I’d say! Another suggestion is to ask him "if he knows that turtles breathe out their asses" (true!)—and say he "must because he smells like a big smelly fudgy asshole!" Hey, if you wanted sensitive—you NEED to write to someone else!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m depressed and have thought about suicide. Life just feels too hard to live. Help! Sometimes I think my life is soooo screwed up that I should just end it so I can start over again (I believe in reincarnation).
Scared of Life

Dear Scared of Life:
More like “Scarred by Life.” I’m going to have to get me a new unpaid intern if I keep getting these depressing letters (Hell, it was so depressing I almost cut my writers with the envelope--and paper cuts hurt)! Anyhow, I’ve thought long and hard (sounds sexual doesn’t it—but if you were getting some, you wouldn’t be suicidal!) about your problem. The ONLY thing I can say is that life is NOT like a video game—if you’re losing you can’t just restart it—because UNLIKE a video game, even if you do start over, you won’t start over KNOWING what you know now. So get over it—and get yourself some help! And stop writing a wackjob humor columnist who's head if full of Freud’s theory on Mangina envy!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Did you know that Richard Millhouse Nixon’s name contains all the letters to create the word criminal?
Politician Watcher

Dear Politician Watcher:
It's called stalking! But, you’re right! And I don’t disagree that when you use an anagram, sometimes you come up with an apropos statement. Like when I mixed up the letters to your name. It contains all the letters to create the sentence; “Crapin Whale Tit Oil” (bet you didn’t know that!). If the crapin whale fits, or the tit oil fits, wear it! Hell, you letter stinks so much, your probably ALREADY did.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ass:
You’re so stupid your ass is the only manly part of you. You give dumb advice—and people listen to you. Well I won’t.
Hate Your Guts

Dear Hate Your Guts:
Interesting, very interesting. At least I have an ass--you're just full of shit! For someone who claims to NOT listen (how can you listen to a column, are you blind or deaf or just plain DUMB?) you certainly know a lot about my writing. And I KNOW better! Lame people with lame questions (or in your case, DUMB comments) ALWAYS read my column to see if their DUMBASS LAME QUESTIONS got answered. So I don’t believe you hate my guts—because I just made you famous! But if I ever see you I’ll spread your innards on the ground like they were road kill. Do you hear me Mr. Postal Service Worker (the letter arrived with NO stamp, how stupid do you think I am? NOT!).
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners (40): Pregnancy & Cows, Country Songs, Fat Feet & Big Wieners, Penis Appreication Day and Marketing Ploys

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m pregnant. A woman at work made some comment about me having gained weight. Something along the lines of being a cow and eating my cud. But she knew I was pregnant. I felt it was insulting but didn’t say anything. How can people be so rude when I’m pregnant?
Mother To Be

Dear Mother To Be:
If the udder fits, wear it! Sorry, but where else would I EVER use that line? People are insensitive because they’ve either gone through it, or haven’t. But isn’t that true of everything in life? If I were you I’d just play along. Say something like “I may be a cow with cud, but at least I’m not so ugly that the doctor slapped me when I gave birth!” If that doesn’t work—tell her she’s being “Udderly ridiculous, since you’re pregnant.” Sometimes laughter is TRULY the best medicine. You can’t win if you don’t play!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
My life is tragic. I lost my love. I lost my parents. I lost my license. I lost everything. Now what?
Life Sucks

Dear Life Sucks:
Now, you write a top-selling country song and you get even!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m a man with big feet. Okay, I’ll admit it; I’m a bit plump, corpulent, even overweight. But I hate it when people point it out. When I go to the shoe store they make mention of me having “Fat Feet” or suggest that I have “Huge Hoofers” or even say stuff like I need “Parachute Socks”. What can I say in response to get these stupid $2/hour plus commission shoe salesmen to shut the hell up?
Big All Over

Dear Big All Over:
If you can’t beat them with a pair of stillettos, then join them. That’s what I say. Tell them that’s why people call you Big (insert name) and see how these guys react. The likelihood is they will be VERY jealous, because you’re bigger and better than them--where it counts! Speaking of Wieners, the next question fits right in! (Tell the sales people you have a bigger Wiener to appreciate!) Still, it’s not healthy to be that size—lose some weight and as these salespeople start making comments—tell them that all that weight is going straight to your Weiner! Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I was listening to the radio in Chicago on Friday and I heard it was Penis Appreciation day. Did you hear this? Is it true?
A Man

