Mr. Man-ners (52): Political Signs, Illinois, Cigarette Taxes, Breast Awareness Month, The Sun is Hot, Fate, Petting Your Pussy, Communal Living

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
What’s with all those political signs on the streets in Illinois? I know there was an election, but it’s like there are 12 per corner. What a waste!
Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned Citizen:
Yeah, I say if someone were to gather up ALL those signs and recycle them (the RIGHT thing to do!) they could have a war chest for a NEW political campaign! Then they could argue AGAINST the use of them—put a law in place—and FINE offenders! What a boost in revenue that would get the state (instead of their STUPID cigarette taxes!).
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I’m a writer and we have some freelancers that stink! One write didn’t proof his work and somehow he typed in something about “Breast Awareness Month.” What he meant was “Breast Cancer Awareness Month.” What do you think of that for the dumbing down of America?
An Editor

Dear An Editor:
We know what was on his mind! S-E-X. Must have a breast fetish! And if this was something professional—and it got printed—the company would have taken quite a bit of flack! FIRE the dumbass—he sucks (and not big titties!). I think it’s sad that EVEN professional writers don’t self-correct their own work. SPELLCHECK is NOT the answer to ALL our editorial woes!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
A coworker always says stupid things like “The sun is hot,” “Ice is cold,” and “It’s not hot outside, it’s humid.” What can I say to show how stupid what she’s saying is?
A Coworker

Dear A Coworker:
Duh, say, “What are you, a brainiac?” Perhaps she’ll get the clue. But it’s NOT likely, she’s so stupid. What is it with people stating the obvious—is it a new trend to show how LITTLE they know?
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
A friend of mine said, “I’m so lucky, it must be fate.” It appears she left home a LITTLE late because she was petting her cat and she MISSED a major car accident. Even though she was late for work, she thought GOD had saved her from this accident. Fate, she said. I say, fate, smate. It was LUCK. How can I tell her that it was luck and NOT some divine intervention?
A Friend

Dear A Friend:
I’d say something like, “It’s amazing how petting your pussy can make you late for work!” The moral is that you should “Pet your pussy EVERY day!” And if you can’t do it yourself, you should have someone else do it for you! It’s Pet Your Pussy Day! Time to celebrate and pet as many pussies as you can!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I want to live in a commune. I want other people to cook for me, clean for me, and pay my rent. Where can I do this?
Commune Living Is The Place Me

Dear Commune Living Is The Place Me:
Green acres is the place for you. Cow turd smelling is the thing for you. Land spreadin’ out with cow turds high, keep Chicago, just give me that shitty side. Dah-ling you’re weird, you just need a wife, or slave! You can keep communal living, just give me your naughty slave!” Or JUST for you—visit your local hospital, because obviously you’ve had a lopsided lobotomy!
Mr. Man-ners