Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’ve got this shoe fetish. It’s weird, I walk down my hallway at the condo building I live in and I see these work boots and I just get all tingly inside my pants. I want to sniff those boots and I want to lick them inside and roll around in bed with them. I’m a gay man and I never knew about this before these boots. It helps that the guy who wears them is hot—so that feeds into my fantasy. What should I do?
Shoe Fetish
Dear Shoe Fetish:
What a weirdo! I’ve heard of foot fetishists before, but shoes. They’re stinky and dank and putrid. What do you think would happen if you raped this guy's shoes? Do you think he’s love you forever? If you do: The clowns are at the circus, but the circus isn’t in town! Get a clue—shoes are PU. Worship his feet if he’s into it—but leave the boots for walking.
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I was just listening to the Drex in the Morning radio program and realized it was a rerun. They mentioned something about Thanksgiving. Then on St. Patrick’s I listened off and on and they NEVER mentioned that it was a drinking holiday. What with that?
Radio Listener
Dear Radio Listener:
Radio reruns—now I’ve heard EVERYTHING! I say the St. Patty’s Day program was probably ALSO a rerun. It’s sad when you have to put up with this stuff on the radio—I mean we expect it on TV—but on the radio? What was everyone so strung out or hungover that they couldn’t do the show? Or did they ALL go on vacation at the same time? Or were they ALL canned? Get a clue—radio reruns are PU!
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
My coworkers are starting to annoy me. They say does he or she “Know you’re nuts.” Or while I’m walking by they say “But do they know Bill’s nuts.” It’s very annoying and I’ve told me so repeatedly. Still, they keep doing it thinking it’s funny. What can I do to make them stop?
Bill’s NOT Nuts
Mr. Man-ners:
Okay here’s what I would say when you hear this, or they say it to you: “Personally or professionally?” It will take them a moment to know what you mean—then the embarrassment will spread over their faces. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “FLASH, FLASH, HR ALARM, HR ALARM.” AND you don’t want to get fired. Here’s the BEST part—you won’t! You’ve told them it bothers you repeatedly—so they’re AT FAULT! Try it, I bet you like it—and if you’re lucky you might get someone who wants to know your nuts VERY well!
Mr. Man-ners
Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I LOVE soda pop. But every week when I bring home my four six-packs of 24 oz. soda bottles one of my neighbors, a cute girl about 24 is there. She says, “Having a party.” I always say, “No” embarrassedly.
What’s It All About?
Dear What’s It All About?
Alfie, Alfie, Alfie! It’s about time you learned what a come-on sounds like! She’s hot for your hard soda and wants to pop your top! When she says, “Having a party?” you should say, “Yeah, it’s a party in my pants—want to join?” HOPEFULLY, she will—but if she says no (which includes her throwing ANYTHING other than her naked body at you)—I bet she never asks such a stupid, asinine question again! And if that’s the case, what a dumb blonde, or brunette, or redhead! Otherwise, share some fizz (and some jizz) with her!
Mr. Man-ners
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