Dear A Man:
Why do YOU want to know? Do you want to appreciate MY penis? Or do you want someone to APPRECIATE yours? Are you expecting lots of penis shaped greeting cards? I wouldn’t hold your breath (or ANYTHING else, for that matter)! Unless you’re Long Dong Silver, IT’S not likely to be inundated with cards and letters and phone calls (“Hello, may I speak to your penis please? Sorry, he’s got a hearing defect!”). It sounds like some wacky radio station’s idea of a way to get ratings—and it probably worked!
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners (39): Illinois Cigarette Taxes & Prejudice, IQs, 2006 Olympics, French Anagrams

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
You were right! The county of Cook in Illinois didn’t make as much money as they thought they would. Now they’re increasing cigarette taxes again!
A Smoker

Dear A Smoker:You’re a day late and a dollar short! So to speak! (Read my PREVIOUS letter from yesterday!). Yeah, I was right, but that goes with the territory (being God-like and all). Just remember the county TRULY doesn’t want smokers to quit, they just want them to spend more money. And my question is: How is it fair to tax one group of people to support the well-being of a population? It’s NOT! It’s called bigotry—prejudice—discrimination! Plus they want more money from these smokers, then they limit where they can light up. I was ALSO right about the issues with smokers in the downtown Chicago area—it appears smokers are NOW lighting up in alleys (sounds like there will be a lot more muggings!) because they have to be 15 feet away from the entrance to a building. And HOW do you smoke if you’re walking down the street? (do you walk down the median line?). I can hardly wait until someone is mugged while smoking (legally) ant here is a wrongful death suit against the municipality (then how much MORE will they charge smokers?).
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Your advice is dumb. Why do people read it?
IQ Over 200

Dear IQ Over 200:
Don’t you know what your OWN IQ is? How dumb is that? You give a bad name to retards everywhere! Don’t you know that people love to be hated. You obviously do. Wasn’t it obvious I wouldn’t be nice in my response? Or are you just plain stupid?
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Did you notice all the women who fell during the ice skating? What’s with that, are they all uncoordinated or something? How dumb.
Disappointed Viewer

Dear Disappointed Viewer:
Dumb—you should be so lucky! Actually the only way you’d get lucky with one of them was if they were blind! What's with that? Did you notice that every time someone fell and the pressure was off, they started to loosen up and perform perfectly? Too bad your wife says that NEVER happens with you! It’s all about pressure—if you were competing against some of the top ice skaters in the world—you’d freak out too—unless of course you were Tanya Harding, then you’d just have your boyfriend dosome bodily harm to one of them (how stupid was that with ALL the security they have at Olympic games—REALLY stupid!). Anyhow, leave the women alone—they did their best—though I’ll admit it wasn’t that great.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Hello? Is anyone home? Hello? You always take credit for things you didn’t do or say. You must be really stupid if you can’t think up/do something original.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:
Did you know that if you mix up the letters in your name (called an anagram—you dumbass!) that it spells out: Annoy Mous (which is CLOSE-ENOUGH to French for “Annoy me”!). And you should NEVER annoy me, you pompous ass.
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners (38): Big Brother and Surveillance Cameras, Going Crazy and Tree-Huggers

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Big brother is watching! I hear that Arizona added cameras on the freeways to catch speeders. And I hear they’re adding them on Fullerton Avenue in Chicago. Supposedly Chicago made 90 million (that’s what I heard, can’t be sure if it’s right) on their red-light cams. Plus in Chicago they just raised taxes over a dollar a pack on cigarettes (supposedly to discourage smokers). What is it with the government? How come they want to have so much say in our comings and goings (and smoking)?
A Concerned Citizen

Dear A Concerned Citizen:
I doubt it’s all about our comings and goings! It’s more likely all about our money. KaChing! KaChing! I agree it’s not right to put all these surveillance cameras into place (where will we ever feel private and alone again?). But it makes them boat loads of money. So does the cigarette tax. And how else will these politicians be able to pay their self-imposed pay raises? It happened with the debit cards. Remember, they said they would save banks money (less tellers) then when everyone was hooked (LIKE cigarettes!) they said “Oh we have to charge to recoup the cost” (Haven’t they recouped the R&D costs yet?). Now it can cost upwards of $5 or $6 just to get at your own money! It happened with the toll way in Chicago (remember that toll roads were supposed to only be there for a LIMITED time and then end—JUST like income taxes!). Now they’ve found a way to charge twice as much if you don’t use one of their “Responders”. How fair is that to out of state people? Plus, NOW they can ticket you for speeding or NOT paying with the responder if you should ACCIDENTLY get in that lane. NONE of this is to HELP/PROTECT/LEVEL THE COST. It’s all about MAKING LOTS OF MONEY! What I TRULY want to know is with ALL these new cameras going into place all over the country (MY SUGGESTION IS TO BUY THESE STOCKS NOW!)….will they actually give us the statistics about how many people get injured/killed because people are slowing down/slamming on breaks so they don’t get a ticket? I doubt it. But I’m just waiting the day when someone sues the municipalities because of a wrongful death suit! Then let’s see how much money they have to pay out of these boatloads of money!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m so scared. My mother freaked out when I was a kid. Now, she didn’t know I knew it. But I saw her go running outside and hug a tree! My father had to go out and coax her back inside. I was surprised to find her home when I awoke. I was certain the men in white suits came during the night and took her away. As an adult, I’m so scared this will happen to me. Any advice?
Scared Little Boy

