Mr. Man-ners (23): Writers, Crap, Readers, College Students, Ass is Perspiring, Hyphens & Hymens, Pay, Mortgage

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m a writer and I like your stuff. How do I get a column like yours?
A Writer

Dear A Writer:
I don’t mean to be mean, but "f" off. This is my territory. It took me years of writing to get a column—and it will take you years too. Don’t think that after graduating college you will just land a primo gig, I didn’t. I worked in many fields before anyone would allow me to write for them (and that was for free)—so put in your time—say a lot of prayers—and back off!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Manure:
Your advice is a bunch of crap. It’s sh*t. How do you get away with it?
Scr*w You

Dear Scr*w You:
No screw you. You must know that I am the only one who can swear in this column! You idiot. First off, if you don’t like what you read, don’t read it. If you need help with that I can come over and pull out your eyes! Second off, I get away with it, because, well I’m me. You could never do anything people would read, because, well you’re you. So stop reading. Stop writing. And stick that arithmetic book up your butt!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m an aspiring writer. I’m a college student taking classes. Do you have any suggestions about getting into the business?
Aspiring Writer

Dear Aspiring Writer:
You’re either a writer or your ass is perspiring. My suggestion is to tell that damned teacher at the junior college that I don’t give free advice to students. If she wants me to talk about the writing business, she’s going to have to pay my exorbitant consulting fees. Tell her that for me. And tell her to stop having her students write into me. I’m tired of their lame questions. On top of that, don’t you know, teachers teach and writers write. Obviously, she’s not much of a writer is she has to teach!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Why do you have a hymen in your name?
Want to Know

Dear Want to Know:
Why? Because I can! And why do you not know the difference between a hymen and a hyphen? How stupid are you? How can you question how I spell my name when you don’t know how to spell a simple word? What are you the BadSpellCheck Police? Get a life—get a dictionary—and get the hell out of here!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Do you get paid a lot of money for writing your column? I just want to know what bad taste sells for these days.
Yuck

Dear Yuck:
Do I get paid a lot? Every letter I read I get paid. Every time I use the word "every" I get paid. Every time I use the words "You’re an asshole creep" I get paid. Every time I tell someone "It’s none of your business" I get paid. Thanks for paying my mortgage!
Mr. Man-ners