John Q Public Non-Smoker Illinois: Cook County Cigarette Tax, Elk Grove Village Smokers, Deerfield Smokers

John Q. Public Non-Smoker Illinois here. I’ve decided that smokers are the bane of the Earth. So, to that end I’ve enacted strict smoking laws in Illinois.
In Cook County (where Chicago is located), I’ve made it so you cannot smoke anywhere near a public entrance (albeit the place where MOST ashtrays are located). Instead, you must walk 15 feet from the door—even if you have emphysema and this will cause you a pulmonary embolism—even if that means you must stand in traffic on the median strip, or lurk in alleys with your brethren the common alley rats. Also, so that smokers health is NOT at risk (because alleys are prone to being cancer-causing agents, WHILE rats are just a miracle cure for anything that ails you), the price of cigarettes shall go up so that Chicago now has the most expensive taxes in the nation ($4.49 per pack).
This increased revenue shall be used to find MORE EXPENSIVE ways to get this DiscriminatoryButImperativeTax from this minority group. God forbid they actually go out of the county to buy their cancer sticks! In addition, ½ cent from every sale shall go to administering an advisory committee that will consider using the added revenue (but ultimately decide smoker’s aren’t worth it) for smoking cessation and health benefits (such important topics will be raised as, “How do we stop rats from having to breath nasty second-hand smoke” and “How can we clean the air in the alleys”).
To this end, as John Q. Public Non-Smoker Illinois, I will implement even more STRINGENT laws in suburban Illinois. For instance, in Deerfield, you must be 25 feet from entrances while smoking your cancer sticks. This means across the street (even if that means across the state line since many buildings are located within 25 feet of each other’s front doors). There shall be no smoking in public spaces (this includes restaurants that were formerly cigar bars—NOW THEY SHALL BE USED EXCLUSIVELY FOR THE CHICAGO RATS ENJOYMENT—where you may now chew on cigars but NOT light them, but you may NOT chew on tobacco). Public spaces are defined as: Any place where humans breathe air. Including, but NOT limited to the sky. In essence, smoking SHALL be banned to anyplace EXCEPT outer space. And then ONLY when no one else is in orbit.
Another important suburban smoking restriction shall be in Elk Grove Village (EGV), a town located in Lake County: A place where it used to be reasonable to buy cigarettes because it’s NOT in Cook County. UNFORTUNATELY they have tried but failed to eliminate cigarette sales altogether. This they did, by killing ALL the truck drivers who delivered cigarettes to these shops—but this did NOT work. To this end, the town council was saddened, but not dissuaded from HURTING smokers. To hurt them, they increased cigarette prices to ALMOST the price of a full tank of gas (NOT REALLY—but who cares!). Packs of cigarettes shall now be $7 (almost a 100% increase from their previous price). This is NOT so the town makes money (they claim “it’s the principal” Yeah right, “It’s the money!”), but so they can use this additional revenue for smokers health (this will entail, but not be limited to road repairs, increased public official salaries and squandering). That will show smokers how much I (and the proverbial WE) really care about them. WE CARE ABOUT THEIR MONEY—BUT NOT THEIR RIGHTS! In EGV there shall be NO smoking in public places (including cars, homes and outer space). Still, the increased revenue from the cigarette tax shall help pay for…yet another increase in cigarette tax (EGV can now afford a lot more bureaucrats to enforce tougher smoking laws). Yet, we wish to make one statement: “Alcoholic drivers will be embraced in our town. Our alcohol prices have NOW gone down. We want you to know that we understand that while smokers make a choice to smoke, YOU have an illness and cannot control yourself. So PLEASE come and drive our roads.”
And finally, if all of these taxes and decreased spaces don’t ACTUALLY stop smokers and make them quit, well then I, John Q. Public Non-Smoker Illinois, will find another way to tax a minority group. Maybe I will change my name to John Q. Public Red-Head Hater Illinois and impose a tax on ALL redheaded people. That should be a small enough minority to levy a HUGE tax burden upon. Of course, if the numbers are too large (say EVERYONE starts being a redhead and the tax ends up being applied to ALL PEOPLE—and is TOO fairly equal across the board) well, then I will just apply it to women or men who have red-hair. That would work. The tax will be hefty and all redheads will be required to dye their hair blond with shimmering pink highlights (or their tax will increase exponentially!). If however, redheads dye their hair brunette to get out from under this DiscriminatoryButImperativeTax (like smokers left the county or the suburbs where buying cigarettes) then (just like with cigarettes) we will increase their taxes. And if this doesn’t work, THEN, to catch them I (We) will INCREASE THE TAX on hair dye! It’s just SO much easier to tax a minority group than the OVERALL population.