Dear Scared Little Boy:
More like Scarred Little Boy! Sounds like your mother had some problems. Sorry about that. But get a clue, that doesn’t mean you’ll turn out the same. Do you want my advice? My real advice? If it hasn’t happened yet, it probably won’t! But to be safe, I would NEVER buy a house with a tree. On the other hand, perhaps your mother was just a tree-hugger!
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Manners (37): Toilet Paper & Nazis, Depression & Orphans, Work & Garbage & Sex, Olympics

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
My husband ALWAYS puts the roll of toilet paper on backwards. What can I do about this? It’s soooo annoying!
TP Maven

Dear TP Maven:
You’re MORE of a TP Nazi. Who gave you the right to decide which way the TP goes? NOT ME! And I’m who counts. Do you want the paper under or over? Over or under? Or do you use one of those roll holders so it goes right or left? Let me tell you something—I don’t care! And you shouldn’t either. Unless you want to get into an argument with your hubby. At which point he will probably pull out a gun, and then you will have to beat him to death (it REALLY happened in Florida to two roommates recently). TP Rage!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m so depressed. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions?
Depressed

Dear Depressed: First off, I HATE answering REAL questions. I’m going to have to consider firing that stupid unpaid intern. Guess not, that would JUST depress YOU more! Any how, my suggestion is to stop wallowing in your own misery and start living in mine. I have an apartment where my sister just raised the rent (she doubled it, but didn’t do any work to it!). I am now officially an orphan (that’s what happens when BOTH your parents would rather be dead than deal with any more family issues). So just remember, even though I’m God—I’m imperfect too! But God was made in man’s image.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I have to deal with a bunch of idiots where I work. It’s not so much the people I work with; it’s the outside people I have to deal with. I’d love to fire the whole lot of them, but I’m just a peon. Any suggestions?
My Job Sucks

Dear My Job Sucks:
Garbage in, garbage out. Meaning these people are probably just giving you back what you gave them to begin with. Try educating the idiots, and if that doesn’t work, well try to shut your friggin’ mouth. Don’t you realize that whatever you put out into the world, you get back threefold. This means I’m going to get a LOT of sex!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners: Did you see all those ice skating duos that fell on the ice at the Olympics? And they’re the best in the world? What gives?
Olympic Watcher

Dear Olympic Watcher:
What gives, obviously their talent. Everybody has an off day, but how did so many of them have so many off days? Perhaps it’s a conspiracy? If you asked President Bush, I’m sure he’d say it had to do with some covert plot by Osama Bin Laden. Or perhaps that Sadam Hussein was using some kind of WMD (Weapons to Make ice skaters fall Down) to ruin the world’s viewing pleasure. If you ask me, I’d say it has more to do with Olympic sized fear and inadequate practice.
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners (36): Bitches, Sleep, Advice, Farts, Mispellings, Making Money Writing, Poop, Mumbling Problems

Dear Mr. Man-ners: I’m having one of those days. All I want to do is bitch and complain. What do you suggest?Long Day

Dear Long Day: I suggest you tell someone who cares—I don’t!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Why is it that you think people don’t actually hear what other people say, but assume they understand the question? Do you think most people are so wrapped up in their own issues that they just stop listening?Questioning Questions

Dear Questioning Questions:
What? I wasn’t listening. Okay, I fell asleep reading your long question. I’ll admit it. Perhaps people stop listening when what is being said is plain lame! Or too long! Or interrupting their TV time. I don’t know. And you know what? I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man Fart:
You stink. All your advice stinks. And I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care.
NOT A Big Fan

