How's the Weather?

There are some professions where you get paid to be wrong all the time. Take the presidency for instance. But today, I'm talking about the weather. Weather people (Meteorologists they are called—but I bet NONE of them has ever seen a REAL meteor!) are consistently wrong. They get all this training and get paid the big bucks—and yet they are CONSISTENTLY wrong. Perhaps if they LIVED on meteors they would get it right!

Let's take today for instance: all the weather people said there was a chance of rain, later in the day. But as I was hearing this on the radio, it began to rain. Rain, I thought, hmmm, already?—guess they're not LOOKING out the window.

Then I got this brilliant idea, why not see if I could be a weather person. Okay, so I don't have a deep bass voice, but I could work on that. And I don't have the right education (but that doesn't seem to help anyway—and I don’t LIKE meteors!). And I don't know how to point at a blank screen (that TV viewers see as a map) and say "Arizona will be dry today." But, hey, I could learn that also.

Of course, what about all those things you see on TV. Like the radar. Well, I wouldn’t have to use that. I’ve figured out a way so I don't have to learn how to interpret those radars. First, I will figure out what season it is by the calendar. Hmm, June 21 through September 21—it’s summer. Then I will randomly pick from my handy-dandy flashcards. Sunny, Cloudy, Rainy, Chance of Rain, Clear, Hot, Cool. In the winter, of course, I will need new flashcards: Chance of Snow, Blizzard Conditions, Freeze Warning, Freezing Rain.

Also, I will pick a range for the temperature. Today (summer still) it will be between 70 and 100 degrees. I can make flashcard for these too. Say every five degrees. I can make lower temperature flashcards for winter, no problem.

Okay, so every day for the next month, I will pick one of each of these flashcards. I figure, I should probably get it right just as often as the HIGHLYTRAINEDHIGHLYPAID weather people do. I might even get it right more often. I just can't tell ANYONE how I'm doing it.

Still, I think I can pull it off. Now, I think I’m ready to be a weather person.

Here is my forecast for today (FIRST, of course, I will look out the window):
“For Chicago it will be clear and warm. We saw some thunderstorms earlier, but they seem to have cleared up” (this I know because I saw it raining and the clouds are gone!). “Some areas, like the Carolinas, might experience some rain and even hurricanes” (this I know because it USUALLY rains during hurricanes and it is hurricane season down in this area). There’s a chance of the temperature dipping higher or lower than it’s current 92 degrees” (it only took a moment to look at the thermometer) in Chicago,“ (Well, duh!) “plus there's a chance of rain in the forecast” (the likelihood is that if it rained earlier, it might rain later, plus the HIGHLYTRAINEDHIGHLYPAID weather people said this earlier—so I add it JUST to be on the safe side!). Be sure to bring your umbrellas, just in case” (you ALWAYS tell people the obvious—it’s in the credo to be a weather person).

Can I collect my huge paycheck now?