Word Order in the Dictionary

I’ve been thinking a lot about the dictionary recently. As a writer it’s ONLY natural (though I’ve been a bit OBSESSED). It makes NO sense whatsoever. Okay, so it makes some sense. Like the fact that sex proceeds slut. Plus, noun comes before verb. I’m sure there are many more words that are in the correct location in the dictionary.

However, I don’t agree with the order of MANY of the entries. Like, how can divorce come before marriage? Why would anyone put love before lust? Is it possible for herpes to precede sex (well I guess you can get non-sexual herpes, so maybe this one COULD work)? But you canNOT have canker sores before herpes. And ask any musician and they will tell you that music never comes before practice (unless you’re some kind of savant! or demon!). And most of us would agree that death shouldn’t come before life (unless, of course, you believe in reincarnation, which appropriately comes after both death and life).

But how can you get drunk before drinking? Overweight people would say it’s impossible for fat to precede food. My favorite is that author comes before writing and we all know that you MUST write to be an author. Logically, these are ALL out of order!

So I spoke to a friend, we’ll call him SMOKEBUDDY, while we were smoking. SMOKEBUDDY agreed that the dictionary didn’t make any sense. However, when I suggested we should rewrite it, putting words in a LOGICAL order, he laughed, saying, “The words are in ALPHABETICAL order.” Good point I thought. Therefore, I won’t rearrange the alphabet—people are too set in their ways to learn a new order. “But what if we rearranged the dictionary?” His response, “Then it would be difficult to find ANYTHING.”

But who cares? This will be a LOGICAL DICTIONARY, a LOGiNARY. Anyone who can’t think logically, screw them. If they don’t know that sex MUST precede herpes, that’s the LOGICAL way, well, then they’re just too STUPID to read my book!

Here is my PROPOSED order, so far:

Sex—because it starts EVERYTHING—being born and dying!
Life—well because this is what happens after sex.
Noun—well you are a noun once you are born into life. You are a person.
Verb—must precede practice—because once you can walk (or practice), you are performing a verb!
Drink—since this is a verb—the word VERB MUST be first. Which came first, the chicken or the verb?
Drunk—since you cannot get drunk without drinking, this is where it MUST logically be.
Marriage—SEX is the point for many marriages, at least to procreate—to produce LIFE. Of course, in a marriage you must have two people (NOUNS) doing a VERB or two (the four letter variety!). Then you must DRINK and get DRUNK to propose—and you have a MARRIAGE.
Practice—life is one big practice field.
Herpes—comes with sexual practice, sometimes.
Canker Sores—you get these from either practicing kissing or sex! But you MUST have HERPES first!
Slut—well, I guess you could be a slut before you get HERPES (okay so maybe this isn’t the MOST logical order).
Musician—we all know that rock stars are all sluts!

OKAY so far. I’ve done 12. Now if I can do this with a Zillion more words I’ll have my OWN LOGiNARY! At 12 a day, hmm, it will take years and years and years (more then I have on this earth!)—so I guess I’ll just give up here. Hey, it’s only logical.