Mr. Man-ners (20): Love, God, Halle Berry, Holly Berry, Humans, Xmas Stockings, Sluts, Whores, Prostitutes, Marraige, Molestation

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Who wrote the book of love?
A Singer

Dear A Singer:
I don’t know. Was it God? Isn’t the Bible a book of love? Or was it some famous musician? The real question is: who wrote me such a lame ass question? You did!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Am I stupid or what? I never realized that Halle Berry’s name was supposed to be a reference to Holly Berry. Must be fun around Christmas.
Never Knew

Dear Never Knew:
I agree, you’re stupid. Yes, I’d say it’s fun around Christmas. I’d love that beautiful woman as a gift! Thank God, her parents didn’t name her Bittersweet Cherry. Cause she ain't.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
Who are you and what planet do you come from?
A Human

Dear A Human:
I come from the planet of StickThisNewspaperUpYourButt. I’m tired of people thinking I’m not human—I am the most human human. I am the most human, God like, person you’ll ever meet. Though I doubt YOU will ever meet me, because I hate dumb people. And if you can’t tell I’m human—you‘re one of the dumbest!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
My parents always give me an Xmas stocking. In the stocking is like seven pounds of chocolate and an apple and an orange. I can never eat all that candy so I end up throwing it out. And the fruit just rots. How do I tell them I don’t want all this stuff, without hurting their feelings?
A Good Son

Dear A Good Son:
You’re not a good son! Step up to the plate--be honest! You could feed half the children in the third world countries with that much chocolate! Suggest they make a donation instead.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I want a woman who takes control. I want her to order me around, make me brush here hair, clean the toilet. Am I strange?
Doesn’t Know

Dear Doesn’t Know:
I know--are you strange? YES! Believe it or not, you’re not alone. You should join the army! Or do what all the other strange, too old and ugly men do, hire a dominatrix! Just remember don’t ask, get told! Get over it wimp, you’re NOT that special!
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
How many sexual partners makes you a slut? Is there a difference between a slut, a whore and a prostitute?
Wanna Know

Dear Wanna Know:
Learn how to spell--it's "Want to"--"wanna" is so trailer trash! If you don’t know how many licks it takes to get to the middle, you’re not any of the above? But if you can’t count that high, you’re probably all the above. Actually, a prostitute takes money for his/her services--so EVERY married man/woman who takes gifts from their spouses are prostitutes. Hell, all humankind are prostitutes of one kind or another.
Mr. Man-ners

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I was molested as a child. Now I’m desperately afraid of molesting children. What do you suggest?
Scared

Dear Scared:
I do NOT answer difficult questions. On top of that, how many times do I have to tell my intern assistant that I can NOT give mean advice to really sick people. If I paid that damned intern assistant anything I’d fire her, but I don’t, so I can’t. If you’re a prank writer, get screwed. Otherwise, my advice is to ask Dear Abby, she’s probably got sage advice for your kind of sickness.
Mr. Man-ners