Mr. Man-ners (31): Gay, Decorating, Faking It, Work, Going Postal, Steelers, Gladiator

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m an oddity. I’m a gay man who has the decorating gene—but I don’t have the cleaning gene. I can whip up a room in under five minutes—but I can’t bake a cake with a Betty Crocker cake mix. I’m not a fem, but I’m not a butch. I’m….confused. I’m the most ungay guy I know. How can I be more gay…or more straight? I feel trapped in a world where I can’t identify with either segment.
Please No Negativity

Dear Please No Negativity:
Oh come on—you know I can’t help myself! It’s who I am—just like being an ungay gay man is who you are! To answer your question requires negativity—but not perhaps the kind you’re thinking of. I’d say you’re fucking human! Where do you get off deciding what is gay…and what is straight? For that matter, who ever said gay guys had ALL the decorating genes or chef genes? Look at Chef on SouthPark—he’s the most ungay, straight black-balled cook I’ve ever seen. Sounds like you’re suffering from homophobia—internalized. I’d suggest you get a shot to clear it up—but I doubt it would work. Get over yourself girlfriend—you’re normal. I’m normal. We’re ALL normal!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Life is not what you make it—it’s how you fake it. Ask any woman.
Depressed

Dear Depressed:
If that’s how you look at life—you’re need some meds! And if every woman you’ve been with fakes it—you need a penis enlargement. Get off your low horse, life isn’t that bad—it could be worse—you could be the living dead (think Michael Jackson!).
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Work is driving me crazy. They don’t pay me enough. They don’t treat me right. They don’t give me enough time off. They expect from me. What should I do?
Too Busy Employee

Dear Too Busy Employee:
You have several options. Quit. Get fired. Or go postal! The greatest part about going postal is you can claim “impaired mental ability” when they bring you to court for all your heinous acts. PLUS you will surely get room and board for a good portion of your life. But if you’re NORMAL (not! You’re a whiner with a capital “weenie)….you need to just find a new job and get off your high horse—life isn’t a bed of roses, it’s full of thorns! Go take that thorn out of your ass—and move on. I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
So…how about those Steelers? What a game. What a Super Bowl!
A Fan

Dear A Fan:
Don’t know…didn’t watch it. If I’m not betting on the game…I have no interest. It’s kind of like an old gladiator game…one team pummels another. What’s the interest? What’s the fascination? What’s the deal with that? Are all men primal beasts at heart? Do they enjoy watching other men get beaten up and broken? I guess it's fun to watch when someone else gets sacked!
Mr. Man-ners