Medical Lie-ability

My father used to say, “What if your doctor failed the disease you have?” I always thought he was joking—being funny—but I also wondered if this statement might be true.

Then a friend was admitted into the hospital complaining of stroke-like symptoms and was told it was “a virus.” No tests were run—no blood taken. He was admitted one moment, released several hours later (being told “some virus’s make you slur your speech, walk into walls, and spin yourself around—“that’s what life’s all about—do the hokey pokey!”). Two days later, when he told his doctor about his overnight stay in the hospital for these symptoms and his diagnosis and release the next morning (before noon—no late checkouts please!), the doctor decided to run some tests. His doctor concluded that my friend had indeed had a stroke.

My friend was rightly upset. “I paid $2,000 for the turndown service, I got lousy food, berated and told I was crazy when I told them it might be a stroke and they didn’t even leave a mint on my pillow. Plus, they diagnosed me completely wrong. How could that happen? Can I get a refund?” he asked his doctor.

Doctor HASANEXUSE TOAVOIDMALPRACTICE said, “No refunds allowed. They were just practicing discharges that night.” Not really, but he did have a LAME excuse for the misdiagnosis (“Here we go ‘round the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush. This is the way we practice medicine, practice medicine, practice medicine. So early in the morning”). Perhaps that’s why they call it practicing medicine. Because they practice and they practice, but they don’t seem to get it right! At least, they seem to get it wrong almost as often as right (damn, they should be weathermen!).

Another friend had similar symptoms to mine: his hands and feet had tingling and were asleep when he awoke in the morning. His doctor also prescribed high blood pressure meds. This didn’t seem to help him—so now he’s having his blood sugar monitored (a 4-hour test). Perhaps my friend and I both went to our respective doctors the week they were “practicing” prescribing high blood pressure meds. On the other hand, maybe my friend’s doctor is NOW “practicing” blood sugar tests!

It all makes sense to me now! I mean, I’ve watched Emergency. I’ve watched St. Elsewhere. I’ve watched ER. I’ve watched Night Nurse Gets Shafted by Doctor (oops, I guess porn movies have nothing to do with this—except the stars practice and practice too—eventually becoming perfect). But from everything I’ve seen on these television shows (excluding the porn!) when doctors are interning they want to practice procedures. They beg to try new tests on patients—so they can get the experience—so they can pass their boards—so they can’t get licensed. Perhaps, some real-life licensed doctors practice caring—practice prescribing drugs as cure-alls—practice knowing what they’re doing. I’m sure it’s NOT true of all of them.

Still, I’m ALSO sure it’s true of SOME of them. With all this practice, you’d think they’d all be perfect by now—because I’m tired of medicine practicing on my friends and me! Someday they’ll STOP practicing: Someday they’ll BE perfect! Won’t they?