Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Why do you yell in your column? When you use all caps it’s like yelling. It give me a headache. Could you please stop doing it?Concerned Reader
Dear Concerned Reader:
NO. I CANNOT. IT’S A TRICK OF THE TRADE. YELLING IS A VERBAL RESPONSE—NOT A WRITTEN ONE YOU DUCKFUCK. AND HOW CAN YOU GET A HEADACHE FROM READING YELLING? WHAT ARE YOU NEUROTIC OR SOMETHING? I WILL NOT STOP DOING IT FOR ANYONE! ESPECIALLY YOU! IF I’M YELLING WITH THE CAPS—AM I SCREAMING & YELLING WITH THE EXCLATIONS POINTS? I HOPE SO! GET A CLUE—I USE CAPS TO MAKE A POINT—ONE I’D LIKE TO POKE YOU IN THE EYE WITH!
MR. MAN-NERS
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I heard something weird on the radio about a television program. Something about the mother taking the daughter out to buy a vibrator. And when the guy didn’t want to date the daughter the mother offered to take the daughter out to buy a bigger vibrator. What is this world coming to?
Times Have Changed
Dear Times Have Changed:
YES…yes they have. Black people used to be strung up and killed! So things have gotten better! At least the mother is talking to her daughter about sex (even if the daughter is 42!). At least the mother can tell her daughter from past experience that vibrators need LOTS of batteries and LOTS of lube to stick up her ass! At least it’s a SAFE toy (as opposed to REAL dicks). At least the mother hasn’t sold her child into prostitution or slavery. You know what I think—I think you’re JUST jealous. You jealous because JUST like in that story about the diamond ring you know and I know and we ALL know that this mother is BUYING her daughter’s affections. Eventually the mother will have to buy her daughter the LARGEST vibrator in the world (the likelihood is it will either be a monument like the Washington Memorial or a building like the Sears Tower). Leave the girl alone. If she’s happy with her sicko-perverted-mother and her LARGE-ASS vibrator—she’s happy!
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
There’s this woman at work. She just pisses me off. She questions everything. She double guesses every decision I make. She’s always right in my face. What should I do?
An Employee
Dear An Employee:
Well, if she’s in your face, avert your eyes! Then you won’t see her—and if she’s NOT there—she won’t annoy you. Stop answering her emails. Don’t take her phone calls. Always have someplace else you need to be when she stops over to talk to you. HOPEFULLY, she will get the clue. And if she doesn’t, I say take out an Uzi and blow her away. Some (tall OR short) “people have no reason to live!”
Mr. Man-ners
CONFIDENTIAL to Help I’ve Lost My Underwear:
Okay, okay no big deal. So you lost them. The big question is who found them? And what did they do to them? Did they sniff them? Wash & Wear them? Or use them as evidence in heinous sex crime. I say forget all about it. There’s NOTHING you can do at this point. Just deal with the consequences—and if it make’s you feel any better—LOTS of people lose their underwear in the hospital.
Mr. Man-ners
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