Dear Mr. Man-ners:
My husband of 10 year surfs porn all day and night. That's all he does, he doesn't even work. When he is finally finished, he gets into bed with me. He wants to fool around, but I have no desire to even touch him! YUCK!!! Now he's mad! Who is right?
Revirginized in the Virgin Islands
Dear Revirginized in the Virgin Islands:
What the hell are you talking about? You don’t get revirginized after 10 years (only MARY was able to pull off that miracle/myth/lie!). If you’re telling me you haven’t had sex with your husband for ten years and he puts up with that--you’re a frigging liar. If you’re telling me you stayed married to him for ten years and he doesn’t work to support the household--you’re a frigging liar. If you’re telling me he sleeps with these Internet bimbos while you’re out making money to pay the bills--well, whose the dumb one here? I’d say his plan is pretty smart. Remember the mouse plays while the pussy’s away--your hubby probably plays with the porn when you’re home so he doesn’t have to play with you at night. He‘s probably so tired from all he‘s ALREADY getting that he doesn’t want to touch you, since your pasture has gone to seed by now. What, are you dumber than a doornail--even dumber than you sound--is that even possible? Get a clue, he’s been playing you for years. Just remember: porn doesn’t break up marriages, porn stars do!
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
There’s this one guy at work with these HUGE dreadlocks. I’m not kidding, they're humongous. I often wonder if he’s got blue birds or bees living in them. Sometimes, I must confess, I want to yank them like I’m milking a cow. I’m a guy. Is this a fetish?
Not a Farm Boy
Dear Not a Farm Boy:
You're not a farm boy, more like the manure! Is it a fetish--depends. Do these dreads look like the Empire State Building or the two US Capitol buildings? Meaning, do you like boys or girls? No matter! It’s just a boyhood thing where we liked to yank on girl's piggy tales (stallions ONLY have one tale! If you know what I mean.). Get over yourself and stop staring. Or pull his dreads and see if he’s into it. I don’t care. Just leave me alone, you fucking weirdo.
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
My wife’s mother had both breasts removed due to cancer. Now I don’t think this is funny. So PLEASE don’t make fun. But for some reason she always signs her cards from “The mother who lost her udders.” I’ve thought of addressing my cards to her to “The the other mother without udders.” Is this in bad taste? My wife thinks so.
Son-in-Law
Dear Son-in-Law:
You’re a son of something alright! Keep in mind that people who are ill, or black, or gay, or women (REMEMBER this part) can make jokes about themselves--but don’t like it when other people do). My suggestion is that you stop being udderly stupid. How long have you been married? What are you, an idiot? Learn from your mistakes as a husband, only women can joke about themselves. When men start doing it, it’s called sexual abuse. Not fair, but true!
Mr. Man-ners
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