Doctors & Nurses: Nazis & Vampires

I recently had to visit my doctor. Everyone believes that doctors take the Hippocratic Oath, but doctors also take an oath to:

Ask for payment upfront, even though you have 16 different insurance companies covering the visit.
Probe and prod where the sun don’t shine.
Ask you how you are, then run out the door for some ‘code’ (meaning someone tapped the bumper on their BMW) before you have a chance to tell them.
Perform every test known to man (and a few experimental ones) including a GRE test, a spelling test and a needle prick test (this is done to make sure you’re listening to their $200 per ¼ hour opinion).
Not find anything. So they can run more tests (experiments) and bill more hours. This is part of their allegiance to the Nazi party.

Doctors and nurses are paid by the government to gather information. Not the U.S. government. It’s the German government (Hitler is still alive!) who want all these tests (experiments) done. Doctors must also employ nurses trained in needle warfare, meaning they are vampires (they understand sharp stake like instruments and carry vials of blood, do you need any more proof). This means nurses (vampires) could fight off a U.S. battalion without any weapons except their hands and two hypodermics. Just the threat of being stuck with a needle would stop most soldiers in their tracks. Because, as we all know, men are poop-in-their-pants afraid of shots.

I should know: I had to have two blood tests run. You would think they could use the same vial of blood, but the vampires (err, I mean nurses) were hungry: they needed two vials for two separate experiments (err, I mean tests) I expected the nurse would use a small needle to take my blood. “What’s that?” I asked staring at something that looked like a device for artificially inseminating Elephants. “It just a needle,” she said. I could imagine her running her diabolical Nazi experiments on me. We all know these experiments (err, I mean tests) start with drawing blood. Next, she was going to ask me to strip, then place electrodes on my genitalia. “Are you sure that’s the right…” was all I got to say, before she impaled my vein.

After she’d taken two vials, she said, “Now that didn’t hurt one bit, did it?” Sure, if you don’t mind having a Nazi impale you for some maliciously evil experiment. “No, it wasn’t too bad,” I lied. I was afraid if I said it hurt, she would insist upon giving me something for the pain (like a shot or something). You know what they say; no pain, no gain for your doctor--who else can change this much to inflict this much pain? I can just imagine the job requirements for people in the medical field: “Must like pain, scat, piss and every other vile human bodily fluid. No beast lovers (bestiality practitioners) need apply.” Don’t get me wrong, I love my doctors and they have very qualified people working for them. Nevertheless, why does every test require pain?

When my doctor’s 15 minutes were up, I left and waited. For how much it cost to run these “tests” (experiments) you’d think the results would be instant. But they’re not. You must wait until at least the next day. Of course, the next day when I tried to get my results, my doctor was busy (probably out golfing) and the nurse said, “He’ll have to call you back.” Which I figured meant when the next solar eclipse happened. After all, I was not a paying customer anymore; he’d already billed me for my exam and tests and inflicted the Nazi nurses on me. He was on to bigger and better insurance companies and patients who needed more expensive tests (experiments) done. So I was happy to hear from him by the end of the year (it felt like a year, but it was actually the same day). He said that none of the tests proved anything (does testing REALLY prove anything?). And he recommended some more tests (experiments). But he said he couldn’t fit me in until the next month (not because of the richer insurance companies/sicker patients/more experimental experiments) but because he was attending a training seminar (which I knew meant he was meeting secretly with Hitler to go over all of the test results).

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