Well Hung 2 ½

Of course, I only hung a certain amount of pictures the other day. One doesn’t rush into these things. After all, I had been gathering my thoughts (like a Turkey gathers on Thanksgiving) about hanging my artwork for over three months, how could I possibly hang it all in one day? That would be sacrilege: I really wanted to do it right. But how?

My only resource (as I’d used all my books to level my furniture) was the Internet. Perhaps, I’d missed something the last time. Something important (like my sanity for trying to hang artwork in the first place). Maybe I’d misjudged the Internet. Many people found it useful.

So I tried to find info on well-hung pictures on the Internet once again. My first search brought up some pictures of well-hung people, but none of them seemed to be mounted on a wall (on a bed perhaps, but not a wall). I tired other search terms. I wanted to know how to “group” my artwork. However, I decided against searching for “well-hung groups” for obvious reasons (meaning, I couldn’t remember my password to view the images). However, the Internet didn’t help much. Take for instance one designer’s suggestion that I group similar frames (wood, metal or indestructible dollar store plastic) together and use similar matting. What was I supposed to do? Rip the backs off my artwork, take construction paper and cut similar colored mats (because custom mats cost more than Picasso sketches)?

Maybe the Internet had answers to other questions I had. What I really wanted to know was how I get bloodstains off wood frames after hammering my fingers. The Internet didn't have an answer. Thankfully, that wasn’t the most imperative question, though it’s a burning one (in my hammer-smashed fingers). What I really needed to know—but got no answer for—was when I hung artwork should I level the pictures inside the frames (even if they are different sized pictures and frames) or level the frames (at the top, bottom, middle or where the blood stains are) and what’s a good grouping (diagonal, horizontal, straight across, up and down, all around, or should I do the hokey pokey and turn myself around). Also, if I can’t get an answer to these questions, how much does it cost to have someone do all this work for me (probably a gazillion dollars, because the hanger will make the hangee crazy changing locations, plus we all know how hard it is to find a trained, certified, insured poodle, I mean picture hanger, on a weekend—almost as hard as it is to find a doctor off the golf course).

While I never got these burning and not so burning questions answered, I did visit some interesting decorating sites, including: “Death of a Domain,” “Hung Without Busting a Lung” and “Well Hung: How Deep to Place Your Nail.”

These were all very informative sites, but all I wanted was well-hung art. All I needed was well-hung art. I tried to use the Internet advice to the best of my ability (meaning I childproofed my computer against these sites and threw out the passwords). In the end, I just guessed (since the last coin got lost in the flip). One wall had picture frames leveled at the top. One wall had pictures leveled at the bottom. One wall had a grouping of four pieces of artwork that formed a box. One wall had my bloody fingerprints framed like a Rorschach inkblot test (it looked like “modern” art—what does that reveal about me?).

Still, it all turned out well. While I didn’t learn much about hanging artwork (except how not to handle a hammer), I did learn that “well-hung” is not a good search term on the Internet (unless you’re into that kind of thing).