Dear NOT A Big Fan:
Well said. But if you reaaaaally didn’t care, you wouldn’t have spent the time and energy to tell me so. You are just a big loser who wants his letter in my column—so you do care, you do care, you do care. But I think I misspelled your name, it’s REALLY A Big SNOT Fan. Because you’re full of phlegm.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Do you really make any money with this stupid column? I mean you don’t seem to have many letters—and from what I can read—well, they’re all from idiots like yourself.
Inquiring

Dear Inquiring:
If I told you how much I made from this column you’d shit your pants! Oh, that’s right, you already did. That’s what stinks in here. It takes a piece of shit to call me an idiot—and you’re one big poop. Remember what your mother told you, if you can’t say something nice about someone, well then you’re human. But if you can’t say something nice to Mr. Man-ners, then go directly to Hell!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I have this problem. You see, well, I don’t know if this is the right forum, but well, I don’t know who else to turn to, and you seem like you might know a lot about the world, and I figured, well, what the hell, I’d give you a chance. It’s better than a swift kick in the rump, even though to be perfectly honest, well, I kind of like that kind of thing, if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? Well, my problem is, that well, I can’t…(REDUCED DUE TO LENGTH OF MUMBLING)
HELP!

Dear HELP!
I know you have problems. First you’re stupid. Who do you think I am? Your mother? Your lover? Your therapist? You sent me a 5 page letter, just like the mumbling above. Did you REALLY think I would read it to the end? Are you that foolish? That lonely? That bad an English grammar (LEARN what a run on sentence is, and STOP using them, for God’s sake! Then get yourself into therapy. You’re way too fearful of rejection to live in this world we call a world. Until that time, NEVER WRITE ME AGAIN! Damn, what is it a full moon or something?Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners (35): Stupidity & Writing, Numerology, Number 13, Olympics & Figure Skating & Luging, Sarcasm & Potty Mouths, Mammoires & Mrs. Manners,

Dr. Mr. Man-ners,
Where the hell did you learn to count? You posted your 32nd column and then you posted your 34th column……HELLLLLOOOOOO!!!! What happened to the 33rd column?
Sincerely,
A Really Good Counter

Dear A Really Good Counter:
Didn’t you know that 33 is an EVIL number, just like 13? At least that’s what BLOGGER my blog/column host thinks! It rejected my blog and saved it as a draft! How dumb am I? I posted them all. So, how dumb are you? My question to you is: How many bullets does it take to kill a really good counter? Or even produce the tears of a clown? ONE! Just remember that while your clowns may be at the circus, the circus isn’t in town. Meaning your elevator doesn’t go to the top floor, it stops on ONE! It’s NOT nice to fuck with Mother Nature—or with Mr. Man-ners!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I hear that women’s favorite Olympic sport is figure skating and men’s is luging. I wonder why?
Olympics Fan

Dear Olympics Fan:
Doesn’t make ANY sense to me. I understand women like the romance of two people dancing arm and arm (that’s why they like BALLroom dancing, emphasis on the ball—and since figure skating is similar, that makes sense). I also know one other thing—while women may like BALLroom dancing, they certainly don’t like balling! However, many of them LOVE man bashing. Perhaps that’s why men like to watch as other men, crammed on top of each other slide down windy hills in the men’s double luge. They’re used to fitting into tiny spaces (anything to get away from women!). Plus it’s got some pornographic connotations, if you can believe it. And all men like porn (it doesn’t really matter what kind if you can believe BALLbashing women)—and it’s similar to the icy reception men get from women when they want to ball—and isn’t the luge tunnel like the birth canal—and Freud would have a field day with this. Even if it is ALL bullshit, because I made it all up! But I had you ALL going there. Just so you know this is how I feel about the Olympics: I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I have a coworker who’s just plain sarcastic all the time. How do I tell him to shut the f*ck up?
Wanna Know

Dear Wanna Know:
With your potty mouth—and stupidity—I’m surprised he hasn’t taken you out! I am the ONLY one who can swear in my damned column, don’t you know that you mofo? How stupid are you? Did you mother drop you on your head, from a balcony? Sarcasm isn’t a bad thing—it’s stupid people who don’t like sarcasm who are bad things!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Thanks for the mammories.
A Friend

Dear A Friend:
You’re no friend of mine. You must have me mistaken with Mrs. Manners. No relation.
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners (33): Coworkers & Bras, Rude & Crude & Commonsense & God, Political Sites & Big Brother, Britney Spears & Stalking & Straight Jackets

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I have a coworker who keeps adjusting himself. What can I do short of rearranging my bra straps to give him a clue that this is distracting to the points he’s making?
Can’t Stop From Looking

