Mr. Man-ners (40): Pregnancy & Cows, Country Songs, Fat Feet & Big Wieners, Penis Appreication Day and Marketing Ploys

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m pregnant. A woman at work made some comment about me having gained weight. Something along the lines of being a cow and eating my cud. But she knew I was pregnant. I felt it was insulting but didn’t say anything. How can people be so rude when I’m pregnant?
Mother To Be

Dear Mother To Be:
If the udder fits, wear it! Sorry, but where else would I EVER use that line? People are insensitive because they’ve either gone through it, or haven’t. But isn’t that true of everything in life? If I were you I’d just play along. Say something like “I may be a cow with cud, but at least I’m not so ugly that the doctor slapped me when I gave birth!” If that doesn’t work—tell her she’s being “Udderly ridiculous, since you’re pregnant.” Sometimes laughter is TRULY the best medicine. You can’t win if you don’t play!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
My life is tragic. I lost my love. I lost my parents. I lost my license. I lost everything. Now what?
Life Sucks

Dear Life Sucks:
Now, you write a top-selling country song and you get even!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m a man with big feet. Okay, I’ll admit it; I’m a bit plump, corpulent, even overweight. But I hate it when people point it out. When I go to the shoe store they make mention of me having “Fat Feet” or suggest that I have “Huge Hoofers” or even say stuff like I need “Parachute Socks”. What can I say in response to get these stupid $2/hour plus commission shoe salesmen to shut the hell up?
Big All Over

Dear Big All Over:
If you can’t beat them with a pair of stillettos, then join them. That’s what I say. Tell them that’s why people call you Big (insert name) and see how these guys react. The likelihood is they will be VERY jealous, because you’re bigger and better than them--where it counts! Speaking of Wieners, the next question fits right in! (Tell the sales people you have a bigger Wiener to appreciate!) Still, it’s not healthy to be that size—lose some weight and as these salespeople start making comments—tell them that all that weight is going straight to your Weiner! Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I was listening to the radio in Chicago on Friday and I heard it was Penis Appreciation day. Did you hear this? Is it true?
A Man

Dear A Man:
Why do YOU want to know? Do you want to appreciate MY penis? Or do you want someone to APPRECIATE yours? Are you expecting lots of penis shaped greeting cards? I wouldn’t hold your breath (or ANYTHING else, for that matter)! Unless you’re Long Dong Silver, IT’S not likely to be inundated with cards and letters and phone calls (“Hello, may I speak to your penis please? Sorry, he’s got a hearing defect!”). It sounds like some wacky radio station’s idea of a way to get ratings—and it probably worked!
Mr. Man-ners