Picking a Porn Name

I’ve been thinking up porn names for practical reasons (NO, I’m NOT a porn star, director, producer, distributor, or videographer!). The practical reasons are for anonymity. Plus, it’s fun! Although, I guess it would be more fun if I WERE a porn star.

But I’m not. I’m not a wealthy porn star or even JUST a fulfilled one. I’m just a guy who doesn’t want EVERYONE to know my name or whereabouts (those big black bill collectors for CABLETVMAKESYOUPAYFORCRAP are scary! Plus, with all my outstanding child support liens I HAD to create a new name and social security number (666-66-666) or the paycheck I’d be earning would go straight to all those bitches and bastards! Anyhow, like I was saying, I didn’t want anyone to know my REAL name, so I came up with a porn name (hey, if I can’t live the part, at least I can pretend I’m living the part—or is that acting—and do porn stars act, or is it just the Viagra?).

That’s beside the point. I needed a new name. So when I heard how to create one, I figured I had to do it. What you do is take your first pet’s name for your first name and the first street name you lived on for your last name. I wasn’t impressed with that—it came out Pretty Dog Creely. In addition, I figured I’d need MORE than one name to throw off the detectives my exes hired, so I created a list where I could PICK & CHOOSE a new name for when the law or an ex got a little too close!

Here are some of the ones I came up with.

Lizard Grace
This sounded more like something a group of lizards did after NOT being run over by an 18-wheeler, they said, “Grace be to the Lizard God!”

Mac Arthur
Well, there’s a MacArthur Park. As long as that 70’s tune isn’t playing on the radio, it MAY be usable at SOME point.

Wolf Forest Preserve
This sounded a bit too much like a refuge for wolves—or male wolves—somehow, I thought this one MIGHT get me into trouble with the preservationists! or my exes.

Pretty Dog Forest Preserve
Okay, I’m TRULY not trying to be stereotypical, but this just sounded like a place…well… where bitches hang out—and I’ve got enough bitches in my life!

Eunice Kennicott
A bit too female—too much like that whiny character on Soap!

strong>Blackie Bell
Sounds almost like a clown’s REAL name—does anyone remember Bozo? His REAL name was Bob Bell! “Heeeey, that’s me!”

Happy Bell (Bob Bell after he got laid? Or just a bell that’s NOT cracked like the Liberty Bell?). Happy Pratt, Happy Grace (is this how a priest felt after receiving God’s grace?)—NONE of these would work. And Happy Forest Preserve (was this a forest preserve with a happy hour? I’d been to MANY of these!) Happy Hour (okay, so I NEVER lived on a street named Hour, though I did live on THE street for months, but EVERYTHING with Happy at the beginning [other than Happy Hour] just sounded a bit odd!

Dean Arthur, Dean Creely, Dean Highland, Dean Grace, Dean Pratt, Dean Buckingham. None of these worked—they all sounded a bit too academic!

Dean Martin
True, I never lived on a Martin Street—but hey, the name was quite profitable for one man!


My favorites were:

Pretty Dog Pratt
Well, I LOVED this one. But since it sounded soooo mafia, I opted against calling attention to myself! Still, I might use it in the future.

AND finally, the one I picked:
Wolf Buckingham
I used this one for my blog!
It sounds so Blake Carrington—so Falcon Crest—and if I can’t escalate myself via a fake name, then why take one at all? Oh, that’s right, so I don’t get caught!