Dear Can’t Stop From Looking:
NOTHING! I was HOPING you’d say “herself.” Have you tried the bra strap trick? If not, invite me over so I can show you how to do it right. If so, he probably thinks you’re coming onto him? If he does the brief rearranging perhaps he’s coming onto you. Unless he does it around everyone. Have you ever considered he might be an ex-baseball player? (clue: if he spits also, you’re onto something!). My suggestion is to mention how your thong is VERY binding—and take it from there. I just hope he’s VERY attractive to you—and he to you—otherwise he might lodge a sexual harassment complaint. Who knows, maybe he has to move around all the critters in his pants—you know the ants!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
You are the rudest and crudest advice columnist ever.
Wanted to Get That Off My Chest

Dear Wanted to Get That Off My Chest:
Well…that’s probably the ONLY thing you have one your chest…no breasts…no hair…no hairy breasts! I may be rude and crude, but people like me. My columns are not meant to be mean, just funny and commonsensical (and THAT is a word—as spell check corrected it for me!). So get off your small breasts…grow some hair….and give it a rest. You read me. Other people read me. The WORLD reads me. I am a God!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I hear that the government is trying to have all political sites register. What do you think of that?
Internet Watcher D

ear Internet Watcher:
I hear the same thing. Big brother is watching! Of course, I never get political—just personal! What ever happened to freedom of speech? What ever happened to letting the people speak their mind? What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty? I know—Bush happened! He’s the purveyor of right and wrong—the president that wants to change the constitution—the man who can’t be bothered on 9/11 because he’s speaking to a class of children—a man who can’t be bothered on vacation because New Orleans is under water—the man who MANY people feel should be impeached.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Did you hear that Britney Spears was caught with her child on her lap? Isn’t she a bad mother?
Celebrity Watcher

Dear Celebrity Watcher:
Stop watching—it’s called stalking! At least Britney didn’t hang her child over a railing—hoping they would fall so she could collect the massive “early death” benefit on the life insurance policy! Who knows what she was thinking? Who cares? She should have had the baby strapped in the child seat in back—like normal people—but then again, maybe Britney just needs to be strapped into a straight jacket!
Mr. Man-ners

What's Happening?

What is happening wtih Blogger...every other day, hour, minute...they don't publish but suggest I publish in 10 minutes (MORE like 10 hours). OR it saves my pieces as drafts...so I don't know they are NOT published!

Mr. Man-ners (34): Overweight, Cheryl Tiegs, Scams, Identity Theft, Insanity

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m a middle-aged man who is somewhat overweight, with hair that is translucent (going transparent). On top of this I am gay. So, tell me why a beautiful pharmacist (who looked like Cheryl Tiegs in her heyday) would ignore the Pakistan customer in front of me while dealing with his drugs, but then suddenly tell me all the ins and outs of my medications…in a flirtatious way?
Confused

Dear Confused:
SHE WAS DOING HER JOB YOU DUMBASS! Okay. I’ve got several questions. Were you flirting back? Did you NOT pose a sexual threat? Was she white and you white? Maybe she was a bigot. Maybe she’s got a thing for overweight men. Maybe you big fat ass, you reminded her of her father! I don’t know. I don’t care. And I’m damned sure no one else does besides you. If you’re that desperate for attention that you think some blonde bombshell would hit on you while refilling your prescription—you should buy love from some local on the street corner. You need help!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Okay, now I’ve heard everything. My mother told me about this new scam. NO she is NOT a scam artist. I know how you think and it’s just not so. She heard it somewhere. I don’t know where. Get off it! Anyhow, it’s a new scam. I guess you eat at a restaurant (or buy something where they take away your credit card), but when they return the credit card, what you get is some OLD expired one that’s NOT yours. Of course, like most people you don’t look at it. Instead you put it into your wallet and forget about it. Then when you see the $15,000 bill (this supposedly did happen, per Mom) you are STUCK with a HUGE portion (this guy was liable for $9,000. What do you think about that?
Momma’s Daughter

Dear Momma’s Daughter:
You’re a Momma’s girl! That’s worse than being a Daddy’s girl because, well, it’s just worse. Anyhow, what do I think? I think I need to open a restaurant pronto! I’d think that it’d be easy to figure out who stole the credit card and to prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law (in this case, I think I’d HANG them, since I’m SO over identity/credit card theft/fraud).
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man Yours:
You have soooo many weird readers. But after reading your column just once I understand why.
Incognito

