Mr. Man-ners (54): Neil J. Lofquist, Lauren Lofquist, Murder, Smoking, Scotland Bans Smoking, Civil Disobedience, George Bush

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
What about that guy who stabbed, strangled and tried to drown his eight-year old daughter in the toilet? Weird, huh?
A Newspaper Watcher

Dear A Newspaper Watcher:
What are you watching it do—back flips as it lands on your porch? You’re a NEWSPAPER READER but more importantly you’re REALLY a DUFISS. Yes, it was weird. The guy’s name is Neil J. Lofquist and he killed his daughter Lauren—then he went to get HIS scratch fixed at the hospital. Okay, so maybe if you’re a psychopath (with a hypochondriac egotistical personality) this makes sense, but NOT to the rest of us! Also, why try to drown her in the toilet—when the BATHTUB was so much bigger? Did he think she was a cat (okay, so she had a pussy, but that’s splitting whiskers!)? I mean it’s just TOO bizarre! It’s a mystery why he did it. And to top it off, Neil was a Sunday school teacher (do you think the voices in his head told him Lauren was evil? Probably—since she WAS the fruit of HIS loom—I mean she was the seed of HIS apple—err, the eye for HIS eye.) It’s times like these when even Mr. Man-ners believes an eye for HIS BALLS is NOT a BAD thing! Stab him, strangle him, and try to drown him, THEN flush him into the sewer where he belongs— like the DROWNED rat that he is!
Mr. Man-ners


Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I know you have issues with all the smoking laws they’ve put into place in Illinois. But look, it’s NOT just here. I hear they JUST put a non-smoking law in Scotland (and that’s a country!). I say good for them!
Non-Smoker

Dear Non-Smoker:
I say give me your arm, I want to tattoo you with a hot cigarette you discriminatory schmuck! I heard that smokers in Scotland are ALSO not going to quit smoking in public places (bars and places the law is supposed to ban them from lighting up). In fact, about 21% say they will STILL light up. I say GOOD for them! It’s bad enough we have a war in Iraq, now we want to have a war in the states over the freedom (or ban) of smoking! It’s a way for non-smokers to take out on smokers their frustration with the political state. The BLAME rests squarely on George Bush’s FLAT head! Okay, I like what they’re doing in Scotland. I say IF all smokers would take this cause to heart, light up in the boardroom, not take shit from smokers, etc. etc., then maybe we wouldn’t be discriminated against! We (the smokers of the world) should form our own society (and company) where smoking isn’t just tolerated, it’s commended! Where NO place is public and it doesn’t matter what you’re doing, YOU CAN SMOKE! Civil disobedience is what we’ll call it. Our slogan: We shall BLOW you away if we can’t blow smoke! And THEN if that doesn’t work, I say burn the hell out of the arresting officers! Join the cause today! Just send $10 to…. Damn, my editor took the address out!
Mr. Man-ners