Religious Zeal of Approval

While I was a job hopper, Dad sought bliss through religious enlightenment. He tried every religion known to man in his pursuit of the “right” one. Right, not meaning right for everyone, just right for Dad.

Dad tried Christianity (“I’ll show you original sin—look at your older brother!”). Dad tried Judaism (“It just didn’t work out—Friday night Sabbath interfered with my bowling league.”). Dad tried Buddhism (“I loved the idea of reincarnation cycles, like a period for men, but I couldn’t wait another ten lifetimes for nirvana.”) Dad tried Wicca (“If the women looked like Samantha Stevens [of Bewitched Fame] and pranced around naked, I wouldn’t have quit. Instead, they all chanted hocus pocus about how men were “messing” with Mother Nature.” Parkay!). Dad tried Gnosticism (“It’s just ggg-not for me!”). Dad tried Islamic (“Praying five times a day didn’t bother me until the time I had to do it in the men’s room and some guy thought I was propositioning him!”).

Finally, Dad settled on Hinduism. Perhaps it was because Hinduism formed (and is forming) from the manifestation of MANY religious groups and beliefs. Dad was indecisive—confused—almost as much as this religion seemed to be. You’d think he would have reconsidered this choice what with one of its main practices being meditation (like Buddhists. Copy cat!). You’ve got to understand, Dad was a big man. He weighed 250 lbs. on a 5’10” frame. So the fact that he had to fold his legs into the Lotus position should have been a deterrent. The fact that he had to do this for HOURS should have really deterred Dad. But it didn’t. After meditating, he’s just call for one of us kids to “get the crowbar” and pry his legs apart.

Hinduism, at least at the church Dad picked, believed that Jesus was NOT our savior. Not the son of God. Not the man who died for our sins. The church we attended believed only that Jesus was a “devotee” of God. This church also believed that Buddha and Krishna and Holy Mother were devotees of God, on the same level as Christ.

However, they were ALL of a higher status (in God’s eyes) than mere mortals. They attained this higher status by reaching a heightened state of consciousness during their meditations—making them capable of viewing and understanding the significance of their past lives. Though how Christ could have done this if he didn’t meditate and ONLY lived one life (if we are to believe the bible he has NOT risen again)—I don’t know—perhaps I missed that part during Sunday HINDUSCHOOL. Nonetheless, this allowed these SPECIAL devotees a closer relationship with God. Hey, but who would have been closer to God than Jesus, who came from his loins? Oops, that was an immaculate collection…oops…that was Madonna…err…conception. An immaculate conception…no loins…no seed…no egg…so obviously it was the chicken that came first!

But Dad was NO chicken—he was seriously devoted to his religious choice. He went every week. He donated lots of money. He lived Hinduism. Dad gave it his damndest! Oops—blasphemy—I’m going to…I’m not sure. Where do people go to in Hinduism? A past life? A future life? Or are they the ones who go to H E double toothpick—or is it just hell? Or some place else? India? No. Perhaps, New Orleans?

As I said, I’m not sure I understand any religion. But give me a good job that pays over a hundred grand a year and I’ll know enlightenment, I’ll know nirvana, I’ll know true bliss!