Dear Incontinent (If the shit fits, wear it!):
I know, and I count you amongst my readers. What are you a lard brain? You read it once, because it took you 15 years to read ALL those big words and figure out their definitions.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Help me. I need help. Professional help. I have this fear I’m going to do something really awful. What can I do?
Loosing It

Dear Loosing It:
What are you loosing? Your virginity? Your mind? Your sanity? If it’s your sanity, get some help (and make sure to go on TV and tell everyone, like all of Dr. Phil’s guests!). If it’s just life is troubling you—get over it! We all have those days. Just remember my credo and repeat it like a mantra: I don’t care! I don’t care! I don’t care! And pretty soon you’ll be able to deal with life just like I do. How, you ask? It’s none of your business. If you fail at this, remember: I don’t care! I don’t care! I don’t care!
Mr. Man-ners

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Mr. Man-ners (32): American Idol & Cher & Ryan Seacrest, New Speicies in Indonesia, Gary Coleman's Birthday

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I heard some of the American Idol auditions. They were hilarious. One woman sang M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E. She was terrible. What do you make of that?
AI Fan

Dear AI Fan:
I’m NOT a fan. I feel like Ryan has made straight men with their bitch on something to be proud of. What’s with that? PLUS he’s just plain mean! But I did catch some of the auditions—the one I liked the most was when that guy sang Cher’s Believe…a great song…and sounded like he was trying to sound exactly like her (not with his own voice, but imitating her guttural deep throated sound). Then two of the judges said “What was that? It was weird,” and the contestant said, “It’s just something I can do,” (well, you can pee too, but I wouldn’t suggest doing it in front of an audience!). Then Ryan suggested (I agreed with him for a change!) the contestant become a female impersonator. I laughed until I peed myself (but I didn’t do it for ANY judges!). It was one of the weirdest auditions I’ve ever heard!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
You have an issue with Ryan Seacrest don’t you. You NEVER say anything nice about him—and American Idol is one of the best shows on the air.
AI Fan

Dear AI Fan:
Read the letter before yours, you twerp! I do have issues with Ryan. Usually he’s just plain mean to people. He’s not humorous (sarcastic, rude & crude)—he’s just mean! He blows up people’s dreams of stardom like they were a balloon and he were a lit cigarette. And he gets joy out of it. But sometimes, once is a great while, I agree with him. He even did something I respect—he heard a singer who had quit her job for the audition—thought she was terrible, called her boss, and got her sales job back for her. If ONLY he’d do that more often—he’d show people he is human—not s smart-alecky mean SOB!

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Did you hear they found some new/extinct species in an isolated jungle in Indonesia? Do you think they will find anything prehistoric?
Jurassic Park Fan

Dear Jurassic Park Fan:
Yeah I heard! So what? They didn’t find any honest politicians—now that would be a find! If they bring any of these “new” species back that could lead to the end of the world as we know it—think the lady bug that was not a lady but just bugs and stings people—and the killer bee—that be a killer. Discoveries are great—but they can lead to unknown ramifications (emphasis on the ram part!).
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Did you know that yesterday was Gary Coleman‘s birthday?
His Biggest Fan

Dear His Biggest Fan:
Well if you’re big—give him some of your height—he needs it! He’s such a has-been. Get a life and move on—Michael Jackson is available—he’s black, he’s weird and he’s at least current.
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners (31): Gay, Decorating, Faking It, Work, Going Postal, Steelers, Gladiator

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m an oddity. I’m a gay man who has the decorating gene—but I don’t have the cleaning gene. I can whip up a room in under five minutes—but I can’t bake a cake with a Betty Crocker cake mix. I’m not a fem, but I’m not a butch. I’m….confused. I’m the most ungay guy I know. How can I be more gay…or more straight? I feel trapped in a world where I can’t identify with either segment.
Please No Negativity

Dear Please No Negativity:
Oh come on—you know I can’t help myself! It’s who I am—just like being an ungay gay man is who you are! To answer your question requires negativity—but not perhaps the kind you’re thinking of. I’d say you’re fucking human! Where do you get off deciding what is gay…and what is straight? For that matter, who ever said gay guys had ALL the decorating genes or chef genes? Look at Chef on SouthPark—he’s the most ungay, straight black-balled cook I’ve ever seen. Sounds like you’re suffering from homophobia—internalized. I’d suggest you get a shot to clear it up—but I doubt it would work. Get over yourself girlfriend—you’re normal. I’m normal. We’re ALL normal!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Life is not what you make it—it’s how you fake it. Ask any woman.
Depressed

