New Cancer Drug

I’ve figured out a treatment for cancer. I’m going to be rich. Rich I tell you!

This drug will make tons of money. Anyone who wants to support my endeavor can invest $100 in my new company, CANCERTREATEMENT GETRICHQUICKFOUNDATION. If the drug is as widely used as I suspect (all in this class of drugs, MIRACLECURES, are widely touted in the media and purchased by the public), everyone who gets in on the ground floor will also get rich. I just need enough money right now to produce and market this new drug.

It won’t cost that much for production. It’s made of compounds we use every day. It’s just a matter of putting it into a balanced tablet form and the marketing the hell out of it. Of course, we will have to pay some doctors to state how effective it is.

I’m sure Dr. WILL ENDORSEANYTHING FORABUCK will ask me how it works. I’m also sure that when I tell him that I don’t want to discuss this part, he will nod his head, okay. Then I will say, “What I can tell you are some of its side effects. Some people with brain cancer get headaches, people with throat cancer will get sore throats, people with lung cancer will have chest or lung pain. It may cause nausea and fatigue. It may cause parts of your body to die. But hey, it’s a drug for cancer, so everyone expects this kind of thing. The side effects are typically connected to the kind of cancer patients have. Directly, really. Which makes sense if you think about it; anything that can treat cancer is bound to be painful!”

When Dr. WILL ENDORSEANYTHING FORABUCK asks me, "What's it made out of?" I will say, "It's a secret.” When he presses me, I will tell him the truth. It’s the best part! It’s also why this drug will make me wealthy. “It’s made out of sugar. No, not a special kind. Just plain, over the counter, at every grocery store, granulated sugar.” He will say, “But people use sugar every day: And it does NOT cure cancer.” At this point, I will explain, “You don’t get paid to ask questions and I never actually said it was a cure for cancer. What, I said was it’s a treatment.” Then I will say, “Most drugs don’t cure anything, they just treat symptoms. And my drug (which I’m planning to name something French like, PLA-CE-BO) is as effective as other drugs on the market today. Like most drugs for the treatment of illnesses, mine has the same side effects as the illness. So no one will actually know if it’s the side effects or the illness their experiencing.” Dr. WILL ENDORSEANYTHING FORABUCK will say okay and sign his endorsement contract.

While he may be thinking, no one will buy this drug, I will assure him, “MANY people will buy my PLA-CE-BO just because it gives them hope. Many people are already buying drugs, from large drug companies such as DRUGLOOPHOLESARETHEIRSIDEEFFECTS, where the side effects mimic the illness. In addition, after my cancer drug PLA-CE-BO takes off, I will convince DRUGLOOPHOLESARETHEIRSIDEEFFECTS to produce/market/brand a new drug I’m hoping to market in the future. The new drug is called FALSEHOPE: It allows people to live forever for a measly $5,000 per year prescription (to live forever, the drug must be used FOREVER). The best part: It’s made out of common table salt.