To get a mortgage just remember this simple law. Everything in the bank/mortgage industry is based on “hopes & dreams.” They hope you’ll need a loan—so they can get you by the gonads (and potentially take them)—to fulfill you’re dream of home ownership.
When you’re trying to get a mortgage, they take your entire payment history (for the credit check) into account. Think back now, did you ever owe someone change from your lemonade stand—say a dime—that you didn’t pay back. The bank/mortgage company/loan shark will find this “outstanding debt”—require you to pay it by compounding the interest and adding fees (for finding the outstanding debt). “What’s this bill for $751.57,” you’ll ask. “The dime you owed when you were five, plus the interest compounded over 20 years, plus the $200 fee for finding it, plus the penalties for not declaring it to the IRS as earned income.” “How much of that is the dime?” “Exactly $1.57. The rest are fees.”
Next step, you must complete a mortgage application with all your personal financial information. They will want to know all of expenses/income, like how much you spend/get paid for prostitutes in a year, month, week, day, hourly. By the time you figure out what you actually owe, who owes you, and pay off/collect all those past debts and sign off attesting that you crossed every tea, dotted every I, and agree that if you didn’t ,the bank may take one gonad a day after the fifth of the month, the interest rate has climbed 2%. “But I applied way back when,” you’ll try to argue with the bank. “Yes, but you didn’t meet our stringent requirements,” the bank will say. “Like what?” You didn’t put your left foot in, pull your left foot out, shake it all about, and do the hokey pokey while you turned yourself around. Plus, you’re too argumentative.” Damn, you think, if only I’d pulled my left foot out and hadn’t done the Macarena. “But I didn’t know what the hokey pokey was,” you’ll say (wondering if it’s some kind of sexual game).” To which the bank/mortgage company will reply, “That just doesn’t cut it. Ignorance is no excuse.” Oh well, they have me by the gonads. It’ll hurt, but not as much as your hands after signing all the paperwork. You’ll wonder if you really afford the loan, plus the specialist to treat the carpal tunnel all this signing has caused. Do you really need the use of your hands—or this home loan? Well, you can live without your hands (as long as you don’t have to sign any more loan documents), but you need a roof over your head.
After the credit report and the mortgage application, you get to hand over (it's like a robbery) hundreds and thousands of dollars (so they will actually look at your paperwork). If you get through this, well then you need psychiatric help—because this doesn’t guarantee a loan. Not until the loan processor (who requires paperwork be delivered back to him via FedEx the next day, but then takes 2 hour lunches during the six-months it takes him to actually read your paperwork). Not to worry—the processor gives you something for all this waiting—something totally worthless—a letter that deems you as “prequalified.” This just means that if you didn’t eat, drink or be merry, and you stopped buying gas for your car and allowed your electricity to be turned off—you might qualify for a loan. Still, when the loan processor finally reviews your paperwork thoroughly, six months later, they will no doubt need more paperwork, more money, and more time. The processor will require stuff you didn’t give him—like a written letter from your now dead landlord about how you didn’t burn his building down fifteen years ago. After you jump through these hurdles, you still won’t be approved for a loan. However, you will get a “preapproval” letter (Yea! Now you get to pay more money, sign you and your family’s lives away and pray that a hurricane/flood, act of “an uncaring” God, doesn’t demolish the bank/mortgage company—because God knows, you could never replace all those documents).
When you’re finally "preapproved" for a loan (which means, that they approve the idea of you getting a loan—but they won’t commit—think men and marriage), you’ve already paid almost two months salary and that’s just for the privilege of maybe, perhaps, “if the stars are aligned properly” getting a letter (still no check) that says you will actually get a loan if and when you actually find a home you choose to buy, plus the home inspection goes well and you don’t get too argumentative with the bank/mortgage company/loan processor/loan shark.
No comments:
Post a Comment