Dear Depressed:
If that’s how you look at life—you’re need some meds! And if every woman you’ve been with fakes it—you need a penis enlargement. Get off your low horse, life isn’t that bad—it could be worse—you could be the living dead (think Michael Jackson!).
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Work is driving me crazy. They don’t pay me enough. They don’t treat me right. They don’t give me enough time off. They expect from me. What should I do?
Too Busy Employee

Dear Too Busy Employee:
You have several options. Quit. Get fired. Or go postal! The greatest part about going postal is you can claim “impaired mental ability” when they bring you to court for all your heinous acts. PLUS you will surely get room and board for a good portion of your life. But if you’re NORMAL (not! You’re a whiner with a capital “weenie)….you need to just find a new job and get off your high horse—life isn’t a bed of roses, it’s full of thorns! Go take that thorn out of your ass—and move on. I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
So…how about those Steelers? What a game. What a Super Bowl!
A Fan

Dear A Fan:
Don’t know…didn’t watch it. If I’m not betting on the game…I have no interest. It’s kind of like an old gladiator game…one team pummels another. What’s the interest? What’s the fascination? What’s the deal with that? Are all men primal beasts at heart? Do they enjoy watching other men get beaten up and broken? I guess it's fun to watch when someone else gets sacked!
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners (30): Pizza, The Devil, Stuttering, Prime Time, Sex Predators, DateLine, TV, Death, Sadam Hussein, President Bush

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
If pizza is so bad for you, why does it taste so damned good?
Pizza Eater

Dear Pizza Eater:
Because EVERYTHING that tastes good is bad for you--think bodily fluids! At least some! And then again not others! YUCK! Think of it this way, the devil put temptation in the world--then he took all the fun out of surrendering to it.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Why do you spell your name like that…is it a sst stttutttter?
You’re a Fool

Dear You’re a Fool:
No yorrr annnn assssssshollllle. It’s NOT a stutter (don’t you know how to spell it dumbass?)….it’s a preference….just like you prefer to have sex with animal of the bovine kind!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I was watching Prime Time or some such news journal type show and they were doing their third segment on sexual predators. It was weird. They caught like 50 men going o have sex with children under 14. They posed an imposter to pretend to be a child and then they lured them to this imposter’s house with the hopes of sex. Some of these guys were idiots and ugly and weirdoes, but some were attractive and teachers and singers/actors. I don’t think it was fair to do this to these guys—what do you think?
TV Watcher


Dear TV Watcher:
FIRST OFF…it was DateLine…you didn’t even get that part right! Just like you got the rest of it wrong!!! Wrong! Wrong! What are you an advocate for perverted pedophiles? Or are you a perve yourself? I saw the segment and while some of them looked like upstanding guys—they were NOT! Okay, so I admit, as a kid…I was curious about sex too—but these guys brought beer and condoms and sex gels and Viagra (I mean what’s that all about, if it turned them on enough to risk imprisonment you’d think they could get at least get a boner!). And some of these guys were violent criminals. I say if you do the crime—you pay the time! I say—check out the males you’re planning on meeting on PervertedJustice.com to find out if they’re perverted pedophiles. I say—I’ve got a golden opportunity to make money off these guys—set up a site for old guys to meet young LOOKING (say teen looking) people who are actually consenting adults—then blackmail the hell out of them! Charge then an arm and a leg—this way they wouldn’t ever CONSIDER doing this again. Get over it; these guys were Losers with a capital “L”!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Why is it that good people have to die, while bad people (President George W. Bush, Sadam Hussein, etc.) get to live?
Befuddled

Dear Befuddled:
Stop thinking so much! Good people and bad people die—it’s just that bad people tend to have lots of embalming fluid (commonly known as stubbornness) in their blood. Some day we will all die. Don’t you get that? Aren’t you afraid? Be very afraid—because I know you’re address—and I’m tired of all these dumbass, jerk-me-off—badly questions. Get over it—live your life to the fullest—and stop thinking so much (you’re NOT very good at it anyway!).
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners (29): Teflon & Cancer, Rental Cars & Sunglasses

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Is it true that Teflon may cause cancer? What should I do, every piece of cookware I own has it?
Fearful of My Own Fettuccine

