Mr. Man-ners (46): Fame, VOTP, God, Niche, Abuse

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Why do you write about famous people. They get enough coverage. You’re supposed to be the voice of the people!
Annoyed Reader

Dear AR (Annoying Reader!):
Did you have a lobotomy? A brain aneurism? Or were you dropped on your head when you were a baby? I’ve been writing about famous people since the get go. They used to be normal. Jus like me! I didn’t say since you—since you’re like soda without the fizz—there’s no snap, crackle or pop in your synapses! I am the VOTP—but people are curious about things they know nothing about (like plastic surgery addicts, wealth, fame, death and dying, and how my mind is so brilliant!). So sometimes I give them what they want—insight! Get a clue, you fool!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Who died and made you God?
Want to Know

Dear Want to Know:
God is dead! That’s what Niche says—and since he’s dead, I believe him. I just catapulted myself to that position—since there was on one else filling it. WTF—if I don’t think I’m God-like who on Earth will?
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m a sex addict. I say too many men—too little time. I embrace my female sexuality to the fullest—I don’t need help—I need men!
Sexaholic Suzie

Dear Sexaholic Suzie:
You’re not going to get it here! Okay, so I talk a big story—but I play it safe—and that means no Typhoid Marys (or sexaholic Suzies)! Get some help—and that that beach ball (or is it bleached ball?) you call a head with something than stale air! And I’m not talking about semen either!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Why do people die? I mean, I just don’t know and I want to know, you know.
A 13-Year Old Boy

Dear A 13-Year Old Boy?
Like “Oh my God.” Ask Niche! I’m not going to tell you to stop reading my column—because, to be honest—every reader makes me money in one form or another. Plus, while you’re not old enough to make your own decisions—you’re going to do it anyhow! But if you’re old enough to read my column—you’re old enough to take it like a man. Now bend over for your, err, ummm, spanking….just kidding. Forgot you were too old for spankings, you acted like such a child writing in with your dufus (as opposed to dufis!) question! Stop being a fuckwit and grow up!
Mr. Man-ners

Confidential to Had Enough:
Obviously, if you’d had enough you’d be gone by now, now writing an advice columnist seeking advice. When you’ve had enough you’ll be broke (from the bone doctors and the psychiatrists) or in prison (from committing murder, and it sounds like your SOB husband deserver it for what he’s put you and your kids through) or dead (because you either killed yourself for letting him do all this stuff, or he killed you for trying to turn him in). So when you’ve truly had enough—get yourself a safe place to hide—because from what you’ve told me—you’ll need it. Women SHOULD not be hit, even when they deserve it!
Mr. Man-ners