Housewarming: Appetizer

It was time to have a housewarming party. This was a Greek tradition: House—Place where you reside. Warming—Gifts. Anyhow, I wanted the food at this shindig to be homemade. Meaning made at someone else’s house, because the closest I could get to making something in the kitchen was a “mess.”

Still, my inability to cook has never prevented me from watching people who know how to cook. At restaurants. At parties. At the couch: on the cooking channel. Once, I even got inspired enough to try to make something all by myself. I tried to make a pizza. After the fire department had to use the Jaws of Life to open my mouth, due to me inadvertently shredding the wax paper separating the cheese onto my pizza, well I decided if I wanted to live a long life that I would never cook again.

This does not prevent me from wanting homemade food at my housewarming. And these cooking shows have given me a great idea. Now I know how to have a great party with great appetizers. I’d invite Martha Stewart (but I hear she’s too busy firing people). So, what I’m going to do is invite all my friends to help with food preparation. Not my real friends. No. I’m inviting my TV friends.

First, I’ll invite the Peanut Man to come over and place his shucked nuts on a plate. That didn’t come out right, but you know what I mean. I’m sure people will love his salted nuts.

Second, I’ll invite the Weebler Elves. They wobble but they won’t tumble out of the tree: Just to make sure they don’t, I’ll hide the French Drunk Chef’s stash (Sherri). There’s one thing I’ve always wondered about these elves: With all the money they make from their crackers (and cookies), why do they still have their factory/home in a tree? Is it some kind of tax incentive program because they’re environmentally conscious? No matter, the Weebler Elves will provide us with their wicked buttery Ritzy crackers (oops, they don’t make those, do they). Still, the Weebler Elves do make some kind of crackers

To make these crackers even tastier I’ll convince Prince Charles the Tuna to supply the tuna. Hell, even though a star hasn’t kissed him, he’s still all right in my book. Plus there are many people who are star-kissed, that I wouldn’t want at my housewarming party.

It might be a good idea to have some kind of tuna fish salad as a dip. This means, I’ll need bread also. For this, I’ll invite the Pill DoughBoy (who became dependent on diet pills, while trying to break his addiction to bread. His cousin, the Pill DoughnutBoy, who has a similar addition, told me that). With a few winks, I’m sure the Pill DoughBoy can make something rise. He always does.

Next…I’ve to got create a list of friends to make the main dish. And the desert. Plus, I’ll need a whole new crew of TV friends to do the cleanup.