Personal Personals

Okay. So sometimes I see things I just can’t believe. A friend sent me this funny personal sometime back. It states the man’s preferences all in candy and snack terms. My friend guaranteed me this ad was for real.

It read, in part: I have dark brown hair with a wee tad grey, dark brown eyes, light skin, mustache, hairy chest, and a "100 Grand" smile! I'm passionate, caring, and "Whoppers" of fun! It went on like this in the candy theme: Who knows, maybe starting with a simple "Hershey Kiss", we could make it a great "PayDay"!

WOW! Was this guy into candy or what? I counted and he used about 340 words…with about 10% or more being candy/junk food terms. He claimed “By the way, you don't HAVE to be into CANDY!” yet….”(P.S. "Milk Duds" and "Cheetos" need not answer this ad, ha ha).” Wacked out…or onto something?

Maybe it’s the wave of the future. To make someone read a personal ad you need to catch their attention…obviously this caught someone’s attention…otherwise I would have never seen it. So maybe this guy was onto something. I can see these ads catching on. They will have catch phrases in them…terms…words…that can be speed-read. People usually skim these ads anyhow….many NEVER even read beyond “Hello, my name is.” because they ALL say the same thing…romance yes, outside sex no, oceans yes, wackos no. The regular personal ads are just way too boring. So this is what these ads will mutate to…..I can imagine it now…my NEW career will be in writing these personals….

Healthy LifeCycler Seeks Same:
“Vegan” “yoga” nut…seeks counterpart who feels that “mad cow” is the plague of ALL “flesh-eaters.”

Horny Busy In-Shape Seeks Pussy:
“Gym rat” seeks a pussy “cat” to play with….come run with me on my “treadmill”…we can win this “rat race” together.

Lawyer Seeks Paralegal (or trained professional, e.g. dominatrixes step to the front of the line):
“Lawyer” needs a woman who can make “non-fallacious arguments”…who “never resorts to name calling”, but can prove her points “beyond a reasonable doubt.”

Alcoholic Man Seeks Understanding:
If you like “pina coladas” and “throwing up in the rain” we might have met at “O’Malleys”…but that was probably during one of my“DT” “blackout "Escapes". Since then, I’ve “Let go and let God” take over my life. If you have also, maybe we can meet at an “AA” meeting. “My name is Jim and I’m an alcolholic (recovering)"…

Poor Young Female Writer Seeks Help:
Female “writer” desperately seeks her “muse.” Someone who can "inspire" me. Someone who understands that "Artist's Life" and how hard it is to be a “writer.” Someone who can be a “benefactor,” a companion, a lover. Someone who can support me emoionally and financially. Someone who can also help me “edit” my soon-to-be finished “Best Seller.”

Old seeks Young:
“Candy Man” seeks girls who like to lick “lollipops.” I will be your personal “Slowpoke”. And I have Jawbreakers” too. If you lick and lick and lick…your “Blow” will "Pop" me. I will “melt in your mouth"--I will "not" melt "in your hands.”