Mr. Man-ners (44): Dwarf Love & Pedophiles, President Bush & Buswhackers, Curious George & Fame, Expensive Cars & Spending Money

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m in love with a dwarf, but I’m a 6 feet tall man. I don’t know if it’s ALL about the sex. It’s great though, she never has to bend over and well that’s a treat. What do you think?Dwarf Lover

Dear Dwarf Lover:
What are you some kind of pedophile? Is this some kind of weird fetish? What could you too have in common other than sex? Is that enough? I guess I can see the benefits. But what happens when you go into a bar? Does she get carded? Don’t they think it’s your daughter? Or is that some kind of weird kink too? It’s obvious what your song is: “Hi, ho, hi, ho it’s off to bed we go!”
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Did you hear that President Bush was just implicated as knowing ALL about the problems in New Orleans (the PROBABILITY of the levies bursting, etc.) LONG before he claimed to have been informed? Now, doesn’t that just make you want to kick his sorry a**!
Bush Hater

Dear Bush Hater:
No swearing in my column—you Bushwhacker! (NOT a bad thing in MY book!) If you hate bush, do you like penis? Or is Bush a penis? OR does he just think with his penis? Yeah, I heard about this sordid affair (though Bill Clinton’s was MUCH more interesting). Still, what a surprise. NOT! When he’s not golfing, or ignoring problems, Bush is blaming OTHER people for his/the countries problems. I bet Bush is a taker in and out of bed as well! Passivity thy name is Bush! Except when it comes to his beloved War on Terror (and THAT war is being fought to defend HIS honor! Not American freedom!).
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Does anyone EVER write you back and tell you they helped them? Is that even possible with the advice you give?
Curious Jane

Dear Curious Jane:
Are you Curious George’s girlfriend? Is THAT your claim to 15 minutes of fame? Yes, people write me all the time. HOWEVER, it’s not to tell me HOW much I’ve helped them—you monkey fart! It’s to tell me how much I’ve enlightened them—not surprising, being as godlike as I am! Now be gone with you.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’ve got a home in the city, but I’m thinking about buying a summer place. Any suggestions?
Vacation Home Looker

Dear Vacation Home Looker:
Yes, leave me the fuck alone! Where do YOU people get ALL this money? Are you ALL living off of credit debt out your asses? I see people driving EXPENSIVE cars all the time, and eating out all the time and spending money like it was an inexhaustible resource (WATER!) all the time. Where do you get it? How do you get it? Did you sell one of your organs (like your brain, or the other head you think out of?)? My suggestion, give me the money. Short of that, leave me the fuck alone. I’d tell you to get a reputable real estate agent if I cared. But I don’t. So get an unreputable one. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.
Mr. Man-ners