Dear Fearful of My Own Fettuccine:
I’m fearful of it too! But then again I have high cholesterol! I’ve used Teflon for years and it hasn’t harmed me--not in any cancerous way--though sometimes I do have to break something over my hear to keep the voices from making me do awful things! While I’ve heard the cancer threat for several years, DuPont always downplayed the risks. NOW I hear word that they along with other manufacturer’s are planning to remove some CancerCausing chemical, PFOA by 2015. So, it can be said that there is some risk--in LIVING in the USA. IF they know it causes, or might increase your risk of cancer, why wait 9 years to remove it or restrict it’s use! Obviously, because they have a big lobby in Washington! And Washington doesn’t care if citizens get cancer--as long as they get their funding! Oh those voices are coming back--who can I take out in Washington?
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Get this, I left some prescription sunglasses in a rental car. A rental car I had to use because my car was being repaired at the body shop, since someone hit me. Anyhow, dumbass me (I figured I’d say it before you did!) I forgot them in there. Even after they asked if I’d gotten ever personal item out, I said yes. So, to make a long story short, I couldn’t find them. About 3 days later rental place called to say they had them. Now I don’t want to mention their name since I don’t want any trouble (but it was ….). For one reason or another (stupid, idiocy I know) I didn’t get back to the rental place that weekend. But I did call and they did tell me where I had to pick them up. A week went by and I needed them. I went to pick them up--and get this--they were not there. They ever claimed they might still be in the car--I informed them they told me they had them (but stupid me I had already erased their message). Someone stole them at the rental place. What can I do now?
Blinded by the Light

Dear Blinded by the Light:
Okay you’ve got it right. You're blind. Also a dumbass. Stupid. And an idiot. And I would add LAZZZZY. You’re probably out the sunny’s. They have a policy that states they are NOT responsible---that’s why the rental place is sooooo Enterprising. But you’d think that after they claimed they had them, they wouldn’t just walk away by themselves--I’d say whoever you spoke with liked thedamned things--and who knows, maybe if you make a federal case out of it (like threatening to use WMDs to make a stink!) you MIGHT get them back--but I wouldn’t hold my breath. GET some new damned sunglasses--and this time chain them to your chastity belt. Lesson learned. Even good guys can turn out to be schmucks!
Mr. Man-ners

Mr. Man-ners (28): President Bush, Approval Rating, Cindy Sheehan, State of Union Address, Fahrenheit 911, Iraq, WMDs, God, Purpose Seeking

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I heard that the President’s approval rating went down from 46% last year to either 42% or 39% this year. Which is it?
A Voter

Dear A Voter:
I don’t know! Think of it, within 3 more years (his term) he will be down to 18%. Satan has a better approval rating! With an error of 3 percentage points over 3 years, he could have an approval rating of 9% OR less. To think President George W. Bush may actually go down in history for doing something no other president every has--he may well be the only president who ends his term with a negative approval rating!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Is it true that Cindy Sheehan was to speak at the State of the Union and that she was arrested?
War What is It Good for?

Dear War What is It Good for?
Absolutely nothing! Say it again. Yes she was! Bush knew she was a better public speaker and he couldn’t stand the competition--at least that’s what I believe!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
How could President Bush speak about reducing our use of crude oil in cars when he made his money in oil?
Not a Bush Fan

Dear Not a Bush Fan:
He’s a hypocrite! He’s a republican who was so bad at running his own company--he bankrupted it--but HE still made money--that’s what I saw in Fahrenheit 911! America’s the only country where a colon, a bush and a dick RUN the country! (Okay, it’s an old joke, but it’s true!) And we all know that while it’s fun to whack the bush, it’s not fun when the bush whacks back! STOP bush from whacking back! Impeach him! If he authorized all those wire taps--IMPEACH BUSH!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
So….you were WRONG! Ha, ha. Bush talked Iraq. What do you say about that?
Nit Picker

Dear Nit Picker:
Pick something else—like your nose or your ass! I guess I’m guilty of ass-umptions! Bush being the ass. I hear that the reason he actually spoke about Iraq was because his approval ratings actually go up when he speaks about what’s going on over there (though of course, he puts his own Bushian spin on it). He didn’t want to speak about Iraq—I’m sure. But with all the videos Al-Qaeda released, he probably felt it necessary. However, I never heard him say his intelligence (a misnomer) was incorrect about Pakistan. Remember, it took him years and years to admit that there "might" not be weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) in Iraq. He talks out his ass. Let’s WMD his ass!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
What is the most important thing in life?
Purpose Seeker

Dear Purpose Seeker:
If you read the Purpose Driven Life—it’s God. If you read Bush’s State of the Union Address—it’s political freedom (and Bush’s retaliatory revenge plot). If you read the Bible—it’s Heaven. If you read romance novels—it’s romance. If you read magazine advertisements—it’s the product being touted. If you read my column—it’s ME!
Mr. Man-ners